Innocence Lost
by Miss Fenway
Summary: "Maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like." - Jodi Picoult in 'Nineteen Minutes'.  NO SLASH!
1. On A Day Like Any Other

**A/N. This is another alternate sequel to 'Little Hollow' because I decided that I am trapped forever in that world. SO everything I have to write now has to have an 'LH' reference. Haha! ANYWAY, time to be serious. I love to write stories about real life problems we face in our daily lives. This story is no exception because unfortunately, it does happen in real life. I'm doing a bunch or research for this so that it's as accurate as possible. I do want to warn you though that this is a touchy subject matter and I'm trying to handle it in a sensitive way. It will be rather dark though because like I said, it's real life. Unfortunately. I don't own anything.**

"Hey, James!" Kendall knocked impatiently at the bathroom door. "Are you almost done in there? We have to get going or we're going to be late." He glanced at his watch anxiously.

The door opened to reveal a grinning James. "I'm ready now." He said, running a hand through his smooth brown hair.

Kendall wrinkled his nose slightly at the overwhelming small of James' "man spray". He loved James like his own brother but sometimes the other boy could be a bit obsessed with his image. "Good." He said, restraining himself from teasing his friend. They were already running late and an argument, even one done only in jest, would do nothing to help them. "Let's go. Logan and Carlos are already outside."

"Gotcha." James took one last stroke with his lucky comb before sliding it into his jeans pocket. "Come on, slowpoke!" He was out of the apartment before Kendall could blink.

Kendall rolled his eyes and shook his head but he grinned all the same. James could drive him crazy sometimes but he wouldn't have him any other way. "Bye, Mom!" He called over his shoulder as he grabbed his backpack. "We're finally leaving!"

"It's about time you finally got out here!" James exclaimed in exaggeration. "We've been waiting forever!" He laughed at Kendall's glare and then held up his backpack. "Hey, look what Logan remembered to bring for me!"

Logan shoved James. "I swear, James. You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders."

"No way." Carlos shook his head as the boys hurried to the corner to wait for their school bus. "The Face is on his head remember?"

At that, Kendall and Logan smirked at James which he returned with another brilliant smile. "That's right, Carlos. I could never forget The Face."

"Anyway," Logan interrupted. "James, I hate to change the subject but don't you have a history test today?" When his friend's smile disappeared he went on. "How do you feel about it? Are you ready?" He shifted his heavy backpack so that it rested more comfortably on his slight frame.

"Um. . ." James stammered for an answer. His face flushed red in embarrassment and he shook his head. "Probably not. We're studying the Cold War and I don't really get any of it."

None of his friends seemed surprised. With the exception of Logan, who was brilliant, the boys all had one subject in school that they each struggled with. James' was history and even though Logan was often swamped in his own work for the honors classes he took, he never failed to lend a helping hand when it was needed.

So James wasn't surprised when Logan adopted a thoughtful look before speaking. "Well, we don't have any classes together and our study halls are during different periods. But we have the same lunch time so do you want to go over some things then?"

"That would be great." James admitted with a sigh that relaxed his tense posture. "Thanks, Logan."

"No problem." Logan mumbled in embarrassment. James caught the trademark move that Logan's hand made to rub the back of his neck where it reddened. The sound of an engine made him straighten up. "Here's the bus." He said, making a face. "I hate riding the bus.

Kendall clapped a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Believe us." He said with a straight face. "We know. You only tell us every single day." He raised his eyebrows. "That being said, I can't really blame you."

The bus pulled to a stop by the curb and the boys climbed in. "I don't get it." Carlos commented as he ducked a paper airplane. "Why can't we just drive? We all have girlfriends. Can't we carpool at least?"

"Public transportation is healthier for the planet." Logan stepped over a leg that was strategically placed to trip him and glared at the person it belonged to. "And the girls take Jo's car that can only fit five people."

"I think I should be allowed to go with them." James cringed. "This vehicle can not be good for my complexion."

"James, what on earth do you think it could possibly do?" Kendall asked. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, a banana came flying towards him, missing his own face by inches. "Never mind." He said, shaking his head. "Still, if anyone of us were to go it would be me. Jo _is_ my girlfriend. Remember?"

"Maybe we could take turns!" James suggested brightly. But the bus suddenly lurched forward and they all stumbled into each other.

"We should sit down." Logan steadied himself and quickly sat down. Before James had any choice in the matter he found himself sitting next to Logan. "Now we have an extra twenty minutes to study." He said when James protested that he wanted to talk to the new kid who played hockey. "Kendall and Carlos can talk to him. Judging by the expression on your face when I first brought the test up, you'll need all the help you can get."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." James grumbled. But he couldn't really argue so he tugged his history textbook out of his backpack and opened it to the section that confused him no matter what he did. He bent his head over the pages and tried to shut out the cheers and jeers from the other passengers.

A burst of laughter broke his concentration and he looked up. A tall, scrawny kid, James couldn't remember his name, lay sprawled on the filthy floor of the bus. As James watched, the boy fumbled around before his hands located his thick glasses and placed them back on his nose. He straightened up and grabbed a pile of books from under the seat in front of him and quickly sat back down, eyes downcast.

"Jerks." Logan muttered with a dark look at a bunch of football played seated in the back. It was obvious that they were behind the cause of the accident. He tried to catch the unfortunate victim's gaze but the kid suddenly seemed fascinated with the strap of his large backpack.

"What happened?" James asked, unable to go back to his book.

Logan sighed. "Sean Williams threw Andrew Morison's books on the floor and then tripped him when he stood up." He scowled as he and James watched Sean trade high-fives with his jock buddies while Andrew slumped down further in his seat, staring moodily at his feet. Very little made Logan angry but bullying was one of them. "It's people like them that give athletes a bad reputation."

"Are you angry because you're a jock too?" James teased. "Maybe hockey players are nicer, Logan."

Logan snorted. "Yeah right. I'm not mad that I'm a jock. I'm not even a jock. I'm mad because bullies are just so insecure that they have to make other people's lives miserable to feel better about themselves. Remember back in Minnesota?"

At that, James frowned. Back in Minnesota, Logan and Carlos had often been the victims of bullying. Especially Carlos with his rich Hispanic heritage. "Yeah." He agreed softly. "They're all idiots."

"You know what really bothers me?" Logan asked. Clearly the subject of James studying was completely forgotten. "No one does anything about it. The teachers and the rest of the 'adults'," Logan gestured with his fingers. "They don't do anything to stop it. Like the bus driver just now." He glared at the driver in the rear view mirror. "He had to have seen what just happened. It's against the rules to be so rowdy in the bus. Something could happen. He should have said something."

"Well," James said slowly. "Why don't we?"

Logan nodded. "You're right. When we get to the school I'll say something to the driver and then when I get the chance I'll report the incident to the principal." He shrugged. "They're probably all numb to the concept of bullying now but maybe it'll help."

When the bus finally did pull to a stop at their LA high school, James bent to stuff his books back where they belonged. He then sat and waited for the rest of the bus to fill out when a sudden movement out the window caught his eye and he suddenly bolted up and shoved his way outside.

Sean Williams and his followers had Logan backed up against the bus. James tripped over his backpack's loose shoulder strap and would have fallen if Carlos hadn't steadied him. Kendall was the first to reach the group.

"Do _not_ touch him" Kendall was in the protective mode that they all knew so well. His voice was low and calm but had an edge of anger to it that was enough to back the bullies away from Logan.

"You'll pay for that, Mitchell." Sean sneered. "No one messes with me and gets away with it."

"What was that all about?" Carlos dropped to his knees and gathered Logan's scattered books.

"Nothing." Logan muttered. He took the books with a grateful smile then absorbed himself in the task of putting them in his backpack.

"Right." Kendall snapped. "Like we believe you."

"Fine." Logan replied in a tight, clipped tone. "They just happened to hear me tell the bus driver what Sean did to Andrew and they didn't exactly appreciate me reporting them. You know they could get suspended from the team if they get too many offenses."

"Logan," James said. "It was great that you stood up for Andrew but you need to be more careful. No use getting both of you hurt. Next time wait until they can't hear you ratting them out. You'll end up as next week's target."

Logan sighed in frustration. "I know." He said quietly. "I'm sorry I snapped at you guys. It's just so stupid how these guys get away with so much." He looked around. "Where is Andrew anyway?"

Carlos pointed out the bullied kid, heading toward the school doors. His backpack seemed extra heavy on his thin shoulders. "What does he have in there, bricks?" Carlos shook his head. "Man, we're all going to wind up with bad backs if they keep loading us with so much stuff."

"So he's fine." Kendall said to Logan. "Now let's go. The late bell is going to ring soon."

* * *

"Well?" Logan pushed his lunch tray away and stared expectantly at James. "Do you get it now?"

James considered lying but Logan knew him too well. He shook his head. "No. I mean, I guess a little better than I did before but I'm still stuck."

Logan glanced at the huge wall clock and bit his lip in deep thought. "Okay. You have study hall next period right?"

"Yeah." James nodded. He studied Logan in an attempt to understand his friend's train of thought.

"Go there. I'll join you in a minute." Logan stood up and grabbed his lunch tray with one hand and his backpack in the other. Before James could question him, he was out of sight.

Since he didn't have a clue what was going on, James obeyed Logan's orders and headed over to his study hall. He sat down and had barely begun to think over Logan's words before Logan himself was sitting down next to him. "What are you doing here?" He asked. "Don't you have Math?"

"English." Logan corrected. "But all we really had to do today is hand in our essays. So I ran over there, handed Mrs. Roland my paper and explained things It was fine with her."

James would never fully understand his best friend. "Logan, you skipped a class?" He said in disbelief.

"Well, sort of. Technically I mean." Logan grinned. "But when you're an awesome student like I am the teachers tend to bend the rules for you every now and then."

"Thanks, Logan." James sighed in relief. "This really means a lot."

Logan shrugged. "Well, I figured that. . ." His voice caught suddenly and he cleared his throat before going on. "I figured that since we missed out on graduating last year that I'd do everything I could to make sure it didn't happen again."

James stared at Logan's determined face and replayed his words over in his mind. He thought back to the previous year and how they had almost lost Logan to leukemia. He, the brilliant one of the four, had dropped out of his senior year after only a couple weeks because he was too sick to handle his studies. The other three had followed after Christmas break. James knew it had been hard for Logan to throw away all of his academic dreams and he really wasn't at all surprised that Logan's determination had only doubled as time had gone by.

"Hey! James!" Logan snapped his fingers in front of James' face and looked at him in concern. "Earth to James. Are you okay?"

James jumped and refocused on the present. "Yeah. I'm good." Really he was. He pushed back the unpleasant memories. Logan was fine. The cancer was gone. With that thought came the familiar, almost overwhelming sense of relief. It had been six months since Logan had been pronounced cancer free and since then he had returned to his normal, healthy self. They were moving on. So that was why, despite his words, James' eyes filled with sudden tears. They weren't the sorrowful tears that he had cried when Logan was so sick. They were tears of a joy and happiness that could only be experienced and not explained. "I was just thinking." He finally said, knowing that Logan would understand.

Logan started to rub the back of his neck but stopped. He smiled before opening James' history book. "Only because of you guys." He whispered so that only James could hear.

It might have been six months since the sun had broken through the seemingly endless wall of clouds. But the thought still brought powerful emotions and James had to compose himself before he could concentrate of Logan's tutoring. "Sorry." He muttered, brushing a hand across his eyes.

"You're fine, James." Logan said patiently. He waited until James had control of his emotions again before he began to explain the Cold War once again.

Often Logan explained things better than any of James' teachers. Maybe it was because he knew James and he knew how to make things easier to understand. But in ten minutes, the fog in James' mind had started to clear. "I get it!" He said in amazement.

"See?" Logan smiled broadly. "Our minds are like filing cabinets that store up all the information we gather over the years. The trick is finding the key that unlocks a particular drawer." He laughed when James' rolled his eyes at his explanation. Then he glanced down at the pencil he held in his hand. "Be right back okay? This thing is pretty dull. Read this paragraph again." He pointed to a specific passage then got up and made his way to the front of the room.

James grinned at his mental breakthrough and obediently started to read what Logan had indicated. He finished it and had started to read it over again when a sudden commotion caught his attention.

"My bad." Sean Williams grinned innocently at the study hall teacher, Mr. Heath. "Sorry, Andrew."

Andrew was staring at his desk with a blank expression on his face. His books lay scattered on the floor around his chair but he made no move to pick them up again nor did he respond to Sean's false apology. James couldn't take his eyes off of the bullied kid. There was a strange glint in his bright blue eyes, behind his glasses. From where he sat three rows behind, James could see a dark look on the normally placid face. Out of the corner of his eye, James could see that Logan had paused his pencil sharpening to take in the scene.

Things can change in the blink of an eye but they often seem to happen in slow motion. In the moment that followed, James saw everything in perfect detail.

In one smooth motion, Andrew reached into his overstuffed backpack and pulled out a gun. It seemed to James that the sound of the first bullet being fired and the screams of terrified teenagers happened at the same time.

**A/N. I love how it's the first chapter and I already left off with a cliffhanger. I'm sorry. Really I am. It just. . . happened. Anyway, I realize that I promised that this would be posted on Sunday and I failed. I apologize for that. I was unexpectedly but pleasantly busy then. As for yesterday and today, well, work got in the way. I also need to tell you that I start school tomorrow and I will not be updating as frequently as I usually do. But I hope to be able to update quite a bit just the same. Anyway, I'll stop rambling so you can maybe leave a review if you liked it. Thanks for reading!**


	2. In One Moment Of Madness

**AN/. Sorry to leave you hanging like that. Like I said yesterday, my little brother said this update could wait. He was right but at least I know everything that happens in this story. Thanks for your patience and the reviews. I don't own anything.**

"He needs to be more careful." Kendall said as he stared down at the mess on his lunch tray that somehow passed for meatloaf. His stomach churned and he pushed it away.

Carlos pulled the untouched tray closer to him and stuck a forkful of the brown glob in his mouth. Carlos would eat anything. "You don't think those guys will follow through on their threat do you?" He asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

Kendall shook his head. "We won't let them lay a finger on Logan." He said firmly, slipping into his protective leader mode that never failed to assure Carlos. He took a sip from his water bottle and stared at the clear liquid. "I can't believe they would even think of hurting him. I mean, I know that they're all jerks but you really have to be an awful person to go after Logan after all he's been through."

"Some people just don't care I guess." Carlos said softly. His thoughts drifted to the year before and his appetite was gone. He pushed the food tray away.

Kendall's anger softened as he watched his younger friend. "He's okay now, remember Carlos?"

"I know." Carlos managed a small smile. "It's still hard to even think about though. You know?"

Kendall nodded. He knew all to well. It was terrifying to think where they had been just twelve months ago. He doubted that there would ever be a day he didn't think of the cancer that nearly took Logan away from them, making their inseparable foursome an undesired threesome. "Let's change the subject." He finally said with forced cheerfulness.

Carlos nodded gratefully. "To what though?"

"Um," Kendall shrugged and thought desperately. "I've got it!" His green eyes brightened and he relaxed. "We could talk about how awesome our class schedules are."

Carlos laughed. "You mean how the only time when see Logan is in the halls between classes or when James sees him in lunch? Or the way that you always have a class with either me and James?"

"The latter of course." Kendall replied. "I couldn't get away from you two if I tried. Sometimes I wish Logan wasn't so smart." He admitted, feeling like a lousy friend as he did so. "I mean, I just wish we could see him more often. But he's in all those AP classes and we're going through high school like normal teenagers."

"Tell me about it." Carlos agreed with a small laugh. "Logan is anything but normal when it comes to school though. And hey!" He pointed out. "That always works in our favor in the end right? He's a great tutor."

"You're right." Kendall sighed. He grinned at the look that crossed Carlos' face. "Just don't let it go to your head." He ducked Carlos' punch and stood up. "Ready to go to chemistry?"

"Always." Carlos bounded to his feet. "Just don't let me mix the wrong chemicals."

"Believe me," Kendall replied, rolling his eyes. "I wouldn't let that happen twice."

The two boys laughed then made their way to where they dumped their leftovers. They abandoned the noisy lunch room for the empty, peaceful hallway and walked to their chemistry classroom.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen." Ron Hawthorne greeted them. The young teacher looked up from the latest chemistry magazine to greet them. "Mr. Garcia and Mr. Knight. You are early today. Perhaps you came to review the study material so that we could avoid another incident?" His smile erased any trace of harshness in the words. Kendall and Carlos both enjoyed having him as their teacher.

"Another incident?" Carlos' face was the picture of innocence. "Why? What happened Doctor Hawthorne?"

Kendall slung an arm around the small boy's shoulders. "Ignore him, please. We'll go grab our seats and study like good students."

"How are your friends?" Doctor Hawthorne inquired as they sat down. That was just one of the reasons the boys liked him so much. He always asked about Logan and James and always really cared about their answer.

"They're great. James landed a modeling job for men's shampoo and Logan is acing every class as usual." Kendall told him proudly. "And the four of us are going on a short concert tour during winter break. Hopefully it'll get us some publicity."

"I must admit that I envy Doctor Charles Winters." Doctor Hawthorne said thoughtfully. "He and I have spoken in the teacher's lounge and he has nothing but praise for Logan. He said that in his forty years of teaching chemistry, he's never had such a promising student." He laughed. "I guess if I hang around long enough I might be able to teach one of his children."

The boys laughed but looked especially proud at their teacher's words. "He deserves all the praise he gets." Carlos said loyally.

"From what I've heard, I couldn't agree with you more." Doctor Hawthorne' face grew serious and he opened his mouth to say something more. But just then the classroom door slammed open and the flow of students interrupted the conversation.

Carlos listened to the teacher and read the instructions carefully before he pulled on his goggles. He shot a quick look at Kendall who returned his thumbs up.

Kendall's hand moved to pick up the right chemical when a noise stopped him and seemed to freeze the entire classroom.

He had only ever heard a gunshot on TV or in the movies. Never in real life. So in the following seconds he thought that he must have imagined the noise. Or maybe it was something completely different. Something safe. But when he heard a chorus of terrified screams in the distance and a second bang, his hand fell to his side and he gazed up at his teacher. It sounded exactly the same on TV and in the movies except for one thing. The cameras and sound mics could never capture the terror of the sound in real life.

The room had gone completely silent. His fellow classmates had ceased their quiet chatter and sat like statutes as they waited for Doctor Hawthorne to assure them that all twenty-five of them had imagined the same exact thing. But before their teacher could offer any words of comfort, the school intercom system crackled and blared over the entire building.

"Attention student," The automatic voice announced. "This is an emergency. Please make you way to a designated lock down area. Please remain calm and walk-"

The rest of the words were lost in the ensuing panic that erupted in the classroom. Stools were overturned and glasses full of chemicals shattered on the ground filling the air with a toxic scent. Doctor Hawthorne was trying in vain to settle the students into a safe, orderly fashion bu all Kendall could see was chaos.

Carlos' hand shot out and gripped Kendall's arm tightly. Another three shots rang out and the hysteria in the room grew until it was almost suffocating. As he watched his fellow students clamoring over one another in order to feel secure he was aware of three things:

One, there was someone shooting a gun in their school. Two, he and Kendall were _not_ in a designated lock down are. And three, by far the most terrifying, Logan and James weren't with them. He had no idea where they were.

* * *

Before James had time to react a huge body slammed into and knocked him to the floor. He glimpsed Bryan Reynolds, the high school's star quarterback jump to his feet and begin to run before another shot was heard and he fell to the ground.

_Logan! _James' mind screamed his friends name when his voice failed him. He couldn't see Logan from where he lay on the floor but every time he tried to regain his footing, he was knocked down again by fleeing students. A hand crushed his fingers and he nearly cried out. two more shots only added to the panic. James crawled across the floor, trying to avoid being completely trampled while his eyes darted across the room.

His breath caught in fear when he spotted a familiar black Converse a few yards away. "Logan!" He called, straining to be heard over the screams.

Suddenly, he was nearly on top of Logan who was pressed up against the wall in a corner, looking around frantically. "Logan." James breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed his friend's arm. He stood and started to pull Logan to his feet.

Logan's cry of pain made James collapse back to the floor. "Logan? What is it?" He asked, dread coating his every word.

Logan's face was white. "My. . . foot." He told James as both hands gripped his left foot.

James followed Logan's eyes and stared. Logan's foot was already drenched in blood, the crimson liquid staining his the black of his shoe and the blue of his jeans not to mention the floor. What had happened was obvious but James could still not fully process the fact that Logan had been shot.

"James?"

Logan's worried voice stopped the spinning sensation in James' head and he tore his gaze away from the bloodied foot to look at Logan. "It's okay, Logan. You're going to be fine. I'm getting you out of here."

"No." Logan shook his head violently. "I can't walk. I'll only slow you down."

But James ignored Logan's protests. "I didn't watch you almost die from your cancer to leave you here and let you bleed to death or get trampled." He said shortly. Gently, he pulled Logan up so that his injured foot was off the ground then he swung him into his arms. "I'm getting us both out of here."

He had no idea how they made it out of the classroom in one piece. Andrew was nowhere to be seen. But he was too focused on the fact that Logan was hurt and that they needed to find a lock down area to worry about anything else. "Hey, buddy?" He ducked into a dark corner of the hallway and looked down at Logan. "I need your help, okay? Where's the nearest lock down room? Do you remember?" Outwardly, he was perfectly calm but inside he cursed himself for not paying more attention to the safety lectures.

"Um. . ." Logan tried to think past the burning pain in his foot. Their lives depended on his answer. He looked left and right before it came to him. "Down that hall, the third door on the left Room 203." He used a hand to gesture to the area and he felt James' grip on him automatically tighten.

At first James tried not to jostle Logan too much. He walked as quickly as he dared, afraid to cause Logan any more pain. But when another shot was heard, even though he had no idea where it had come from, James broke into a run towards safety. He heard Logan moan softly but tried to ignore it. "Sorry, Logan."

Once they reached Room 203, James struggled to open the door. Finally, Logan brushed away his shaking hand and turned the knob himself. The door flung open with such violence that James lost his balance and the two boys went crashing to the floor.

James heard Logan cry out again and yet, somehow he had the presence of mind to slam the door shut and lock it before turning to his fallen friend. "Logan?" His voice shook with fear.

Logan's lips were pressed tightly together and he was shaking. But he with James' help, he managed to get into a sitting position and lean against the wall. "I'm okay." He finally said, breathing heavily. "It's not that bad, James." He said in an attempt to ease James' fear. "Look, the bleeding is slowing already."

"Don't lie to me, Logan." James' voice was steadier but he was still afraid. "Tell me the truth. How bad is it?"

Logan took a deep breath and let it out. "I can't move my foot or put any weight on it at all. It's probably broken. Other than that I feel a little dizzy and of course it really hurts. But it's not life threatening, James. I promise."

James let out the breath he had been holding, a small sob of relief forcing it's way from his throat. He nodded slowly. "Okay." He pulled Logan into a hug and they listened to the horror outside of the room and wished that Kendall and Carlos were there with them.

**A/N. Another cliffhanger but not nearly as bad as the first right? Right? Ahem. Okay. I hope to update on Sunday so hang in there! Thanks for the awesome reviews!**


	3. A Debt Repaid

**A/N. Hello, everyone! It's me again! Are you sick of me by now? I sure hope not! Anyway, before I begin I'd like to dedicate this chapter to One Man Writing Games. Because. . . you'll find out. I don't own anything. Read on!**

_"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." -John 15:13 English Standard Version._

Kendall struggled against the tide of panicked students. One hand gripped Carlos' wrist firmly while the other served as a poor excuse of an anchor to keep them steady. A huge body slammed into them on it's way past and suddenly Kendall's hand was empty. He stopped dead in his tracks, allowing himself to be hit from all sides as he searched frantically for his missing friend.

"Kendall!" Doctor Hawthorne suddenly appeared next to him and took his elbow. "You have to keep going."

But Kendall shook his head wildly and tore himself away from his teacher. "No. Carlos. I lost Carlos. Where is he? Carlos!" His voice rose above the tumult, hysteria evident in each word. He a;ready had no clue where James and Logan were and he wasn't about to lose Carlos as well.

Suddenly he felt a hand grab at his lower leg and without thinking he reached down and yanked Carlos back up to his feet. The younger boy was clearly dazed but to Kendall's relief, unharmed. He took an even firmer hold on his friend's wrist and rushed toward what he hoped meant safety.

They filed into the room and Doctor Hawthorne locked it securely behind them. He leaned against the wall and looked out over the sea of frightened faces.

"Carlos?" Kendall let Carlos collapse onto the floor and knelt down beside him. He placed his hands on his shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "Carlos, are you hurt at all?" He had to make sure.

Before the question was completely out of his lips, Carlos was shaking his head. But Kendall's relief faded when he started to cry. "Where are James and Logan?" He pleaded.

Kendall pulled him into a hug and wished more than anything that he could give him a comforting answer. "I don't know." He admitted, feeling his own eyes begin to fill. "I don't know, Carlos."

Dimly, the boys could hear Doctor Hawthorne trying to calm the students down but every time the room got quiet, another round of shots would set them off once more. Carlos buried his head in Kendall's shoulder, desperately trying to shut out the noise.

"Kendall? Carlos?"

The boys sprang up and embraced Julie and Camille. Both girls were crying and shaking in their arms.

"Have you seen Logan or James here?" Camille asked, searching the room for the third time. Julie looked pale and didn't say a word. "Kendall, where are they?"

"I don't know." Kendall said again, feeling helpless. "Logan had his English class and James had a study hall but-" He broke off when both girls gasped and Julie turned even paler. "What? What is it?" he asked urgently.

Julie sat down on the floor and broke into frantic sobs. Camille sat down beside her and held her tightly. When the boys stared at them questioningly, she opened her mouth and spoke shakily. "We heard that Andrew Morison shot Sean Williams in study hall. That's where James was supposed to be."

Kendall felt dizzy and leaned again the wall. His entire body suddenly felt numb with fear. The girls' sobs suddenly seemed to come from far away. He heard Carlos saying something but his words made no sense. They were still in the dark about Logan but if what Julie and Camille heard was true, then James had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

A sudden scream broke through his thoughts and Kendall turned with Carlos and the girls to look at the classroom door. The scream had come from outside the room. Before anyone could react, Doctor Hawthorne had opened the door and stepped out. He shut the door behind him and Jake Avery stood poised to lock it. The room had fallen completely silence as they listened.

"Stop this now." Their teacher's voice was deadly calm. "Think about what you're doing, Andrew. You're taking innocent lives. It's not up to you to decide who gets to live and who dies. If you stop then-" But another shot cut off his words and the students watched as Jake stumbled back from the door, his face ashen.

"He shot him." He whispered in shock. "He shot Doctor Hawthorne. He's dead." The boy collapsed onto the ground in utter shock and started chanting the words over and over again to no one in particular. "He shot him. He's dead."

Harrison Edwards, a senior stepped over Jake's shaking form and locked the door before anyone could react to the news. Then he knelt down next to the younger boy and placed his hand on a shaking shoulder. "There's nothing we can do." He said softly. Then he looked up at the rest of the students and spoke in a wavering voice. "He tried to save someone. She was out there all alone with Andrew and Doctor Hawthorne tried to save her." He closed his eyes as another shot sounded. "There's nothing we can do."

"But," Carlos started. "He. . . He can't be dead. Kendall and I were just talking to him a little while ago. How can he-"

"He's gone, Carlos." Harrison said flatly and the boys remembered how Harrison was studying to be a doctor. "I saw-" His voice broke and he turned away, unable to continue. "He's gone."

"Who was he trying to save?" Kendall heard himself ask. His stomach turned a somersault when he thought of how Jo and Stephanie were also missing.

Harrison looked back at them, his eyes pleading for them to stop asking him questions. "I don't know." He finally said. "It was a freshman. I recognized her but I never talked to her. I never even asked her what her name was. And now it's too late."

Kendall felt horrible for the brief sense of relief that washed over him when he knew it wasn't Jo or Stephanie. It wasn't fair for anyone to have their life cut short in such a horrible way. The girl, whoever she was or had been or whatever tense Kendall was supposed to use, had a family. She left behind her family and she left behind friends. They would grieve for her and miss her.

So would Doctor Hawthorne's family. Kendall felt sick. The teacher had only been in his late twenties. He and his wife had a two year old daughter. A two year old girl who was now fatherless. Somehow the fact that his family had to wait to know while the students already knew made it even worse.

"Why is this happening?" Camille asked, tears running down her pale cheeks. "Why is this happening to us?"

There was no answer. This was something Kendall always thought he would read about in the paper or see on the news. It wasn't supposed to happen to them. But it didn't matter. Because he had resigned himself to the fact that it had indeed happened and there was, as Harrison said, nothing they could do about it. He just wished that there were four more people in the room with them.

* * *

James flinched at the sound of another bullet shattering the temporary silence. He pulled Logan closer to him, trying to bring some comfort to the other boy. Logan was shaking violently from either fear or pain, James couldn't tell but it was scaring him. He had never seen Logan so terrified before.

"Why is this happening?" Logan whispered. "James, where is everyone?"

James wasn't used to be the one giving out the comfort. He should have been though. But Logan had been the one to hold them all together when he was sick. Now though, Logan was falling apart and it scared James almost as much as what was happening in the school. He felt a chill run down his spine. "It'll be okay, Logan. I promise. Everything will be fine."

Another shot seemed to mock his words and when it was followed by a strangled scream, Logan winced and buried his head in James' chest, covering his ears in desperation. "He's killing people out there, James. People are dying. It's not okay." Tears filled his eyes. "I didn't even know things were that bad with him. I thought it was just bad bullying. Andrew is a senior isn't he? He would have graduated this year and escaped all of it. But now. . ."

James shut his eyes as Logan babbled senselessly on about how they all should have helped Andrew before he snapped. But all James could think of was how there was never an excuse for killing innocent people. Andrew had been bullied and now he was a murderer. It didn't add up at all.

"What if he shot Carlos or Kendall or in of the girls? What if he shot one of our friends? There's no way we can know right now., All we can do is sit here and wait while he shoots everyone."

It wasn't normal for Logan to be so panicked. James looked down in concern. Logan's face was pale and his eyes were wide and slightly dazed. James wasn't a doctor but maybe Logan's injury was affecting him in some way. He had no way of knowing because Logan would never tell him. James glance down at Logan's foot, relieved to see that the bleeding had stopped. But upon closer inspection his stomach turned when he saw that the bullet had gone clean through the bone and the white stood out against the dried blood. "Logan, is your foot okay?" He had to at least try to get Logan to tell him something. If nothing else it might distract Logan.

Logan stopped talking and looked down at his foot. "It's okay." He said quietly. "It's just my foot, James. People are dying out there, James."

"I know." James whispered. "But they're out there and we're in here, Logan. Is there anything I can do?"

Logan shifted his position on the hard floor and hissed softly at the searing pain that shot through his foot. He felt James stiffen and saw the fear in his eyes. "I'm okay." He said quietly. He glanced around the room then brightened slightly. "I think Mr. Banner keeps a first aid kit in that closet over there." He said, nodding to the other side of the room. He felt better when he saw that his words eased James' fear.

"Don't move." James instructed pointlessly. He gently moved Logan so that he sat propped against the wall and stood up. "I'll be right back." He hurried over to the closet and gave the door a sharp tug. It didn't budge. "Logan," He said, tightly. "It's locked." The calm he had felt when Logan told him about the first aid kit disappeared when he realized that he couldn't even get to it.

"James, calm down." Logan said as James pulled frantically at the locked door. "It's not going to open that way." His own panic lessened as he tried to settle his friend down. "Check the teacher's desk. There might be a key. If not then don't worry. It's not-" He stopped talking when he realized that James wasn't paying attention to him as he dashed over the the desk and proceeded to rip open the drawers and dump out the contents in search of the key.

"It's not here!" James exclaimed in frustration and fear. "Logan, it's not here! We can't do anything!"

Logan waved James back over to the wall and pulled him down. "You're right, James. There's nothing we can do but sit and wait. But I'm okay and you're okay. We have that much. I'm sure the police will be able to get everything under control fairly soon."

But James hadn't heard a word that Logan had said. He sat in a rigid position, staring at the classroom door. Logan stopped talking and followed his frozen gaze.

Someone was trying to unlock the door. Logan didn't know what kind of locks the school's security had installed but it had failed them because the door swung open and Andrew Morison walked into the room, a gun gripped tightly in his hand.

"Thought you could run?" Andrew asked scornfully. The look in his eyes wasn't human as he took a step closer and grinned when both boys flinched. "Did you really think I'd let you get off easy?" His grin widened and he even laughed when Logan and James both moved to protect the other. But Logan's foot had temporarily crippled him and James had stood, putting himself between the crazed gunman and his best friend.

"Andrew," His voice was remarkably calm. "Don't do this. Stop. Please."

"Give me one good reason to not blow your head off right now." Andrew scoffed. "And then his." He gestured to Logan who was trying uselessly to get to his feet. "Or should I put him out of his misery? Did it hurt, Mitchell?"

"Don't you even think about hurting Logan." James said sharply. "You've done enough."

"James, James, James." Andrew sighed. "I've already hurt him. You couldn't stop me then and you can't stop me now. I hurt him and now I'm going to kill him." He tipped his head in consideration. "The only thing is I can't decide which one of you I'd rather shoot first. Any volunteers? If I were you I'd want to go first. It can't be fun to watch your best friend die. Then again, it's not like you'd have to suffer that much."

"Why?" Logan had finally managed to get to his feet and was leaning against the wall, his face white with fear and pain. James caught sight of a fresh trickle of blood running down Logan's shoe.

"Why?" Andrew repeated. "Why not? I swear you're both so stupid. Everyone in this freaking school is so stupid. I'm sick and tired of dealing with people like you."

"Andrew, we never did anything to you!" Logan protested.

Andrew's jaw clenched in anger. "You never did anything _for_ me either!" He shouted. "You just sat back and let all those idiots do whatever they wanted because you didn't want to bother getting involved. In the end, what's the difference?" He swung the gun past James and pointed it at Logan.

Logan shut his eyes and waited for the impact of the bullet ripping through his chest. But instead, as the gun went off, he felt a different kind of impact. It came from the side and didn't hurt nearly as much as he thought it would. He fell to the floor, blood already spreading over his side.

But something was wrong. He felt no pain other than the pain in his foot which had been intensified by his fall. A dead weight lay on top of him and suddenly a terrifying realization knocked the breath from his lungs.

"Stupid, selfish James." Andrew said in a mocking voice. "He'd rather you watch him die. Some friend." He dropped the empty gun to the floor and pulled out his last reserve from his pocket.

"No." Logan whispered. "James." His friend lay motionless where he had fallen. His breathing was already coming in short, choked gasps and a steady stream of blood was coating his chest. Confusion and pain were in his glazed over eyes.

Adrenaline was something Logan had only heard of before. It supposedly made ordinary people do extraordinary things. Logan should have never been able to rise to his feet and tackle Andrew before the shooter had time to blink. But adrenaline could also backfire and as the two boys fell to the ground, Andrew's gun went off on it's own.

Immediately, Logan's right shoulder was screaming in pain and again, blood was flowing. The gun had been knocked from Andrew's hand when they had fallen and it slid across the floor near James' prone body.

Logan shoved Andrew away and half crawled to the weapon and closed his fingers around the cold metal. He shivered at the touch but swung around and pointed it straight at Andrew who froze in his tracks.

At first, Andrew's face was filled with fear and then it changed to a look of bitter contempt. "Go ahead. Shoot me. I'm going to die anyway. At least I'm not the only victim this time." He grinned when Logan hesitated. "You can't do it, can you?"

Logan's eyes found James before they returned to Andrew. "You shot my best friend." He whispered. "But I'm not a monster like you." He pulled the trigger, the force of the bullet being discharged surprising him. His hand burned and he dropped the gun to the floor.

Andrew screamed in pain as the bullet buried itself in his leg. He stumbled and fell backwards, his head hitting the floor with a dull thud. He didn't move.

James. Logan turned back to his friend and grabbed a limp hand in his and shook it. "James! James, can you hear me?" Tears of fear, pain, and shock streamed down his face, making it nearly impossible to see James.

But James could only stare at him. He blinked and took a shuddering breath, assuring Logan that he was alive, at least for the time being.

"Okay, James." Logan breathed a sigh of relief. "Listen to me. I'm going to help you. You're going to be fine. Just stay awake. I'll be right back." Again, adrenaline kicked in and he slowly but steadily made his way over to the supply closet, not caring that it was locked and there was no key to be found. He dug his fingers in the small space at the bottom of the doors and tugged with all of his failing strength. It shouldn't have opened but it did.

The latch snapped and broke, sending Logan backwards before he regained his balance and tore through the contents of the closet before he finally found the first aid kit. He ignored the pain in his shoulder and foot and crawled back to James.

"Logan," James managed to whisper. His voice was weak and filled with pain. He coughed and Logan's terror escalated when his body convulsed with the involuntary action and blood appeared on his lips.

Pushing back the wave of fear that nearly overtook him and the sight of James coughing up blood, Logan pressed a wad of gauze to James' wound. He held it there firmly despite the uncontrollable shaking in his hands. "Don't worry, James." He babbled on insensibly. "You're going to be fine. Help is coming. Help will be here soon."

Through his pain, James somehow managed a small smile. "It's okay, Logan." He gasped out, his eyes beginning to flutter shut.

"James, you have to stay awake!" Logan found himself screaming at his friend. James was dying and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Still, he refused to let him go.

"Logie."

At the sound of his friends' nickname for him, Logan collapsed into wild, shuddering sobs. "You promised, James. You promised everything would be okay."

"Don't cry." James' eyes were filling with tears but they were closing as they did. "Thanks. . . for being such. . . a good friend, Logie."

"No!" Logan pleaded. "James, please don't do this. You can't die, James. It's not fair, James." But James never answered him. His eyes were shut and his breathing was growing weaker with each gasp. Logan laid his head down on his friend's bloodied chest and let the blackness overtake him.

* * *

Professional voices reached Logan through the blackness and he woke up to see four EMTs and two policemen surrounding them. He looked down at James and breathed a shaky sigh of relief. "You need to help my friend first." He raised his voice and tried to shake off the gentle hands that were trying to help him. "James is hurt worse than me." He insisted. He felt horribly dizzy and weak but he knew James was far worse off than he was. "He needs help. The bleeding stopped but he needs help fast."

Again they tried to pulled him away from James but Logan let them because it meant that James would get help too. But instead, they laid him on a stretcher and left James where he lay. "No!" Logan struggled against the restraining hands and sat up. "Help James too! He's not bleeding anymore and-"

"Son," A face appeared in front of Logan, blocking his view of James. "That's because he's gone."

**A/N. Okay. So I really don't know what to say. I feel horrible. Wow. Do you all hate me? I have no idea what possessed me to do something so awful but it just happened. I lost control. So there. I hope OMWG has had her fill of Jamesangst. Loganangst is killing me right now. Anyway, I have no idea which story I'll be updating next since I ran out of pre-written chapters for both of them. I'll try to update one tomorrow though. Review? Oh. Points for anyone who can make sense of the chapter title.**


	4. Survivors

**A/N. So I'm kind of suffering Writer's Block for both of my current stories but I have a better idea of where I'm going with 'Innocence Lost' so yeah. We'll see how it goes. By the way how did you like the last chapter? I dug a hole and laid in it for a long while. I'm out at the moment. I might have to go back in. We'll see. I don't own anything.**

A uniformed policeman stepped into the room and looked around at the stricken faces. He pulled out his walkie-talkie and spoke into, his voice wavering slightly. "I've got about sixteen kids in here. None of them seem to be injured just shaken up. There's two bodies outside the room though, A teacher and a girl. They're both gone."

Carlos whimpered quietly at the mention of Doctor Hawthorne and the freshman girl. "Can we leave please?" He asked, his voice lacking all emotion. The shock of the horrific tragedy had taken it's toll on him and all those around him. He sighed wearily and leaned close to Kendall who tightened his protective grip around his shoulders.

The officer gave a sharp nod, struggling to keep his professional composure. He was young, probably fresh out the academy, and none of the training in the world could have ever been enough preparation for the real thing. "Come with me. We're walking straight to the nearest exit. Don't run off looking for anyone all right?" He waited until they all nodded then motioned for them to step out of the room.

_Look straight ahead. Don't look left or right or back or down or. . ._ Carlos' eyes disobeyed his brain and they wandered around the deserted halls. Immediately outside of the room were two bodies covered in sheets. It hurt to think that one of his favorite teachers was under one of them and the other was over a fifteen year old girl. Backpacks lay strewn over the floor, dropped by panicked students and Carlos would have tripped over one if Kendall hadn't kept a death grip on his elbow, keeping him steady.

"Just keep walking." Kendall murmured softly to Carlos and the girls. "We're almost there." He carefully averted his eyes from the body sheets and focused instead on the doors up ahead.

The sunlight was overwhelmingly bright when they finally shoved the heavy doors opened and stepped out into the fresh air. It was complete chaos all over the school grounds. Police cars and ambulances were everywhere and behind barriers were frantic parents, calling for their missing children. Almost immediately, Kendall's eyes found two familiar figures and he pulled Carlos along with him, already knowing that Julie and Camille were right behind them.

Jo and Stephanie flung themselves into their boyfriends' arms and cried. They shook with frightened and relieved sobs before pulling away and hugging the other girls. Then, the six of them collapsed onto the grass and took comfort in the presence of each other. But there was still a nagging fear brought on by the absence of two people.

"Have you-" Jo broke off in mid-sentence when Kendall shook his head. She leaned in closer to him and held tightly to Camille's hand while Stephanie tried to comfort a distraught Julie.

"I heard that the shooting started in the study hall where James was supposed to be." Julie whispered. She stared out at the sea of people rushing by. Then she turned back to the others, a desperate hope in her troubled eyes. "But they could be wrong, right? It could have been somewhere completely different."

Camille nodded mechanically. "Of course, Julie. I'm sure they're both fine." But no one including herself believed it. A sense of dread filled the noisy air and settled around them.

"What are we supposed to do?" Stephanie looked around. "Are any of our parents here?" It was impossible to distinguish anyway through the sea of faces.

Carlos shrugged, accidentally jostling his girlfriend in the process. "I don't know." He said. "I guess we could ask someone but everyone seems so busy. I don't know what we should be doing at all."

"This is all so unbelievable." Jo sighed. "I never thought this would actually happen to us. I wish I paid more attention to all those safety prevention classes we had to go to. At least then I would have some sort of idea of what I should be doing." She went to lean her head on Kendall again but nearly fell over when he jerked violently away. "Kendall?" She questioned.

Kendall didn't hear her at all. He scrambled to his feet and before anyone could speak he dashed over to a nearby ambulance followed closely by Carlos. "Logan!" He shouted. The relief at seeing one of his best friends died instantly when he saw the state that Logan was in.

Logan's entire body was covered in blood. The majority of the stains were on his left foot and right shoulder but his gray T-shirt had turned red and clung to his shaking body. Kendall noticed that both of his hands were oozing the red liquid and he wondered how Logan could possibly be alive after losing so much blood.

But Logan wasn't just alive. He thrashed out wildly against the restraining arms of the EMTs who were trying to load him into the waiting ambulance. He was crying so hard that neither Kendall or Carlos could make out a word he was trying to say. His eyes were wild with pain and shock and he never once reacted to his friends' voices.

The two boys stood, staring numbly at their friend. They barely even noticed the girls as they joined them and simply stared at Logan. The EMTs were practically laying on top of him in their attempts to keep him from falling off the stretcher. He babbled on and on incoherently until finally his words began to make sense. And what he said was like a blow to the stomach.

"James," He cried out and flung his good arm out, smacking an EMT in the face. "He's gone. James is dead. He's gone." Then he became impossible to understand again and he fell back against the stretcher sobbing. The EMTs took their opportunity and strapped Logan to the wheeled bed before shoving it into the back of the ambulance.

Kendall and Carlos stumbled backwards and fell to the grass. Julie collapsed to the ground beside them, already inconsolable. They dimly noticed the other girls kneeling beside their friend, trying in vain to comfort her. James. James was dead. And some horrible doubt that Logan would even make it to the hospital nagged at all of them. But James. After all they had been through with Logan's cancer, had they lost two of their friends in one senseless act of violence?

"Kids?" A soft voice interrupted their grief and the teens looked up to see a police chief leaning over them. His face was filled with concern and sympathy as he gently placed a hand on Julie's shoulder. "I need you to follow me." He gestured with his free arm across the street. "The gym over there is holding the unharmed students until they all find their parents. None of you have been hurt correct?"

Somehow Kendall found the strength to shake his head and he stood up, pulling Carlos to his feet as well. Then the two boys and the chief helped the girls up as well and slowly they made their way across the street. The gym was already packed full of students, milling around in shock and the small group found an empty corner when they allowed themselves to fall apart.

It couldn't be real. It had to be a nightmare. James couldn't really be dead. How would Logan have known anyway? His English class was far away from where James had his study hall. He might have heard it from another student but the information could still be wrong. Carlos had become an expert at being in denial when Logan was sick but for some reason it wasn't working as he sat in the gym and cried for the life of his friend and Logan who might die as well.

It wasn't long before their parents began showing up. Thankfully, Julie's parents showed up first and after gathering the horrible information, her father gathered his broken hearted daughter in his arms, saying something about how it would probably be best if they got her home. It might have made sense if the rest of them could process anything at all.

Stephanie's and Jo's parents showed up at the same time, followed closely by Camille's mother who tearfully gathered her daughter into her arms and clung to her, afraid to let go. The girls all let their parents take them home with little protest, but not before embracing Kendall and Carlos once again.

"Kendall? Carlos?" Mrs. Knight rushed over to the boys and hugged them both tightly. When she pulled away, Katie latched herself to Kendall and refused to budge an inch.

"Mom," Kendall sobbed uncontrollably. "James is dead. Logan said. . . and he might die too. There was so much blood."

"I want my mom and dad." Carlos pleaded. "Are they coming? When are they coming? I need them. Please." He shook with his own sobs and cried into his friend's mother's shoulder, all the while wishing his own mother was there.

"Oh boys." Mrs. Knight whispered through her own tears that started to fall the second her son had spoken. There was nothing she could say to take away the grief that was already swallowing them up and she hugged them closer to her, sandwiching Katie in the process. "Are you sure?" She hadn't meant to give them false hope. It would be cruel to give them any sort of hope but she found herself asking the question in sheer desperation.

Carlos shook his head and pulled away. "No." He said. "We didn't see him. But Logan just kept saying over and over again that James was dead and he was crying so hard and he wouldn't let them help him. I've never seen Logan like that. He was so. . . sad."

"He could be wrong." Katie said before she could stop herself. She was only eleven, almost twelve but what did she know? Besides, she absolutely refused to believe that one of her brothers could actually be dead. Not like this. "Logan's been wrong before." She whispered. "He. . . He could have been in shock or something like that."

"But even if he was wrong and James isn't dead, where is he? How bad is he hurt? And what about Logan? He was really hurt, Mom." Kendall shuddered at the memory. "He. . . The blood. There was so much of it, Mom."

"Okay." Mrs. Knight hugged him once more. "We'll go to the hospital now. On the way Kendall, I want you to call your father and Carlos, I want you to call your parents. I can't imagine how worried they are right now."

"What. . ." Carlos choked on the words. "What about James' parents?"

Kendall's mother wrapped a reassuring arm around his shoulders. "We don't know anything about James right now, Carlos. Not for sure anyway. Let's find out before we give them any false information."

False. It could still be false information. So easily. Kendall and Carlos held onto that slim chance and followed Mrs. Knight and Katie to the waiting car. Despite the small bit of hope that they had been given, Kendall started to cry again as soon as he was in the car and Carlos joined him. They cried for their friends in whatever state they might be in. They cried for the dead and the injured and the living. They cried for the day that had changed their lives forever no matter what happened later on.

* * *

He was in that state of mind where he was still asleep but totally aware of everything going on around him. He was in a hospital, that much was obvious. He had spent so much time in the hospital last year that he knew without opening his eyes that he was back. The hushed voices and the quiet bustle was as familiar as the beeping of the heart monitor. He had forgotten how annoying that sound could be.

He knew how he had come to be there too. He wanted to block it out but the memory was still so sharp. Study hall. Andrew. The lock down room that had failed them. Andrew. Pain.

He was in so much pain. His whole body ached and tears came to his closed eyes, spilling down his cheeks. He felt a gentle squeeze on one of his hands and managed to return the gesture. He knew that they must be worried about him. He wanted to open his eyes and let everyone know that he was okay but he was afraid.

Worse than the physical pain that he was in was the emotional pain the threatened to pull him back into total unconsciousness. He was tempted to let it take him. Maybe everything would hurt less there. But maybe it would hurt more. He was no stranger to nightmares.

He decided to wake up. If anything, it would ease the fears for everyone else. It might hurt him but he hated to think of anyone suffering on his account. But it was easier said than done. His eyes felt like they weighed about three pounds each as he struggled to open them. He managed to complete the task and instantly he focused on two extremely worried looking people sitting by his bed. When they saw that he was awake, relief didn't begin to describe their expressions. He smiled through his pain and opened his mouth to reassure them even more. But before he could, one of them reached forward and brushed his hair off his forehead and spoke through the falling tears.

"James."

**A/N. Oh wow. So yeah. Am I evil or awesome? Because if I were reading this I would have mixed feelings. I think. I don't know. But yeah. James is alive. Did you really think that I could kill him? NO. WAY. James is alive and because I'm still a terrible person, Logan will be the last to know this. ANYWAY, a few more things before I let you leave a review. One, you're all so smart to have guess the meaning of the last chapter's title. I love you all. Two, since I'm suffering from Writer's Block with both of my stories (Like, I don't really like this chapter. I felt like I was fighting the entire time I was writing), I'll be starting the 'Big Time Rush 100 Themes Challenge' soon. It'll be a nice break from multi chapter stories. Okay, that's all. Please review!**


	5. Waking Up

**A/N. I love writing. I love 'Big Time Rush'. I love angst. I love combing all of these things. That's all I have to say for now. I don't own anything.**

"Mom? Dad?" The weakness in James' voice scared him. The effort it had taken him to speak the two small words scared him even more. But when he saw that his father, not just his mother, was crying, he forgot all about his voice. Fear gripped him and suddenly all he could think of was one thing. He tried to speak and wound up with a brief coughing fit that caused the burning pain in his chest to grow stronger. When he could breath regularly again, James accepted his mother's assistance and took a sip of water, letting the cool liquid soothe his pained throat. Then he tried again. "Logan." He whispered.

There were others he knew. Kendall and Carlos and the girls. But Logan had been shot. James knew that. And he was pretty certain that he had been shot again because he vaguely remembered his shoulder bleeding as he tried to help James. After that, James remembered nothing. He had no idea where his friends were, if they were even alive. He didn't even know what day of the week it was. It didn't matter though. It could have been Christmas for all James cared. The only thing that mattered were his friends.

"James," His mother took a shuddering breath and touched his cheek with a gentle hand. "Honey, we were so-".

James pulled away, wincing at the pain the movement caused. "I'm okay." He rasped, even though he had no idea if he actually was. "What about Logan? He got shot too." He shivered at the memory and focused on his parents to keep from seeing the images of the horrific event.

His mother glanced at her husband and James almost stopped breathing at the look the two traded. Something was wrong. Before he could say anything though, his father looked back at his son. "Logan's fine. Everyone is." He smiled shakily. "You were the one the doctors were most concerned about."

He was lying. James was positive that his father was lying to him. It was the way he averted his eyes slightly when he spoke Logan's name. James felt his chest constrict painfully but fear robbed him of speech.

"Are you in pain? I'll call the doctor." His mother rose to her feet and pressed the call button. She sank back down in her chair and took James' hand and squeezed in gratefully. "We were so worried, James. When we got here last night-".

"Last night?" James found his voice to interrupt his mother once again. "How long has it been since. . ." He trailed off, uncertain of how to finish his sentence.

"Only yesterday." Mr. Diamond sighed in relief when the door opened and a doctor walked in. "Thank you for coming so quickly, Doctor Rodgers. Our son is awake and. . ." He eyed James is concern. "Probably in a lot of pain."

"I'm not surprised." Doctor Rodgers said, nodding. "It's nice to meet you, James. You gave us all quite a scare. How much pain are you in?"

James was quiet as he tried to absorb all of the doctor's words. "Thank you for helping me." He said politely. "Um, I am in pain but can I ask a few questions first?"

Doctor Rodgers glanced questioningly at James' parents and the three adults had an entire conversation within five seconds. "Your friends are all fine. Logan is sleeping right now. I don't know if your parents mentioned this but he's much better off than you."

"I don't believe you." James said before he could stop himself. So much for being polite. That was Logan's job though. It was his job to push and pry until he found out what he wanted to know. But did he even really want to know? "Please," He begged. "Something's wrong isn't it? With Logan. What aren't you telling me?" He had just gotten his best friend back when the cancer went away. Could it possibly be that he had came back to them only to lose him in a split second?

Once again the adults exchanged glances and James wondered if he would ever be able to interpret the silent language. Finally he saw his father and mother nod and he relaxed. Doctor Rodgers said something about giving them privacy and returning when James was ready for his pain medication. He left and James tensed up once again. "Well?" He asked, hating the trembling in his voice that seemed to justify his fears.

"James," If his mother said his name like that one more time he was going to scream. "I'm going to tell you everything but if you get too upset we'll have to stop and get the doctors to give you something. You need to be resting right now."

"I'll be fine." James insisted, ignoring the throbbing all over his body. He could wait. He had to know. "So tell me." He felt like a jerk for being so rude and demanding after his parents had been so worried but he couldn't help himself.

His father took over and and spoke with forced calm in his voice. "James, Logan was shot twice. Once in his foot and once in his shoulder. His foot is broken but it shoulder heal quickly. The shoulder injury was a bit more severe. The bullet hit an artery up high and he lost a lot of blood." He paused to make sure that James was handling the information then went on when his son remained mute. He went on but looked slightly confused as he did. "His hands were badly damaged too. The doctors couldn't figure out what happened but most of his fingernails were ripped off and they were pretty bruised."

At that, James' eyes widened. "His hands?" He repeated. He struggled to think of something that could have happened to Logan but came up empty. "Did they ask him?" Once again the words came out before he could even think to stop them.

His father shook his head. "James, Logan is going to be okay physically. But. . . Kendall and Carlos saw him at the school and he was. . . extremely upset. He kept saying that. . . you were dead." The words came haltingly and were filled with pain.

"But. . ." James shook his head. "But I'm not." Obviously_, genius._ His inner voice sneered. _Logan doesn't know that though._ "Why?" He asked. "Why does he think I'm dead? Has anyone told him that I'm not?" His voice rose with each word until the expressions on his parents' faces became alarmed. Then he forced himself to calm down.

"You've both been out since yesterday." his mother told him gently.

"Why isn't he awake?" James focused on the sheets over his lap, unable to look at his mother or father.

"Well, both of you needed surgery and were given anesthesia. You just woke up and Logan should be awake soon too." Mrs. Diamond tried to assure James.

He refused to be comforted though. "What if he isn't?" The fear and distress in his voice couldn't be disguised. "Can you please ask someone? He thinks I'm dead." James covered his face in his hands. He knew what it was like to actually lose a friend. But Logan had come back and he was better. Except now he was hurt because James hadn't been able to protect him. And he thought James was dead.

"James, calm down." His mother tried to soothe him. She glanced at her husband and he nodded before standing up and hitting the call button.

"No!" James protested in alarm. "Mom, I need to know if Logan's really going to be okay. I need to see him."

But his parents both shook their heads. "James, you need to rest. The more you rest the sooner you'll be able to see Logan." His father told him as Doctor Rodgers returned. "But you aren't helping anyone if you're panicky like this."

Frustrated tears filled James' eyes and every adult misinterpreted them for tears of pain. "No." He pleased desperately. "I need to see him. And Kendall and Carlos. And everyone. Please." But already, he felt the medication working it's way through his veins and as much as he struggled against it, he was losing the battle and slipping back into unconsciousness. His eyelids felt heavy and the physical pain was fading. The emotional pain remained though, even as his eyes closed and he felt his mother kiss him on the forehead and heard her whisper something about later on. It remained when he felt nothing else at all.

* * *

_James is dead. James is dead. He's dead. He's gone. Andrew killed him. He shot James. James is dead._

Logan tried to ignore the faint voices that were calling to him. He didn't want to wake up. He didn't want to open his eyes and see Kendall and Carlos there because all he could think of was the painful absence of James. He didn't want to breath because he should be dead. He should be dead but James saved him. He had died in Logan's place. It didn't make sense.

After all they had been through together how could life give them such a cruel twist of fate? Why had this happened to them? To James? James didn't deserve to die. He was too good of a person to die. At first glance, James could come off as shallow and self-absorbed. But Logan knew him better than that. James was far too caring for his own good. He was always there for his friends when they needed him. Except for now.

A tiny part of Logan was furious at James for being so stupid. How could he have done something so stupid? That bullet had been meant for Logan. But James, like some horrible movie cliché had put himself between that bullet and his best friend and the price he paid had been his life. And now Logan and Kendall and Carlos were left to grieve for their friend.

But most of Logan felt nothing but pain for his lost friend. He felt terrible for being angry at someone who was dead. What kind of friend was he? He should be grateful. James had saved his life. But all Logan could think of was how he wished he and James could have traded places. James had left so much more behind than he ever would.

"Logan, please wake up." Kendall's voice broke through Logan's thoughts and pulled him further away from the dark that he wanted to stay in forever. He didn't want to open his eyes to face his friends. But the tears in Kendall's voice and Carlos' silence made him.

The light was so bright. Too bright. Logan squinted against it until Carlos realized his predicament and turned the lamp away. He and Kendall both looked awful. It was obvious that neither of them had slept the night before. Their faces were pale and drawn with anxiety like when Logan had been sick. Except now they were grieving for James. But when Logan opened his eyes, they surprised him by smiling.

"Hey, Logan." Carlos said quietly as if he was afraid that the sound of his voice would chase Logan back to the darkness. He reached out like he wanted to touch Logan on the hand but seemed to remember something and dropped his hand back in his lap. "How are you feeling?"

They had to be insane. How was he feeling? Logan yearned to go back to the darkness where everything hurt less. He shook his head mutely, tears filling his eyes.

"Is it James?" Kendall's question was so abrupt that it startled Logan.

Logan could only nod and the tears began to overflow and run down the side of his face, blurring his eyesight. "He's dead." He whispered. "He saved my life."

Carlos and Kendall jerked back slightly at his words. "He did?" Carlos asked, awe in his voice. But then he frowned again and looked at Kendall before speaking again. "Logan," He said as gently as he could. "James is alive."

The words yanked Logan away from the darkness and he stared incredulously at his friends. "What?"

"Logan, what made you think James died?" Kendall asked instead of answering him. "You told us that he died and he didn't. He's not dead."

Each word took time before it could properly sink in. Finally, Logan shook his head and spoke in a shaking voice. "I. . . I woke up and the EMTs were there and I told them to help James first because Andrew shot him. . . in the chest. But then they told me that his bleeding stopped because he was gone. He died."

Kendall and Carlos looked at each other. "Logan," Kendall said slowly. "The policeman who talked to us said that when they found you both of you were unconscious. You didn't wake up until they got you outside."

"It was just a dream." Carlos said softly. "James is fine, Logan." He could hardly bring himself to look Logan in the face and see the suffering that still lingered there. "I promise. I just talked to his dad. He woke up a little while ago. He was worried about you too."

Logan hardly dared to hope that what Carlos and Kendall were telling him wasn't a dream. It was real. James was alive. "Can I see him?" He asked, tears coming again because he already knew the answer.

"Not right now." Kendall said gently. "You both need to rest." He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "You really scared us, Logan." His voice cracked with emotion. "I thought we'd lost both of you and. . ." He took a shuddering breath and smiled a little bit. "But you're okay." He said, wonder in his voice. "Both of you are."

Both. Logan shut his eyes and tried to convince himself that Kendall and Carlos were telling the truth. But after being so sure that James was dead he couldn't wrap his mind around the opposite. "I need to see him." He heard himself saying. "Please. I just. . . I just need to know that he's really okay."

Confusion flitted across Kendall's face. "Logan, we told you. He's okay." He pictured his friend being ecstatic by the news. But he didn't believe them. "Why don't you-".

"Because," Logan broke in. "Because it was so real. Everything. I want to believe you. I do. But can't. Not really. I want to see him myself."

"Logan," Carlos said tearfully. "I- We _promise_ that James is okay. But you need to rest before you can see him. You were hurt too, Logan."

It was then that Logan was first aware of the pain he felt. His foot and shoulder ached and his hand burned with every movement. But the ache in his heart had eased considerably and when Carlos promised yet again that James was alive and well he felt even better. He didn't care about the pain as long as it meant that he was alive and they were still four. "Okay." He finally said.

Carlos and Kendall visibly relaxed and smiled gratefully. "Get some sleep, buddy." Kendall whispered. "I promise we'll get you to James, okay? We want to see him too."

"Tomorrow?" Logan begged. He felt tired but this time he resisted the darkness because last time he had been there he thought James was dead. He was afraid to go back.

Carlos bit his lip, hating to see the always steady Logan so fragile. "We'll see, okay Logan?" He glanced at Kendall and mouthed something so that Logan couldn't see. Kendall wordlessly stood up and pressed the button by Logan's bed.

"I don't need anything." Logan protested. "Please don't make them give me anything. I want to stay awake and talk with you guys." A thought occurred to him. "Camille. Are-".

"They're all fine." Kendall assured him."Worried sick about you and James of course but we're all okay."

The door opened then and a man introduced himself as Doctor Samuels. Without saying much else, he gave Logan a dose of something, probably Morphine, and gave Logan a reassuring pat on his good shoulder before leaving.

"He's a nice guy, really." Carlos told Logan. "They're. . . busy here." He fell silent.

"How bad was it?" Logan asked, his eyes already closing.

"Don't think about that now." Kendall ordered. "You need to rest."

If he hadn't felt like his strength had been totally zapped, Logan would have protested Kendall telling him that he needed to rest again. He knew he needed to rest. He just didn't want to. He was afraid. But he also knew that the quicker he got his much needed rest, the sooner he would be able to see James. He stopped fighting the medication and let the darkness take him, already anticipating the light.

**A/N. Whew! This took me forever to write for some reason so I really hope you like it. I'll hopefully write something tomorrow but I have no idea what so hang in there! Please review!**


	6. Together But Alone

**A/N. It's official. I need to watch 'Dead Poets Society' to help me with 'Three'. When I'll have the time to actually do that I have no idea. But for now I have 'Innocence Lost' and 'Miracle of the Moment' to fall back on. I shall remain sane. For now. I don't own anything.**

Kendall and Carlos sat nervously by James' hospital bed, waiting for him to wake up. They had been with Logan all day the day before, giving James' parents time alone with their son. But now they had switched because the boys desperately needed to see for themselves that James was still breathing. It was frightening seeing him sound asleep in the bed, white sheets pulled over his body. It didn't look like James. He looked thinner, if that were possible after only two days in the hospital, and worn out. His breathing was rough, like it hurt him to inhale and exhale which would be no real surprise. But he was alive.

Exhaustion tugged at both of the boys but they refused to give in to its demands that they shut their eyes and fall asleep even for just a few minutes. They hadn't slept since the night before the shooting, something Logan, if he had been healthy, would have reprimanded them for. But Logan and James were the reasons they hadn't slept. Kendall and Carlos envied the morphine induced sleep that claimed their friends and felt horrible for it. The two had been shot and nearly died. Whenever they were awake they were in pain and morphine was the only thing that helped them at all. Still, the two healthy boys were afraid of going to sleep only to wake up from nightmares.

Although both of their friends were beginning to recover, it didn't take away what had happened to them or made it easier to deal with. Andrew Morison had shot fourteen people and nine of those people had died. It had almost been ten or maybe even eleven.

Carlos chewed on his lip anxiously, wishing that James would just wake up. He wanted to hear his voice and see his brown eyes. James had been shot in the chest. The bullet had just missed his heart. James had almost died. In fact, for a while, they had all thought that James had died. Because Logan said that he was dead.

The memory slammed into Carlos and he winced, attracting Kendall's attention. The younger boy didn't need to say anything though. The pain was all too obvious in his dark eyes. Kendall put a steady hand on his shoulder and Carlos felt some relief. But the relief didn't stop the memory from coming.

* * *

_Logan was completely covered in blood. In fact, Carlos didn't even recognize him when Kendall first pulled him over to the ambulance. He had seen blood on Logan before. There had been that awful night on James' birthday when Logan had thrown up blood and nearly died. Carlos himself had been soaked by the blood. But this was somehow different. Carlos didn't remember seeing that much blood back then. Logan looked like the victim of a horror movie. Then again, maybe he was._

_It was more than his appearance though. Logan was hysterical, past all reasoning. He took no notice of Kendall and Carlos as they approached but thrashed out wildly as the EMTs tried to secure him to the stretcher. Tears were falling rapidly but Carlos could sense that they weren't tears of pain despite Logan's injuries. It was only when Logan began to sob out James' name that things started to fall into place, like pieces of a puzzle revealing an awful picture._

_After that things were a blur. Logan had finally collapsed on the stretcher and he was quickly loaded into the ambulance. Then they had been led to the gym across the street to wait for their parents. They had all sat in numb shock at Logan's words. James couldn't be dead. He was James. That should have been reason enough._

_Kendall's mom had been the last to show up and as much as he loved her and Katie, all Carlos wanted in that moment were his own parents and his little sisters. But they were in Minnesota and even when he called them and his father tearfully told him that they would be in LA late that night, he only wanted them more. And he couldn't have them._

_They had sat in the hospital waiting room, a familiar setting to them in an awful way, and did nothing. Carlos hated to feel so helpless and he knew Kendall hated it even more because Kendall was the leader and even though the others tried to take his self-inflicted burdens away, Kendall always felt that he needed to be the strong one._

_But he couldn't be strong when one of his friends was dead and the other might be near death. And so Kendall was crying so hard that Carlos was afraid he was going to pass out. He couldn't understand why he wasn't crying. He felt. . . nothing. Numb. Then everything changed once again._

"_Excuse me." A tired nurse approached them and forced a small smile. "I'm Nurse Angela Roberts and I thought I'd give you an update on your friends."_

_Carlos' entire body froze and he simply stared at her. Friends. She had said friends. As in plural. More than one. Carlos knew that he hadn't imagined it either because Mrs. Knight and Katie were both staring at her wordlessly, and Kendall's sobbing had stopped completely and he stood up, the old Kendall._

"_Friends?" He demanded shakily. "Who?"_

_The nurse looked confused but began to explain anyway. "Logan Mitchell and James Diamond. I assumed that you were waiting for them."_

"_Is James. . ." Kendall was at a loss for words so he started all over again. "How are they?"_

"_Well, they both just came out of surgery a little while ago and it looks very promising. They're fighters your friends are." She smiled a little but grew serious as she listed off their injuries. "Logan was shot twice. Once in the foot and once in his shoulder. His foot is broken but shouldn't take too long to heal. As for his shoulder, a main artery was hit and he lost a good deal of blood but he should be fine now. His hands were badly damaged and might require skin grafting but only time will tell."_

_The group listened to the calm recitation, barely hearing the words as they tried to absorb the fact that James was really alive. But they gave the nurse their full attention when she started talking about James._

"_James was shot directly in the chest. The bullet missed his heart by inches and somehow every other organ that was in danger. He lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion but he's looking very good now. Both of them are out and will most likely remain unconscious until late tomorrow morning."_

"_But," Kendall found his voice once again. "They're going to be okay? Both of them?"_

_Nurse Roberts hesitated but smiled reassuringly. "Well, I can't give you any promises but right now the main concern is one of them developing an infection and as long as we keep an eye on them. . ."_

_Her words faded and Carlos felt slightly dizzy. An infection. He thought of the time Logan had developed an infection after his last surgery and dropped his head into his hands._

"_Carlos?" _

_Kendall's hand was on his shoulder and dimly, he could hear his friend repeating his name in a worried tone of voice. Summoning all of his strength, Carlos raised his head. "I'm fine." He said faintly when he saw everyone was looking at him in concern. "I was just thinking."_

_Kendall's eyes widened in understanding but he merely tightened his grip on Carlos' shoulder. "Can we see them?" He turned to Nurse Roberts who was obviously wondering if Carlos needed help too._

_To their relief, she nodded and smiled. "They're in separate rooms for the time being but if they recover nicely then we'll be able to join them. Who do you want to see first?"_

_Her question stopped them. Who did they want to see first? It didn't seem like a fair choice to make. They wanted to see both of their friends at the same time. It wasn't right for them to be separated at a time like this. _

"_Who's closer?" Katie piped up, making both boys jump. She had been so quiet for so long that they had forgotten that she was even there. Her question made sense though. At least it made the choice a little easier._

_That was how they found themselves in Logan's room first. It was truly awful seeing Logan back in a hospital bed. His face was pale and even though he was sound asleep, the pain he was in was clear. His shoulder was wrapped so that his whole right arm was at an odd, uncomfortable angle and his foot looked only a little better off. His hands were wrapped securely in gauze and as Carlos gazed at them, he wondered what happened to them and what they looked like underneath the bandages. He wondered what skin grafting was and wished that Logan would wake up so that he could ask him. He wanted to tell him that James was alive too. No one should ever have to think that their best friend was dead._

* * *

"Carlos?"

Carlos jolted out of his thoughts to look at Kendall. "I'm okay. I was just thinking about the other day." He gestured to James. "He doesn't look any different does he?" For some reason he had expected James to look better. But he was too silent and still just like the first time they had seen him.

Kendall shook his head. "But the doctors said that he's improving really well." He pointed out to offer some comfort.

"I know." Carlos sighed. "It's just that-" He cut himself off and grabbed Kendall's arm so hard that the older boy flinched and would have pulled away if he hadn't followed Carlos' gaze first.

James had woken up at some point during their brief conversation and was watching them silently. When they saw him, he swallowed hard and spoke. "What's the matter? Why aren't you with Logan? Is he okay?"

"James!" Carlos stopped his friend gently. "Relax okay?" He glanced at Kendall. "Logan is fine. I mean, he will be. But your parents came by and asked if we wanted to switch places for a little while today. We hadn't seen you since the day before yesterday so we agreed."

James still hadn't relaxed his tense posture. He stared at Kendall and Carlos, trying to read any lies in their faces before he finally slumped back into his pillows. "Can I see him yet?" Tears burned his eyes but he refused to let them fall and so his head soon began to ache from the effort.

Kendall's smile was full of false cheerfulness. "The doctors said that is you're both on your best behavior, you can be roommates tomorrow.

"Tomorrow?" James repeated, his heart sinking. "Why not today?" Tomorrow seemed so far away and could twenty four hours really make that much of a difference?

As soon as he thought that, James remembered the day Logan had died. Only the day before the doctor were optimistic about his recovery. And then he had died.

"James, are you okay?" Carlos sounded worried. "Do you need something?" Beside him, Kendall had stood, his finger poised over the call button.

"I need to see Logan." James said before he could stop himself. He knew that as much as they wanted to help him, Carlos and Kendall couldn't bring Logan to him. His chest ached from the effort of holding back the tears but James welcomed the physical pain because it distracted him from the pain of Logan's absence. "I'm sorry." He whispered when a stubborn tear forced its way passed the blockade.

"Don't be sorry, James." Kendall said softly. "None of this is your fault. You're allowed to cry."

But James refused to cry. He shook his head, wincing as the ache worsened from the movement. "I'm okay." He insisted, lying to everyone including himself. To his relief, Carlos and Kendall didn't push him any further. They knew that the only way James and Logan would really begin to heal was by by seeing each other. They had gone through a horrific ordeal together and that was the only way they would be okay again. Together. Kendall and Carlos could only help them so much before they became only a temporary fix for a wound that lay deeper than anyone could imagine.

* * *

Logan opened his eyes to see James' parents watching him with worn out expressions on their faces. Immediately, a sickening fear seized him and he struggled to sit up so that he could see them better. But instantly, James' father was very gently pressing him back down to the bed. Since he had about as much strength as a newborn baby, Logan had no choice but to lay back down. "What happened?" He asked.

"Nothing, dear." Mrs. Diamond started to take his hand then thought better of it and settled for his elbow, giving it a small squeeze. "I'm sorry, we didn't mean to frighten you like that. James is fine." Tears had filled her eyes when she saw how strongly Logan had reacted to seeing her and her husband. Last year had been a horrible time for the boys but it had brought them even closer together. It never failed to surprise her though, when she witnessed any of the boys' worry for another. She wondered if one day, their intense four way bond would cause a complete breakdown but she couldn't bring herself to caution her son after all they had been through together.

Logan had relaxed but only slightly and very reluctantly. His heart slowed down until it was beating at a normal rate once again and he sighed deeply. "How is he?" He asked.

Mr. Diamond sat down beside his wife and put an arm around his shoulder before he answered. "He's doing well." He told Logan. "He's as worried about as you as about him." He shook his head. "You boys," His voice sounded funny to Logan, like he was trying not to cry. But in all the years he had known him, Logan had never once seen Mr. Diamond cry so he had to be wrong. "You always worry about each other more than you do yourselves."

"He saved my life." Logan whispered. Tears blurred his eyesight and he started to shake with silent sobs that hurt his injured shoulder. The pain only made him cry harder until he could barely breath and he noticed that James' mother was on the verge of calling for a doctor. He forced himself to get his emotions in check and took a deep breath. "I'm okay." He insisted weakly.

"Logan," James' mother sank back down and reached for him again again. "Sweetie, James is fine now. You know that right?"

Logan wanted to nod but he couldn't. Instead he shrugged, forgetting again about his shoulder and bit his lip against the pain. "I think so." He replied quietly. "It's just. . . He saved my life and I thought he was dead." He noticed how James' parents both tensed up at his words and waited for him to go on. "James and I were in study hall together because he needed help studying for a test. Then I got up to sharpen my pencil and that was when. . . Andrew started shooting. I got shot in the foot and couldn't walk. So James carried me to a lock down room but Andrew got in somehow." Logan shook his head realizing that there were a bunch of details in between but he couldn't form the proper sentences to tell James' parents everything. His voice shook as he went on. "Andrew pointed the gun at _me_ but James. . . He knocked me over and he got shot instead." Logan looked up at James' parents. "He saved my life." He repeated.

James' father had started to cry halfway through Logan's story and the open emotion scared Logan. Sure, it was okay that James' mother was crying too because she had always been an emotional woman. But Mr. Diamond had always been stoic and strong. To see him break along with his wife was painful.

"I'm sorry." Logan whispered, wishing he could sink into nothingness. "I shouldn't have told you that. I didn't mean to. It just sort of came out and-".

"It's okay, Logan." Mr. Diamond cut in gently. "Don't be sorry." He rubbed a hand over his face and looked closely at Logan. "I wonder when life will give you boys some slack." He sighed and shook his head. "No one your age should have to deal with everything you've had to deal with. But," He added. "We're so proud of all of you for fighting together. I'm sure anyone else would have given up by now."

"Together is the only way we can fight." Logan replied. "I wouldn't have made it this far without them. And I definitely would have died if it hadn't been for James the other day." He swallowed around the lump in his throat. "That's why I need to see him." He whispered. He looked hopefully at James' parents. "Can I see him today?"

His hope was shot down quickly when James' mother and father shook their heads simultaneously. "Not today-" Mrs. Diamond began.

"Why?" Logan interrupted, feeling ungrateful as he did so.

"Because," Mr. Diamond said firmly but gently. "The two of you still need plenty of rest. The doctors told us that if you continue to recover like you are now, then they'll move you into James' room tomorrow." He sighed when he saw Logan brighten a little at the possibility. "So try to hang in there, okay?"

Logan nodded slowly and tried to smile. "Thanks for being here." He murmured shyly. "You didn't have to come. You should probably be with James."

"Kendall and Carlos are with James now. They needed some time alone with him too. Besides Logan," Mrs. Diamond told him. "You've always been like a second son to us. We love you and care about you too."

Logan had been told that numerous times by his friends' parents and he knew that they always meant it. But it still meant everything to hear and he leaned into the comforting embrace of a mother and father who weren't his by blood, but by bond. "Thank you." He whispered once again.

**A/N. The end of yet another angst filled chapter. I originally intended to have Logan and James reunited in this one but. . . well, you see how that worked out. Next one, I promise. Thank you for reading. Please review!**


	7. Reunion

**A/N. My iPod thought it would be fun to restore itself earlier today. This makes me sad. This chapter makes me sad too. I hope you all like it. I don't own anything which is another reason to be sad.**

Logan stared anxiously at the clock, willing it to go faster. But it didn't even seem to be moving at all and soon his head began to ache. He dropped his gaze and lifted a hand to rub his temple. The bandaged hand hit his head softly but the pain spread throughout his entire arm and he bit his lip to keep from crying out.

"What's wrong?"

He had forgotten about Carlos and Kendall who had been staring at him while he had been staring at the clock. A glance told Logan that both of them were concerned for his well-being and his sanity, both of which were on the decline. He sighed. "I just have a headache."

Kendall nodded to his hands. "What about your hands? Are they bothering you?" Before he could stop himself he went on. "Logan, what happened to your hands anyway?"

Immediately a curtain seemed to fall over Logan's face and he turned away from his friends. He returned his stare to the clock and abruptly changed the subject. "Do you think it's broken?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice steady. "The clock, I mean."

Carlos' expression was pained by Logan's evasiveness but he forced a small smile. "No, I'm pretty sure that it's in perfect working order. Don't worry, Logan. You'll see James soon. You guys get to be roomies!"

He spoke the words with such natural enthusiasm despite the horrible circumstances that Logan allowed himself a brief smile. But it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared and he turned to Kendall and Carlos, his expression haunted. "How bad is he? He whispered. "What is it like?"

His friends were silent for a moment as they thought of a way to answer Logan truthfully without upsetting him. They, along with James, had had the misfortune of being accustomed to seeing Logan weak and helpless in a hospital bed. It didn't make it any easier to see James in the same situation but at least they knew what to expect and they could deal with their emotions. Logan had never had to deal with that feeling of dread and stomach clenching fear that was almost second nature to the rest of them.

"He's in a lot of pain." Carlos finally said, deciding that honesty was the best policy, especially if Logan would see James for himself anyway. "He's really weak too and needs help for pretty much everything." He stopped when he noticed that Logan was no longer looking at him, but at his hands in his lap.

"But he's okay?" Logan had asked the same question several times a day and always received the same response. Still, it never failed to ease his fears just slightly and reassure him. He ignored the fact that he sounded like a broken record because it made him feel just a tiny bit better.

"Yes." Kendall said firmly. "I promise, Logan. He's looking better every day. Just like you." He exchanged a glance with Carlos. Logan and James were healing just fine physically. But the two were worried sick about each other and their friends wondered if they would ever be okay again as far as emotionally and mentally.

The door opened and Logan lifted his gaze to see a doctor greet them with a friendly smile. His answering smile felt strained and tight as he fought to be polite. "Can I see James now?" The words came out stiff like they were tired of the repetition they had endured.

"Hello,Logan." The doctor said with another smile. "I'm Doctor Marshall and I'm actually here to get you down to your friend." He glanced at the door as two nurses walked in with a wheelchair. "We have a bed waiting for you. Do you feel up to taking a ride in a wheelchair?"

Logan could have honestly walked on his broken foot if that's what it had to take but he refrained from telling the doctor that and nodded eagerly. "Yeah sure." He sat up with Kendall's and Carlos' help and slowly swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His body screamed in pain at the movements but he ignored it completely.

One of the nurses skillfully unfolded a wheelchair and brought it to the bed before she and her fellow worker left the room. Doctor Marshall stood looking from Logan to the wheelchair for some time before speaking. "Okay. How about you lean on one of us and someone else helps you into the chair." He frowned. "It's going to hurt any way we do this."

Kendall frowned too. "Logan, maybe we should wait until. . ." He trailed off at the glare Logan sent his way. If looks could kill he would have been dead five times over.

"It doesn't matter." Logan replied with a firm shake of his head. He let Carlos wrap his arm around his waist and swung his good arm over his friend's shoulder while a wary Kendall held the wheelchair steady. Doctor Marshall stood by ready to assist but the boys completed the maneuver with very little difficulty. Still, when he found himself in the chair, the pain was so bad that the room swam around in Logan's vision so badly that he had to shut his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

Carlos sounded so scared that Logan wondered if he looked as bad as he felt. He opened his eyes slowly and nodded carefully. "I'm okay."

Doctor Marshall stared at Logan skeptically. "Are you sure you're up for this, Logan?" He asked. "Perhaps we'd better wait until you feel stronger."

"No." Loan said stubbornly. He glanced down at his hands, wishing that his fingers would bend so that he could wheel himself out.

Carlos nudged Kendall and brushed aside the doctor in a way that only he could get away with. "Well we'd better get Logan over there before he decides to resort to desperate measures.

Desperate measures were exactly what Logan had been considering so he was relieved when Carlos spoke up. He smiled gratefully at Carlos who placed a hand gently on his uninjured shoulder, saying more with the gesture than he could have said in ten minutes of conversation.

Doctor Marshall sighed reluctantly. "All right. This is against my better judgment but go ahead and take him over."

Carlos, as impulsive and reckless as he usually was, took his good old time pushing the wheelchair down the long hallway. But Logan didn't complain because it took all of his strength to hide the pain that the slow motion caused and Kendall was in danger of running into something because he was practically walking sideways to look at Logan.

When they reached the closed door, Logan suddenly froze. "Wait." He whispered past the panic when Kendall touched the doorknob. "I don't. . . I don't know-"

"Logan, it's going to be okay." Kendall had dropped to his knees to look Logan right in the face. "Come on, Logan. You've been waiting for two days to see James and he wants to see you too. You didn't get in that wheelchair for nothing did you?"

Kendall was right as usual. Logan nodded and didn't protest when Kendall stood up and touched the doorknob for a second time.

The door swung open to reveal James fast asleep in his hospital bed. His chest rose and fell in s steady motion that comforted Logan. Mr. and Mrs. Diamond instantly stood up, kissed their son, and left the boys alone.

The room was quiet as Carlos pushed Logan over to the bed. He glanced at Kendall who nodded and then spoke softly to Logan. "We'll be back." That was all he said. It was all he needed to say. Both he and Kendall had no desire to leave their friends even for a second. But they also knew that James and Logan needed to be alone together for the first time after their horrible ordeal.

Logan couldn't speak around the lump in his throat so he nodded and watched them leave. Then he ran his gaze over James once again. No matter how many times he had been reassured that James was alive and breathing, it could not compare to seeing it for himself. He now had a better understanding of what his friends had gone through when he was sick and the mere thought of his friends suffering in such a horrible way made his stomach twist.

"I'm sorry." He had no idea what he was apologizing for but it felt absolutely necessary all the same. Logan let his head rest against the back of the chair. He was tired and everything hurt but he didn't want to fall asleep. It was a losing battle through and within five minutes he was fast asleep.

* * *

James woke up because the morphine had worn off and once again his chest was screaming in pain. He opened his eyes to let his parents know that he was in desperate need of help but they weren't there. His eyes widened when he saw who was in their place.

Logan sat slumped over in a wheelchair in an obviously uncomfortable position. He looked like a complete mess with his shoulder wrapped so that James doubted he could move his arm at all, his foot in a cast, and his hands. . . James' breath caught in his throat. Logan's hands were wrapped tightly in gauze, his fingers set so that they couldn't be bent. What had happened to them? His face was pale and even though he had probably been sleeping thanks to the morphine, there were dark circles under his eyes.

James hated himself for letting Logan get hurt yet again. There was no way that Logan should have been broken so badly. If James could have just protected him better than everything would have been fine. Or maybe if he had been smarter. He wouldn't have needed Logan to help him study and Logan never would have been in study hall with him when Andrew snapped.

Andrew. The name sent a shiver down James' spine. He had never been bullied in his life so maybe he couldn't really understand Andrew. But there were plenty of kids in the world who had to deal with the same problems that Andrew had to deal with. They dealt with it until they were out of the hell hole that high school is and then they moved on with their lives. Why couldn't Andrew do the same? Instead he had let Sean and his followers get to him and so many innocent people had paid the price.

James wondered how bad the shooting had been. His parents wouldn't tell him and he was afraid to ask Carlos or Kendall or one of the girls. He didn't want to upset them anymore than they already were. He didn't know what they had seen or heard but it couldn't have been easy. There had been a shooting at their school. Who would have ever thought?

Teenagers think they're invincible. James had witnessed his peers do some of the most moronic things ever. He had read countless accounts of stunts gone wrong or drunk driving accidents. They thought that they were untouchable and that all the freak accidents and tragedies happened to people they didn't know. Because you don't go through life as a teen thinking that you or your friends could have one drink too many, or that your silence in the face of seemingly harmless bullying to lead to dire consequences. It could never happen to you. But if and when it does, how do you move on?

James brought his full attention back on Logan who was still sleeping but looked so uncomfortable that James couldn't stand it any longer. Besides, he _had_ to see his friend awake and hear him talk. "Logie?"

Instantly, Logan's eyes snapped open and landed on James. He started to sit up but winced as his sore muscles protested and sat back down. But he didn't take his eyes off James for a second and when the throbbing in his shoulder had dulled he tried again, this time with more success.

Not for the first time, James wished that Logan was unharmed. But this time it was because he wanted to pull him into a hug just to make sure that he was all there. Unfortunately, neither of them were in position for an embrace. Which is why James was startled when Logan slid forward onto the edge of the bed, only wobbling slightly. He grabbed his friend's arm to steady him and suddenly found Logan sobbing hysterically into his shoulder. He panicked, searching for a way to comfort Logan that wouldn't hurt him any further. Tears burned his own eyes and spilled down his cheeks.

The sobs wracking his own body only made the pain worse but James didn't care. All of the held back emotions of the past three days came out in a rush. The last time he had cried so hard was the day Logan had told them that his cancer was gone. That day had been the best day in James' life but this day had to be right up there as well. Logan was alive.

Finally the pain was too much to stand and James had to regain control of his emotions. Logan seemed to realize the same thing and had settled into quiet sniffles. He still didn't move his head from James' shoulder and James wasn't about to ask him to move. He took a deep breath and let it out in a shuddering sigh. "Are you okay?" He asked softly.

Logan still couldn't speak and merely nodded his head, his nose rubbing roughly against James and the pillow underneath him. Then a thought suddenly occurred to him and he pulled away slightly. "Am I hurting you?"

James was sure that if he looked in a mirror, he wouldn't look too different from Logan. The brief but violent crying fit had left red rimmed and swollen eyes in its wake, clashing with the dark circles and the pale skin. He blinked and shook his head. "No. I'm fine."

Logan nodded. "Okay." He said in relief. Then he dropped his gaze and studied the sheets in the familiar fascination that meant he was shutting himself away. "I'm sorry."

"Logan," James stared at his friend. "Why are you apologizing?" He grabbed his friend's elbow to reclaim his attention. "Look at me." He said firmly and waited until Logan raised his head. "You cannot possibly think that any of this is your fault, Logan. You didn't do anything wrong and there was nothing-"

"You should have left me in study hall." Logan said miserably. A sob forced its way out of him and he gulped to steady himself. "If you had just left me then you could have gotten away and you would have been fine. You-"

"Logan, you're not serious are you?" James interrupted. Do you honestly think that I would have left you alone to die? After all we've been through together?" He shook his head. "I never would have been able to live with myself, Logan."

"But you almost died because of me." Logan whispered. "You saved my life."

James couldn't help but laugh in disbelief. "Yeah? Hey, guess what Logan. Remember when we were fourteen? You saved me from drowning. You got bit by a snake when I should have been. And then what about when you were sick and I was. . . suicidal?" James whispered the word but Logan flinched all the same. "What about all those times you picked me up when I fell, Logan? What about all those times I wanted to give up and you kept pushing me? You're my little brother, Logan. I would have never forgiven myself if I let something happen to you. I already hate myself for letting you get this hurt."

It was Logan's turn to look appalled. "You're kidding, right? James, I would have been dead without you. That bullet was meant for me. I should be dead."

James scoffed through his tears. "Yeah well, I really didn't want to have to deal with losing you for good this time. Especially if I could have prevented it."

"You did." Logan had calmed down and gave James a shaky smile. "You saved my life. Thank you, James."

James blushed faintly but shrugged. "I was just returning the favor." He said softly. "But you're welcome. And just so you know, I'd do it again in a second."

"I'd tell you not to bother but I know you'll only get mad at me. I don't want to fight right now." Logan sighed. "So I guess all I can say is that I hope you never have to put yourself in that position ever again."

"I wouldn't mind that." James said honestly. He copied Logan's sigh and then looked closely at his best friend. "So are you okay now?"

Logan started to shrug but stopped. "For now." He returned James' stare. "What about you?"

"I'm okay as long as you and Kendall and Carlos are okay." James told him.

Logan laughed dryly. "Gee, me too. I guess it comes from knowing you guys for so long. You really are my brothers."

James grinned. "Well, I never doubted that for a second. Although I have to admit that I'm jealous of Kendall. He's like, officially your brother."

"I don't need a bunch of legal papers to tell me who my family is." Logan dismissed James' jealousy. "All I need to do is look at the past fourteen years of my life and ask myself who has been standing with me no matter what. And even though I wonder what I did to deserve you guys, I'm always really grateful for you. You're all the best."

"So are you." James spoke around the lump in his throat. He laughed a little. "The four of us are just the best, aren't we?"

It was a relief to see Logan grin, the anxiety in his face easing. "I can't argue with you there." He sat up and clumsily shifted his position, the cheer suddenly disappearing from his face as quickly as any color.

"Logan?" James sat up, ignoring the sharp pain. "What is it?"

"I'm fine." Logan said through gritted teeth. "I just bumped my hand on the bed rail." He had his left hand cradled tightly to his chest.

James carefully took Logan's arm and drew it closer to him. "Logan," He said softly. "What happened?"

Logan cringed at the question. "To my hands?" He tried to buy time. But James nodded wordlessly and waited for him to go on so he sighed in resignation and spoke, trying to keep his voice steady. "It was. . . after you got shot. You were bleeding so much and I didn't know how I could help you. So I crawled over to the supply closet and. . ." Logan trailed off and fell silent. When James remained silent, he cleared his throat and went on. "It was locked and we couldn't find the key remember?" It was a small relief to see James break his frozen position and nod. "I was panicking and I guess I had a lot of adrenaline because I really shouldn't have been able to do it but. . . I dug my fingers under the door and pulled really hard. It hurt but all I could think of was getting the first aid kit and helping you." Logan shrugged, forgetting his injured shoulder.

"How bad is it?" James whispered. He had stopped looking at Logan and couldn't take his eyes off of the bandaged hands. "Logan, tell me honestly. Please."

"It's really nothing, James." Logan frowned at the stubborn look on James' face and gave in. "Well, I tore almost all of my skin off because the doors were metal and they were sharp at the bottom. I probably have to get skin grafting which basically consists of doctors taking layers of skin off somewhere like my leg or arm and putting in on top of the exposed tissue on my hands. Usually, it's a process done to burn victims but it can also be done to people who have suffered a lot of trauma and-" Logan stopped talking when he saw James' face.

James felt sick to his stomach as he listened to Logan's words. He acted like the whole thing was no big deal but James could see the apprehension all too clearly in his eyes. Logan was afraid. James had no idea what skin grafting felt like but it sounded incredibly painful and judging by the look on Logan's face, his assumption was correct. He swallowed back the nausea he felt at a sudden image and tried to speak. "Logan. . ."

"It's okay." Logan tried to smile. "I mean, it will be okay. I'm not looking forward to it but it'll really help."

"I wish-" James started.

"James." Logan stopped him. "Listen to me. You saved my life. Don't ever think that you could have done something else. My hands may be really messed up right now but I'm alive and it's all because of you."

"But. . ." James struggled for words. "Will you. . . Will your hands ever fully heal?" Horrible images of Logan without hands danced in front of his mind and he shook his head to chase them away.

"Oh yeah." Logan rushed to reassure him. "It almost always helps. My hands aren't even bad to most of the cases they get. Really, James. It'll be okay."

James nodded slowly. "Okay." He said quietly. He sighed and laid back onto his pillows. "As long as you'll be okay, Logan."

Logan looked relieved. "I will, James. I'll be okay as long as you are."

**A/N. OH MY GOODNESS I REALLY HOPE YOU LOVED THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE IT'S LIKE, SUPER IMPORTANT TO ME. SO PLEASE REVIEW IF YOU LIKED IT OR I MIGHT CRY. I LOVE YOU ALL!**


	8. A Turn For The Worse

**A/N. I wish I could drop out of school and just write fan fiction. Because it's something I can actually do right. I think. I don't know. I don't own anything except the angst in this chapter. I'm evil.**

Could you ever care for someone too much? So much that when their life was in danger, yours suffered as well? Logan had never been one to exaggerate or lie. He had dealt with too many years of empty words and broken promises from his father to force that kind of disappointment and hurt on anyone. But he had meant what he said when he told James that he would be fine as long as his friend was okay. Because just a day after the boys had been reunited for the first time in three days, James had taken a turn for the worse and in a way, so had Logan.

It started in the morning. Logan had been the first to notice the subtle change in James' demeanor. Despite the other boy's constant insistence that he felt fine, Logan sensed otherwise. He face looked paler than it had the day before and even though he still had morphine running through his system, he couldn't seem to get comfortable. Finally, James had admitted to feeling slightly off and his parents had immediately called a doctor in.

A brief examination revealed that James had an infection and consequently, a slight fever. Logan would never forget the haunted look that came into Kendall's and Carlos' eyes when they heard the doctor's words. He knew right away that they were thinking of the last time that one of their friends had an infection and a fever. Logan had died.

James had tried to assure everyone even though he was obviously in an incredible amount of pain. But his words were the only things that kept the panic at bay and when he grew steadily worse throughout the day, slipping in and out of consciousness, and finally into a coma that night, the calm was shattered.

Mr. and Mrs. Diamond had quickly become overwhelmed by the fear and worry that was brought on by their son's sudden decline. James' father, Robert, relieved some of the stress by constantly pacing back and forth around the hospital room while his wife, Michelle, simply sat and stared at the still figure on the bed, No parent should ever have to outlive their child and that as exactly what they found themselves facing.

Kendall and Carlos were literally relieving their worst nightmare. One day, everything had been okay, giving them hope. But the very next day, they were left clinging to whatever they had left. It had all happened so fast. They could only hope that the quick onset of each coma was the only similarity. As they watched one friend fighting for his life, they watched their other friend slowly losing his grip on the will to live.

Logan had sat by James' bed in his wheelchair, whispering in a broken voice, pleading for James to wake up. Every time his words were met with the awful silence, a part of him seemed to break. Then he had been forced back into his bed by the doctors where he promptly ceased speaking all together and simply stared blankly at the wall in front of him.

Kendall ran his hand through his hair, torn between his worry for two of his best friends. James was maybe dying and if he was, there was nothing he could do about it. But maybe there was a way he could still save Logan. He heard Carlos let out a shaky sigh and wrapped an arm around the younger boy's shoulder in an attempt to give him some comfort. He felt Carlos lean into the half embrace and wished that Logan would let them through so easily.

Carlos relaxed ever so slightly at the contact but he still didn't take his eyes off of Logan who seemed to be in a trance. Silently he begged James to hold on because he was certain that Logan would never recover emotionally from the traumatizing event on his own. He needed James to help him through it and they needed James anyway. They couldn't function when one of them was gone.

"Logan?" Kendall hesitated when Logan seemed to flinch away from the sound of his voice. But then he slowly reached out and touched Logan on the arm. "Hey," He said gently, trying to mask his fear. "Logan, listen to me. It's going to be all right."

But Logan pulled away so suddenly that Kendall let his hand fall back into his lap in shock. "You don't know that." Logan whispered. "Nobody knows what's going to happen."

"Exactly." Kendall said, his voice tinged in desperation. "Logan, we don't know what's going to happen. James is a fighter. He always has been. Who knows? Tomorrow, or maybe even later today, he could wake up and be absolutely fine."

"Or he could die." Logan whispered in despair.

Kendall wanted nothing more than to cry. Tears filled his eyes and some spilled over to run down his face. But he sniffed and tried again. "Logan, when. . . when you were sick you told us that we would be fine if you. . ." His voice caught slightly and he had to steady himself before going on. "My point is Logan, if we stick together then we'll be okay if. . . something happens to James."

"You mean if he dies?" Logan asked so bluntly that Carlos cringed. He finally turned to face his friends, a vague, empty expression in his eyes. "If James dies then it will be all my fault. If I wasn't so stupid and helpless then James never would have been in danger in the first place. You guys are stronger than me. If I died, then of course you guys would be okay. Eventually. But I'm not that strong. If James dies then. . ."

Carlos leaned forward in his chair, forcing Logan to look at him. "Logan, please." He said earnestly. "You have to hang on, okay? James wouldn't want you to feel this way. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself especially since it's not your fault. If your roles had been reversed, would you want James to blame himself for what happened to you?" He paused and let his words sink in. "If anyone is to blame, Logan, then it's all of us for letting the whole bullying thing go too far. When I mean all of us, I mean everyone. The whole school system, the students, the parents, everyone. Maybe if someone had spoken up sooner to one of the teachers or someone else. This whole thing might have never happened. But it did happen and it was out of our control."

Kendall jumped in when Carlos looked like he was on the edge of breaking down into tears. "No matter what you said or did, Logan, James would have still done everything in his power to save you and keep you safe. It was his choice and I know that he never regretted it for a second, and he never will. He'd do it again in a second. We all would. That's what our friendship is, Logan. You have to keep holding on at least for James' sake."

Logan knew that his friends were right. But he couldn't bring himself to speak. He knew that the second he opened his mouth, he would begin to cry. Tears wouldn't help James so he steeled himself against the desire to lose it completely and simply nodded his head.

Carlos bit his lip. Logan had seemed to at least partly accept their words. But he was still closed off to them. It was painfully ironic that Logan had constantly chastised them for closing themselves off when he was sick, while he was doing the same thing now that James was. . . Carlos didn't dare finish the sentence even in his head.

It wasn't unusual for the boys to have the same train of thought. Kendall looked like he was thinking the same thing and when he spoke, Carlos knew he was right. "Buddy," He said softly. "Remember when you were so sick and we kept struggling so much? It seemed like we were always falling apart because we were trying to be strong and not cry. But then we would always end up worse than ever. You were the one who was constantly reminding us that we needed to lean on each other and that we couldn't make it through on our own." Again he reached out to touch Logan's arm and he was relieved when he made no move to pull away. "Now it's your turn. It's. . . it's okay to cry, Logan. You can't be strong all the time."

Logan shut his eyes as Kendall gently threw his own words straight back at him. But he pressed his lips together in a tight line and slowly shook his head. In a way, he regretted always trying to break his friends down. Because now that he was in their position he realized that breaking was easier said than done. He felt sure that James' life depended on his own failing strength. He couldn't cry.

"Boys?" A weary looking Mrs. Knight poked her head. "It's time to go." She told them regretfully. "The doctors would like Logan to get as much sleep as possible tonight since he has his first procedure tomorrow in the early afternoon."

Logan's flinch was barely noticeable but Kendall caught it out of the corner of his eye and turned to face his mother. "Mom, can we please stay?" He looked from one friend to the other. James was still in perfect oblivion and Logan looked like he was going to lose whatever sanity he had left. How could the doctors expect them to leave when both of their friends needed them so much?

Mrs. Knight walked into the room and dropped her hand on Logan's good shoulder. "I'm afraid not, Kendall. The doctor had strict orders to-"

"There were a bunch of times last year we didn't listen to the doctor's orders." Kendall pointed out tiredly.

Across the room, James' parents remained silent as they took in the scene. They would have given anything to be arguing with their own son. Finally, Mr. Diamond spoke up. "Boys, we'll be here with both James and Logan tonight. We won't leave."

Kendall still had no desire to leave but he knew that there was no other option. He also knew that even with their own son so sick, the Diamonds would take good care of Logan too. So he nodded and stood up slowly, Carlos mimicking his actions. "We'll be out in a minute." He whispered to his mother.

Mrs. Knight nodded and bent down to kiss Logan on the forehead. She gazed worriedly at her adopted son but knew that there was nothing she could say to ease his fears. "We'll be back in the morning, Logan." She told him quietly and was relieved when she received a nod in response. She crossed the room and hugged James' mother and father and then left.

Kendall sighed. "Hang in there, Logan. We'll be back as soon as we can tomorrow, okay?"

Logan nodded again but this time he spoke so quietly that the boys could hardly hear him. "Okay. See ya."

Carlos wavered momentarily. He wanted to stay so badly. He looked pleadingly at Kendall in hopes that he would say something that would allow them to spend the night. He dropped his gaze though when he saw pain and regret in Kendall's eyes and he felt bad for expecting too much from his friend. "Bye, Logan." He said quietly. Tears filled his eyes as he stood awkwardly by the bed. He couldn't even hug Logan without hurting him.

Logan hated himself for making his friends worry more than they needed to. He braced himself and looked up at them, forcing a small smile. "Thanks, guys. Get some rest okay?"

Kendall and Carlos saw right through him of course but they didn't say anything. They walked over to James' bed, hugged his parents, and said goodbye to their other friends. Then, looking over their shoulders the entire time, they left the room.

As soon as Kendall and Carlos left, a nurse walked into the room. She silently looked over James, gave his parents a reassuring smile, then walked over to Logan. "It looks like you're due for another dose of morphine." She told him.

"Okay." Logan said listlessly. He turned away so that he didn't have to see the long needle in the nurse's hand. Though he had always wanted to be a doctor he had started to develop a strong dislike for being constantly poked and prodded.

The medicine took effect right away but it wasn't as strong as it was. Either the nurse had made a mistake or they were trying to ease him off the pain killers. Logan didn't care either way. He laid back down in his bed and shut his eyes. He didn't want to be a bother to James' parents who were for some reason concerned about him when their own son might be dying. So he pretended to be asleep. He must have been a better actor than he thought he was because soon he heard James' parents begin to talk in hushed tones.

"I don't understand." Michelle whispered, tears beginning to crowd her eyes and overflow. "He was doing so well the other day. The doctor said he was probably going to be fine. Why didn't they see this coming?"

Robert wrapped a comforting arm around his wife's shaking shoulders. "They said that the infection came on so suddenly. . ." He answered in a dazed, confused voice. "Apparently gun shot wounds can work like that."

"Well if they work that way then why weren't they more prepared?" Michelle leaned into her husband's embrace and began to sob. "They're supposed to be doctors for crying out loud! Why can't they do their jobs right?"

"They're doing everything they can." Robert said, sounding like he didn't believe it himself. His own eyes filled as he looked over his son. It was strange and frightening seeing James, who was normally so fiery and passionate about everything, so still and weak. Helpless. "Thank goodness Logan said something. If we had waited for one of the doctors to notice. . ." He trailed off and shuddered, pulling his wife close to him.

Logan felt himself losing the battle against his tears. When James' mother began to cry, each sob was like someone was driving nails into his heart with a hammer. He shook slightly but still managed to hold himself together. Then James' father spoke about him, his voice filled with such undeserved gratitude that it shook Logan's last reserve and he gave into the flood of tears. Once again he found himself crying so hard that he could barely breath. The motions undid whatever magic the morphine had worked and his injuries ached, making him cry all the more.

Then he heard a slight movement and two pairs of arms wrapped around him and held him. James' parents whispered soothingly to him and Loan only cried harder because they were with him instead of where they belonged. With James.

"I'm sorry." He finally managed to gasp out.

"Logan, listen to me." James' father said firmly. "You did nothing wrong. Like I just said, if it wasn't for you noticing that something was wrong, we could have lost him already. Now he has a chance."

James deserved more than a chance. He was a hero. He didn't deserve to be dying. Logan found more comfort in Mr. Diamond's words than anything else he had heard that day. So he let James' parents give him the comfort he so desperately needed. But it was only temporary. The only comfort that would stick with him was the knowledge that James would be okay. And no one could give him that.

**A/N. I told you I was evil. Should I ask for reviews or should I start running? I'll update ASAP I promise.**


	9. So Close And Yet So Far From Happiness

**A/N. Hello, faithful readers! You're all amazing did you know that? I'm sorry for not getting this chapter up earlier but I've been extremely busy lately. It's only going to get worse. Lol. Anyway, I won't leave you hanging any longer. Thanks for your patience! I don't own anything.**

"Well, his fever has broken. That's a very good sign." The doctor studied James' charts carefully and looked up to see the boy's parents watching him anxiously. "I wouldn't say that we're out of the woods just yet." He cautioned. "But things are finally looking up."

"Thank you." Mrs. Diamond breathed gratefully. She rested her head and her husband's shoulder and held tightly to James' hand with her own. It had been three very long days since James had first slipped into a coma and he had showed little change at all. They had all been worried sick about him, so hearing words that were remotely optimistic was like a breath of fresh air. She felt her husband's shoulders slump in relief and knew that they were thinking the same thing. James was going to be okay.

"Has he responded at all?" Doctor Rodgers tucked his clipboard under his arm and looked from his patient to the parents questioningly.

Michelle nodded eagerly, a smile gracing her pale features. "He's squeezed my hand several times and once he even nodded."

"Good!" The doctor smiled broadly. "That means he's more or less aware of what's going on at times. He can hear you too obviously. That's a very good sign."

Cheered by the doctor's optimism, Michelle turned to her son and spoke softly to him. "James? Sweetie, can you hear me?" She was silent and then she looked back at Doctor Rodgers. "He squeezed my hand again."

Doctor Rodgers leaned in closely. "James, it's Doctor Rodgers. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Both of James' parents held their breath. The doctor's request was one they had been longing to ask themselves but had been too afraid of denial. Robert felt his wife grab his hand and hold on tightly.

Almost instantly after Doctor Rodgers had spoken to him, James' brow furrowed in concentration and his eyelids fluttered open before shutting again. But he tried again, this time with more success. His brown eyes looked dazed and confused as they moved around the room before they finally came to rest on his parents.

"Thank you." Rob Diamond let out the breath he had been holding and tightened his grip on Michelle who had started to cry.

James' throat felt like there was a wedge of sandpaper shoved down it. His lips were dry and cracked too and it felt like such a relief when he ran his tongue over them before he swallowed painfully and tried to speak. "What-"

"Shhh." Michelle stroked his arm soothingly. "Don't try to talk right now, James. Take it easy." She blinked back more tears and smiled. "You had us all so worried." She knew that her stubborn son would keep trying to ask them what had happened so she saved him the effort of speaking and told him straight up. "You were in a coma, baby. For three days."

James' initial reaction was to protest being called a baby. He was almost nineteen years old after all. But then his mother's tears and words sunk in and he blinked in surprise. _Three days_?

His thoughts must have registered plainly on his face because then his father spoke up. "Yeah, three days. Your injury got an infection and you contracted a very high fever."

James frowned. The words sounded dimly familiar in an awful sort of way but he couldn't make sense of them. His mind was still fuzzy and he could barely concentrate on what everyone was saying. He simply nodded his head to his father's words and put all of his focus on Doctor Rodgers who apparently thought it was necessary to shine a bright pen light into his sore eyes.

"Sorry, James." The doctor apologized when James winced slightly. He smiled and dropped the small light into his pocket. "Well," He said turning back to Mr. and Mrs. Diamond. "Things are definitely looking up. I don't think he'll be awake for too much longer but as long as we keep a close eye on him he should be fine. I'm going to inform my staff on his changes. Someone will be by to check in on him in a little while."

"Thank you." Michelle whispered. Her eyes never strayed from her son though as she tossed the words of gratitude over her shoulder to the departing doctor. When she heard the door close, she spoke again to James. "How are you feeling, dear? Do you need anything?"

There was something he wanted to ask but James couldn't arrange his thoughts into words right away. Then he remembered and he turned to look at the other side of the room. His eyes widened in alarm. Logan's bed was empty.

"James!" Rob placed a firm hand on his son's shoulder and pressed him back down to the bed. "Don't sit up just yet. You need to take it easy." He followed James' panicked gaze and his voice softened. "Logan is fine, James."

"Where is he?" Finally, James had found his voice even though it sounded too scared and too weak to be him.

Mr. Diamond hesitated very slightly but despite James' hazy mind, he caught it right away and spoke again before his father could say anything.

"What's wrong? Where is he?" What if Logan had gotten an infection too? What if there was something they weren't telling him? Something terrible?

Michelle sighed. Once again, there seemed to be no point in trying to hide anything from James. She squeezed his hand, claiming his attention. "James, Logan had a skin graft surgery scheduled today. He's there now."

James relaxed slightly at her words but a wave of guilt washed over him as well. He should have been awake for Logan. Maybe he couldn't have gone with him but at least he could have given him some support. He thought of what Logan had told him about the surgery and shivered.

"Are you okay, James?" His mother looked worried again. But she soon read the expression on his face and relaxed a little bit. "He'll be fine, James. Especially when they come back and see that you're awake. They've been worried too."

James could only imagine how worried his friends were. He knew what it was like to be in the position they had been in the past few days. Kendall and Carlos had to deal with it all over again and for Logan it was an entirely new experience. For some reason, James felt mostly worried for Logan. His friend's emotional state had been edgy and fragile to begin with. He was proud of Kendall and Carlos for holding it together so well but Logan had already been blaming himself for everything that had happened. The recent events couldn't have helped at all. He wanted to see them all and let them know that he was okay.

"When will they be back?" _Please let it be soon_.

His mother shrugged and his father shook his head. "We don't know." Mr. Diamond said gently. "They left almost an hour ago so it shouldn't be too long now."

"Do you think something's wrong?" James couldn't help but ask.

"James, no." Mrs. Diamond reached out and ran her hand through his hair in a calming motion. "I'm sure everything is going smoothly. Kendall and Carlos went with him and when they all come back you can see each other. But for now, why don't you try and get some rest?"

James really did not want to rest. He wanted his friends. He wanted them all to be together again and not just split up. But he was tired and the sooner he went to sleep, the quicker time would pass so that he could see them again. So he nodded reluctantly and closed his eyes, drifting quickly off into sleep.

* * *

When James woke up again he heard three familiar voices that eased the fears that had resurfaced before he had dozed off. He couldn't make out what Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were saying but it was enough to hear them all together again. He sighed in relief and the voices instantly cut off.

"James!" Carlos' face appeared in his line of vision, a wide grin splitting his entire face. But then he looked torn between laughing and crying when tears sprung to his eyes and he eased himself down in the chair by James' bed. "We miss you, buddy." He whispered softly. "You sure had us worried."

Kendall had joined them, wearing a shaky smile. "I second what Carlos said." He tried to joke but his voice shook and ruined the effect. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Man, James, you don't know what a relief it was when we found out that you woke up."

James shook his head slightly in disagreement. "I do actually." He said quietly. It was all he needed to say and he regretted even saying that because Kendall's and Carlos' expressions became even more pained. He tried to smile to chase away their fears. "I'm okay now though, guys."

Carlos sniffed and nodded slowly. "We know." And then he wrapped James in a tight hug. Kendall joined in and only then did James remember that something, or rather someone, was missing.

Gently, he pulled away to look at his friends. "How's Logan?" This time is was his voice that was shaking. "Did everything go okay?"

Kendall and Carlos exchanged a look that made James' heart beat a little faster and then Kendall spoke up. "The surgery went well. . ." He began. His eyes had dropped to the bed sheets and he picked at them nervously. Only then did James realize that both he and Carlos were white faced and had red eyes like they had been crying. "Just so you know," He started again but James interrupted him.

"Logan?" His voice cracked with fear and he sat up to see to the other side of the room. To his relief he saw Logan back in bed where he belonged, at least until they were discharged, staring up at the ceiling. But the relief was short lived and came crashing down when Logan heard him and turned to see him.

"James!" Logan proclaimed in a voice that sounded only slightly like him. "Good to see you, man." He continued talking to the wall past James. His normally bright eyes dazed and unfocused. "Dude, you've been asleep forever. Like, three days. That's not cool. Pretty lazy if you ask me."

James' smile froze and faded all together. He tore his gaze away from Logan and nailed Kendall and Carlos with a wide eyed stare. "What is wrong with him?" He hissed in a whisper.

"Hey!" Logan called across the room. "No secrets over there." He raised his hands and James could see that though they were still both bandaged, his left hand was bandaged slightly differently, with more stuff wrapped around it. Logan laughed and waved his hands at his friends. "Look! I'm like Mickey Mouse 'cause of the way my hands are wrapped." He glanced over at them in confusion. "Hey, why do Mickey and all his friends wear those white gloves anyway? What's the deal with them?"

"Kendall? Carlos?" James' voice rose in agitation. Was it possible that Logan had been brain damaged somehow? Before he knew it, tears had filled his eyes and he looked back at his friends, begging for an answer.

"James-" Kendall started. Then he stopped and leaped across the room, grabbing Logan's arms and forcing them down to the sheets. "Logan, we told you that you can't let your hands touch anything." He said firmly. "You'll hurt yourself even more."

"Kendall, Kendall, Kendall." Logan scolded, his words slurring together. "Such a worry wart. Johnny Raincloud. Debby Downer. Stick in the mud. No fun. Party pooper." He nodded his head at James. "You should be yelling at Sleeping Beauty over there for sleeping for such a long time. Did you have nice dreams?"

The question had been meant for James but he was too much in shock to answer properly. Finally, Carlos leaned over and whispered to him.

"He's okay, James. He's just on a lot of pain meds right now."

"You mean he's high?" James asked in disbelief. He stared at Logan with wide eyes.

Logan had overheard his comment and nodded wisely like he knew exactly what they were talking about. "High as a kite, man." He said before launching into song. "Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest height! Let's go fly a kite, and send it soaring!"

Kendall looked like Logan's singing had finally unnerved him. He took a step backwards and let his hands fall to his sides as he watched Logan helplessly. Carlos gave a still shocked James a pat on the shoulder before he walked over to Logan and joined him in singing.

James could only stare. Logan. Logan Mitchell. The same kid who used to pass up Tylenol when they were in third grade because he was afraid of becoming addicted, was high. Not just a little high either. He was completely and totally out of it. It might have been hysterical is the situation weren't so horrible.

"Don't cry, James!" Logan had stopped in mid-verse and was watching James sorrowfully. "No use crying over spilled milk. Besides, you've had plenty of rest so you really should be in a better mood."

James didn't even realize that he had started crying again until he heard Logan talk to him in the sing-song voice of someone who was as high as he was. He brushed the tears away hurriedly, angry at himself for his show of weakness. But it was so hard to see Logan so vulnerable and childlike. He heard Kendall say something to Carlos and then he felt Kendall hug him.

"It's okay, James. He's fine." Kendall bit his lip, grateful that James had been spared the ordeal he and Carlos had gone through with Logan. Seeing Logan high was hard for sure, but it was a piece of cake compared to the horror they had witnessed just a short time ago. James didn't need to hear that though.

"How can you say that?" James demanded through his tears. "Look at him! Listen to him!"

Kendall glanced back at Logan and Carlos and sighed.

Logan was trying to put his wrapped fingers in his mouth while Carlos continually gripped him by the lower arm and pulled them away.

"Logan, don't do that, buddy." Carlos said wearily. In all honesty, he had been trying to humor Logan in his drug induced state. Some of it had been fun, like singing with him. Singing was always fun. But most of the time he had a horrible feeling that Logan brain damaged and forever helpless because he was constantly trying to do things like stick his fingers in his mouth or clap his hands together. He shook his head and echoed Kendall's sigh.

"How can you say he's fine?" James asked Kendall again. "He's a mess."

"Okay then, he _will_ be fine." Kendall said, the slightest note of irritation in his voice. The stress of the past week had been taking it's toll on him and he felt edgy and ready to snap. He took a deep breath and calmed himself for James' sake. "Listen," He finally said. "The procedure is really painful. Even with the anesthesia, Logan was. . . uncomfortable. Once we got back they gave him a pretty high dose of morphine. But it'll wear off and we'll have our Logan back."

Logan suddenly moaned and out of habit, both boys turned to look at him. Carlos simply shook his head and shrugged. "Everything's spinning around me." Logan muttered. "It's like we're on a carousel. Only a fast one. They should make fast carousels. I'm sure they would be a hit. And the music would get all fast and crazy. Do you think people would get sick on that? I think I'm getting sick."

Carlos quickly whipped out a plastic bucket and held it up to Logan who promptly vomited into it. The younger boy cringed slightly but it was more to do with the fact that Logan throwing up reminded him of last year, than anything else.

"Is that normal?" James hated being trapped in his bed where he could barely see Logan properly. He wanted to help.

Kendall nodded. "Yeah, apparently the combination of the anesthesia wearing off and the morphine is supposed to cause nauseous feelings." He was unspeakably grateful that Logan would have no memory of what he said or did while he was medicated. He already had enough issues with himself without adding to any unnecessary humiliation.

James groaned and let his head fall back into the pillows. Tears burned the backs of his eyes. "Why does all of this stuff happen to him? To us?"

"Maybe because we can handle it." Kendall suggested quietly. He glanced at Carlos who had already exchanged the plastic bucket for a clean one and had given Logan a cup of ice chips to suck on. He smiled. "See, Carlos? Look at how good he's doing right now." He could help but be proud of Carlos, who was supposed to be the baby of their group, stay so calm under pressure.

"I know. . . it's just." James sighed. "When are we going to get a break? I'm so tired of all of this crap. It's not fair."

"Life isn't fair." Logan called from his bed. He looked at Carlos for approval. "Right, dude?"

Carlos grinned in spite of himself. "Right, Logan."

Logan grinned triumphantly at James and Kendall. "See? Carlitos knows what he's talking about. So just, everyone take a chill pill and relax."

"Great. Let's all take chill pills like Logan's and get high." James said bitterly. He ignored the warning look he got from both Kendall and Carlos. "We can start the sixties all over again and write more songs about some chick named Lucy in the sky with diamonds."

"Did you know?" Logan raised a gloved hand in the air. He yawned before continuing. "That the Beatles-"

"Yes." James, Kendall and Carlos said simultaneously. "LSD."

"So." Logan continued like he hadn't been interrupted in the first place. "As awesome as the Beatles were, we shouldn't take too many lessons from them." He shook his head. "Those were bad times, man. Bad times."

James stopped arguing mainly because he felt terrible for fighting with Logan when he was so out of it. But he also stopped because all he could think of was how they were living in some bad times themselves and all he wanted was a sense of normalcy. He had no idea if that would ever come to grace their lives again.

"Hakuna matata." Logan said out of the blue. "Stop worrying so much, James. I bet that's why they call people who worry a lot, worry warts. Because warts are contagious and so is worrying. But man, James, you gotta relax a little bit. Put your past behind you. We'll get by with a little help from our friends."

Logan _would_ say something that made sense while he was high. Because everything they had faced was now in their past. And while they couldn't forget about all they had been through, they also needed to move on. Whatever was ahead of them, it was all they had. And they would face the future like they had faced everything in the past. Together.

**A/N. So yeah. I made Logan high. I'm not going to lie, it was fun. But now I'm sad because James is out of a coma and Logan really has no idea what's going on. There's always the next chapter! Please review!**


	10. Reliving The Nightmare

**A/N, This story is like skipping through a field of daisies compared to 'Three'. I've always tried to write just one story at a time so that it gets all of my attention. However, 'Three' kills me every time I update it so I need to compensate. Besides, I miss Logan. So, I don't own anything.**

Pain. It was the first thing Logan was aware of when he woke up. His foot and his shoulder throbbed daily but they both paled in comparison to the agony that was shooting through his hands so much that both of his arms felt almost numb. Instinctively, he drew his left hand, the one that hurt the most, to his chest. But his fingers brushed against his chest and the pain reached a new level. He groaned softly and shut his eyes waiting for the world to stop spinning around.

"Logan?"

Logan's eyes shot open and completely forgetting everything else, he sat up far too quickly. Instantly he was overwhelmed by the pain the suddenly gripped his entire body. He doubled over, trying not refrain from passing out. He felt sick to his stomach and his eyes filled with tears. He felt a hand on his back and then Kendall was talking to him

"Logan? Are you okay? Do you need something?" Kendall stared helplessly at Logan who couldn't even speak. His eyes darted to James and Carlos, frozen on the other side of the room, and then refocused his attention on Logan. "Just breath, Logan." He advised since Logan seemed to be struggling to do even that. When he still didn't get a response he looked up. "Carlos, call a doctor."

"No." Logan finally gasped out. He uncurled and took several deep breaths until the fog in his head began to clear. "Wait. I'm okay."

Kendall nearly choked on a laugh. "You're kidding, right?" He shook his head at Logan and then turned to Carlos and nodded.

Carlos stood up quickly and slapped the call button with a shaking hand. "James, don't move." He ordered James who was on the verge of climbing out of his own bed. The older boy shot him a pleading look but Carlos shook his head firmly.

_James_. Logan looked up, his mouth falling open slightly. James was sitting up in bed, his body tense, staring at Logan. Before Logan could say anything though, the door opened and a nurse breezed in.

"Can I help someone?" She asked with a friendly smile. Her gaze landed on Logan and her eyes became full of understanding. She looked at his charts and then spoke again. "It looks like you're due for another shot of morphine. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Thank you." Kendall called after her gratefully, since Logan seemed robbed of speech. "How ya doing, bud?" He asked softly.

"James?" Logan whispered, tears filling his eyes.

"I'm right here, Logan." James answered him. His jaw clenched tightly together as he watched Logan struggle.

The nurse reentered the room and with quick, efficient motions, stuck a needle through Logan's IV. "There you go, sweetie. That should help a little with the pain." She looked around the room. "Does anybody else need anything?"

"Can I go over there?" James begged. "Please. I can sit in a wheelchair. I just. . ." He trailed off, unable to translate his feelings into words.

Once again though, the nurse seemed to sense the problem and after careful consideration, she nodded. "Okay, but only for a little while. We don't want you to exert yourself."

Despite his earlier reservations, Carlos was quick to unfold the wheelchair and bring it to the side of James' bed. With the assistance of the nurse and Kendall, he helped James into the chair and wheeled it over to Logan's bed.

James totally ignored the pain in his own body and drew Logan into a careful hug. For the second time that week, Logan collapsed into him, shaking with long held back sobs. "It's okay, Logan." He felt Kendall and Carlos tentatively join the hug and he smiled despite the grief that shook him. He had missed all of his friends together.

"It's not okay." Logan shook his head, pulling away. "You almost died. Again."

James would never forget the look in Logan's eyes. The morphine had taken away most of his physical pain but he was still an emotional wreck. He searched his brain for something to say, wondering why it had always come so easy to Logan when he was the one comforting them. "I'm sorry, Logan." In the back of his mind, he found it amusing that he was apologizing for something he couldn't help, just like Logan would.

"It's not your fault." Logan muttered, looking down.

James _hated_ the role reversal that had taken place in the last week. He was selfish for hating it too. He was stupid for wishing that Logan could be the strong one once again. "I know." He said quietly. "But I'm still sorry. I. . . I know how it feels."

Logan flinched at his words. "I guess you do." He said regretfully. "But you guys are all stronger than me. You could handle it if-"

"Don't even go there." Kendall interrupted. "I can't stand the thought of losing any of you and there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for the fact that you're all still here, especially after all we've been through."

"We love you, Logan." Carlos said shakily. "Can't you see that? You're our brother and we care about you. You know that, right?"

Logan nodded and swallowed against the lump that had been building in his throat. "I do." He said, his voice cracking slightly. "And believe me, I feel the same way about you guys. That's why it's so hard when one of you is hurting or. . . or dying. It feels like a part of me-"

"It feels like a part of you is dying too, right?" James finished. "We know, Logan." He took a deep breath. "But we're all here now and even though we're pretty messed up, we still have each other. And we have the rest of our friends and families too. We'll be okay."

At last Logan smiled. It was small and shaky but the sight of it allowed the other boys to breath a sigh of relief. He leaned forward for another hug, resting his head on James' shoulder while Kendall and Carlos crowded in again. When they drew away from another, Logan lay back down, his eyelids suddenly feeling heavy and the morphine took full effect. "When?" He whispered, closing his eyes.

"When what?" Kendall asked in confusion.

Logan opened his eyes, relieved to find James still there. "When did you wake up?"

"When you were in for your surgery." James told him, shooting a quick glance at both Carlos and Kendall. He frowned when both of them avoided eye contact and Logan shut his eyes again as if to ward of the memory. He bit his lip, questioning his wisdom in mentioning the surgery to Logan.

"Okay." Logan sighed. "I'm glad you're back, James. We were worried." His voice had started to slow down and his words had begun to trip over one another as he drifted off to sleep. "Don't do that again, k?"

James sighed. "I'll do my best, Logan."

Logan pried open his eyes and gave James a half-glare. "If you start feeling bad again don't wait until you're practically on your death bed like last time. The doctors can't help you if you're not completely honest with them."

At Logan's sleepy admonishment, James smiled. But he took Logan's words to heart too. "I promise, Logan."

"Good." Logan looked satisfied.

"Get some rest, okay? It's pretty hard to fight off the morphine."

"You get some rest." Logan shot back with a pathetic mumble. "You need your rest even more than I do. I'm not the one who. . ." He trailed off and yawned. "You shouldn't even be out of bed."

James rolled his eyes. "Go to sleep, Logan. I'm headed in the same direction."

"You better be." Logan looked up at Kendall and Carlos who were watching the whole exchange with some amusement. "Make sure he gets rest." He ordered, fighting back another yawn.

"Don't worry." Carlos told him. "You can count on us." He laughed softly when his words fell on deaf ears because Logan had already fallen asleep. Then he stood up. "Okay, Kendall. Time to out James to bed."

Kendall snorted and stood up as well. His heart felt lighter than it had all week. Logan and James finally seemed to be on the road to recovery, not just physically, but emotionally as well.

* * *

Later that afternoon, James and Logan had woken up once more to find Kendall and Carlos in the same place by their beds. The four fell into an easy conversation about the Minnesota Wild. It was clearly an evasion by all of them to avoid talking about the inevitable but everyone was happy with it.

Just as Kendall and Carlos were in a heated debate about the statistics from the last game, there was a knock in the door and immediately, silence fell over the room.

"Come in." Kendall finally called, shifting slightly closer to Logan while Carlos did the same with James.

The door opened and two uniformed policemen removed their caps before strolling into the room. One was short and stocky, his graying hair giving him the appearance of someone in their mid-fifties. His companion was much younger, probably not even thirty, and was long and lean.

"Boys, I'm Chief Carl Edwards and this is Officer Noah Hendricks. We're from the LAPD, the Los Angeles Police Department, and we'd like to to ask James and Logan a couple of questions if they're feeling up to it. Kendall and Carlos, I believe you've already been questioned, correct?"

Kendall and Carlos nodded wordlessly, their gazes shifting anxiously from their two best friends, to the policemen in front of them. They had been questioned together, the day after the shooting but James and Logan had never been well enough. Kendall doubted they were prepared even now. "It can't wait at all?" He asked, hopefully. "Yesterday was kind of a hard day for both of them and-"

"I'm okay, Kendall." Logan said quietly. "Might as well get it over with, right?" He glanced at James questioningly but the other boy nodded, apparently eager to get the ordeal with as well.

"This won't take long." Chief Edwards told them, pulling up a chair. He looked at Kendall and Carlos and opened his mouth to speak to them but Carlos beat him to it.

"We're not leaving." He said with uncharacteristic stubbornness in his voice. Carlos was always hardheaded about his opinions but it was unlike him to stand up to an adult in a slightly disrespectful way.

Chief Edwards sighed and rubbed his face wearily with both hands. "Boys, I can't force you to leave." He told them. "But I am going to warn you that sitting in on this conversation won't be easy. I just want you to be prepared that some of the things you are going to hear may upset you greatly."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "I think we can handle it." He said dryly. In truth, he knew that they couldn't handle it. They had already been through so much together, what was a little chat with the police? Besides, they would have had to drag him and Carlos kicking and screaming out of the hospital if they really wanted them to leave.

"Relax." Logan muttered to Kendall when he noticed that his friend's fierce protective side was rising to the surface.

"Okay then." Chief Edwards slapped his knees with his hands and pulled out a notepad and pencil. His silent companion mimicked his actions. "James, how about we start with you?" He waited until the boy nodded. "Did you see Andrew before the shooting?"

James blinked at the bluntness of the question then struggled to come up with an answer. "Um, yeah. On the bus. Some of the jocks were bullying him. They threw his books on the bus floor and then tripped him." A dull panic awakened and throbbed in his chest as he began relieving that awful day.

"Do you remember specifically who was bullying Andrew?"

"Sean Williams." James said softly. He didn't miss the look the two men shared at the mention of the name. What had happened to Sean anyway?

"Had that ever happened before?" The chief scribbled something down on his pad of paper before looking back up at James.

James nodded. "All the time." He whispered. "We should have said something, right? Maybe we could have stopped it. I just. . . never thought that it would happen to us. I thought it was something we would only read about. Bullying happens all the time. I guess. . . I don't know what I was thinking."

His only response was a hum and a nod from the police chief. Then another question. "Did you notice anything strange about Andrew that day?"

_Andrew. Does he have to say his name every time? _James cringed. "Not really. He never tried to fight back. He did look more upset than usual and I remember thinking that his backpack looked really heavy. But that's all."

"Logan, do you have anything to add?"

Logan jumped at the sudden change in direction the interview had taken but shook his head readily. "No. Nothing."

"So let's move on then." The man said abruptly. He gestured to the young officer seated by his side. "I'm going to let Officer Hendricks take over from here."

At his superior officer's words, Officer Hendricks leaned forward slightly in his chair and spoke for the first time. His voice was quiet and comforting in comparison to the older man's booming voice that demanded attention. "Did either of you see Andrew before the shooting aside from the bus ride?" Despite the nature of his question, both boys remained completely calm and shook their heads in denial. "Where were you when it began?"

James cleared his throat. "We were both in study hall." He began shakily. "Logan had another class but he skipped it to help me study for a test I had later that day."

"What happened?" Officer Hendricks asked gently, aware that the answer wouldn't come easily.

"Logan was on the other side of the room. . . He. . . He needed to sharpen a pencil. Then, Sean dumped Andrew's backpack out and. . . and then Andrew pulled out a gun and. . . started shooting." He could practically hear the first gunshots go off all over again.

Logan suddenly spoke up. "The first shot hit Sean." He said, staring blankly at the wall. "Then Andrew shot twice more, randomly. One of the bullets hit me in the foot." He broke his frozen stare to nod at his injured foot. I went down and. . . I couldn't walk. Then James found me and he carried me to a lock down room. Everyone was running around so much and panicking that I didn't see what happened to Andrew after that."

"You mean you weren't keeping a look out for him?" The chief suddenly spoke again, disbelief coloring his tone. "He could have shot you both dead."

"James, did you see what happened to Andrew after you found Logan?" Officer Hendricks smoothly ignored the chief and continued talking like he wasn't even there. Kendall relaxed his tense posture.

"No." James said quietly. "All I could think of was getting out of there with Logan. I didn't think that Andrew could have shot us. I guess I should have-"

"It's hard to think clearly in that sort of situation." Officer Hendricks brushed James' words away with a wave of the hand. "We're not here to talk about what could have happened. We're here to talk about what did happen."

Kendall ducked his head to hide the smirk that darted across his face. Chief Edwards looked like he had just swallowed a lemon. Officer Hendricks though was completely disregarding his superior's disapproval though, focusing all of his attention on James and Logan.

Carlos choked on a laugh and tried to cover it by clearing his throat. "Sorry." He mumbled. "Tickle. . . in my throat."

James started talking again and all amusement disappeared. "We made it to a room and locked the door. After that not much happened at first. Logan's foot was hurt pretty badly but there wasn't anything we could really do. I tried to get a first aid kit out of the closet but the door was locked and the key wasn't in the teacher's desk. And then-"

"Then Andrew came in." Logan took over the story when he saw James losing his nerve. His own voice shook but he pressed on in determination. The first four words proved to be the easiest though because he fell silent, trying to put into words what happened next. "He unlocked the door somehow. . . I don't know. Because it was locked but he got in anyway."

Kendall and Carlos had only heard bits and pieces of their best friends' ordeal and now, as hey sat listening to it in each sickening detail, they felt utterly helpless. James was staring at his hands in his lap and Logan had suddenly stopped hesitating and was talking in a steady monotone that made them think of a robot.

"He started talking to us, like taunting and yelling at us. He said that we didn't do anything _to_ him but we also didn't do anything_ for_ him. You know, to stop it. He was right. We should have done something. Anything. But we didn't. Nobody did. So then he started talking about which one of us he was going to shoot first. He pointed the gun at me and pulled the trigger but. . ." Logan's rambling cut off abruptly and he closed his eyes, tears beginning to stream down his face. His body shook yet again with sobs and instantly Kendall's arms were around him in a firm but gentle embrace.

"I knocked Logan out of the way." James said, picking up where Logan had left off. He stared at Kendall and Logan, unable to cry himself because he was emotionally worn out. He felt Carlos' hand on his shoulder and turned back to the policemen. The chief looked somewhat annoyed and impatient at Logan's outburst but Officer Hendricks stood up and handed to box of tissues from the nightstand to Kendall.

"Take your time." He said softly to the boys.

Logan slowly drew away from Kendall and started talking again, his voice shaking violently. "I'm sorry." He sniffed, looking apologetically at the kind officer and avoiding eye contact with the cold chief.

"Don't be sorry, Logan." Hendricks said so gently that the tears nearly started again. "It's not easy to relive something like what you went through."

Logan nodded gratefully, the officer's kindness seeming to give him strength. "He s-shot James and then he tried to shoot me. But I tackled h-him and we fell down together. That's when I got shot the second time." He glanced at James carefully then continued. "The gun went off and hit me in the shoulder. And t-hen. . ."

Chief Edwards leaned forward in his chair, peering at Logan with such an intense stare that the boy trailed off, intimidated by the look. "And then?" The man pressed, impatient once again.

Officer Hendricks sighed, his patience wearing thin as well, but not with Logan. "Chief, with all due respect, the kid is talking about how he and his best friend were held hostage and shot. Now, that's never happened to me but I'm guessing it's not like telling your class about what you did on summer vacation. Give him a break."

The chief frowned but didn't reply and dropped his gaze to his notepad, appearing to study what he had written down.

"The gun. . ." Logan began in a faltering voice. "The gun fell and landed closer to me. I grabbed it and. . . Andrew said I wouldn't but I did."

"What did you do?" The chief asked eagerly.

This time, Logan didn't waver. He stared straight at the chief and answered him right away. "I shot him."

**A/N. This wasn't going to end like that but then I realized that it would actually be perfect so yeah. Haha. All right! I'm done skipping through daisies! On to 'Three'! Please review!**


	11. Always There

**A/N. Warning: The angst in this gets extreme once again and it also might make those who get queasy easily get. . . well, queasy. I apologize. I still don't own anything.**

James laid in his hospital bed later that night and stared at the ceiling, replaying the day's events in his head. So much had happened that it made his head hurt thinking about it but there was no way he could go to sleep at the moment even with morphine running through his blood stream. Kendall and Carlos had been dragged away for the night and he had convinced his parents to stay at the hotel and get some sleep. He regretted that decision now because he felt lonely and across the room, Logan was rendered senseless by his higher dose of pain medication.

But James was glad that everyone was getting rest, especially Logan. He winced when he remembered hearing Logan hiss softly in pain that morning. Without thinking he had called out to his friend not expecting him to sit up so fast that it caused him even more pain. He saw then, just how much Logan was hurting when he doubled over, unable to even talk. And even when the nurse had come and given him a new shot of morphine, Logan had fought against the tidal wave of weariness to make sure that it really was James.

He could at least relate to Logan better now. He knew what it felt like to wake up, not having a clue what was going on, to find out that everyone around you had practically made themselves sick with worry over you. The guilt was completely uncalled for but it was there all the same. James regretted the fact that he had scared everyone so much. It was the last thing they needed after all that had already happened.

James sighed softly. He and Logan had both fallen asleep and when they woke up, they, along with Kendall and Carlos, had discussed hockey as if they were trying to force themselves back into a normal lifestyle. It had gone all right until the police walked in, throwing normal right out the window.

The chief had been a cold hearted, unfeeling jerk. He had been impatient with both James and Logan while they told their side of the story, acting like they shouldn't have had a problem with relieving their near death experiences. But the kind hearted Officer Hendricks had made up for his chief's lack in sensitivity and had even come to their defense when it got particularly hard. He had given James reason to believe that there was still hope for the human race. He had also been the one person to keep Kendall from flying at Chief Edward's throat, lashing out in anger. James respected him for that because it was hard to keep Kendall under control even when you knew him for fourteen years.

"_I shot the sheriff, but I swear it was in self-defense."_

James felt sick to his stomach. Logan had shot Andrew. Sure, it had been far from fatal but Logan had actual shot a person. He didn't regret it either. James would never forget the way Logan had explained calmly how he had shot Andrew right in the knee, crippling him, and how him falling backwards and hitting his head hard enough to lose consciousness had just been luck on their part.

He always knew that the four of them were close and would do anything in their powers to keep another safe. Kendall was over protective, sometimes forgetting that his friends didn't always need his help. James was fiery and passionate about everything which was all well and good until one of his friends was threatened. But Logan and Carlos were the little brothers, still protected by not only Kendall and James, but by their innocence.

Then again, they had all grown up way more than was normal in the past year. Carlos had matured by leaps and bounds and Logan became more careful to shield his friends as much as possible, probably because when he had been sick, they had all had their moments of intense weakness. But James still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Logan had actually shot someone to protect him.

Suddenly, the lone dark spots of the corners of his mind had been illuminated by the last detail. He had wondered what happened after he got shot. He had been in so much pain that all he could remember was Logan leaning over him, panic-stricken with tears streaming down his pale face. But everything else had been blurred by noises and flashed of movements.

There had always been the part of him that wondered how he and Logan had survived. But he had assumed, without question, that the police had come soon after he had been shot and stopped Andrew before he could do any more harm. He never thought for a second that Logan had been the one to stop enraged gunman.

A small part of him was proud of Logan. Though James himself would have never hesitated to do the same thing if the roles had been reversed, Logan always used his words to make a bad situation better. He was a pacifist, somehow who picked spiders up and set them back outside rather than just squash them on the kitchen floor.

Most of James was terrified for Logan though. Officer Hendricks had assured them that Logan's actions were in self-defense and that he was actually a hero for bringing down Andrew. But Chief Edwards had said something about how it would hold up in court. Rationally, he knew that Hendricks was right. But it was the chief's words that replayed themselves over and over in James' brain, keeping him from going to sleep. Visions of Logan, still bandaged, dressed in one of those awful orange jumpsuits, danced in front of him. What if Logan went to jail for shooting Andrew?

He was being stupid. He knew that. Logan had stopped Andrew from doing more harm than he had already done and he had done it without taking a life himself. If it had been James with the gun in his hands, he wasn't so sure if he would have had so much self control. Maybe that was what kept James up until 2:30 in the morning when he finally drifted off into an uneasy slumber.

* * *

He woke again the next morning to the sound of voices. Opening his eyes, he took in the sight of three doctors standing over Logan's bed. He sat up in alarm but quickly relaxed when he saw that Logan was alert and talking back to the doctors.

Something was wrong though. Logan looked tense and pale as he nodded to acknowledge something one of the doctor's was saying. His hands lay limply in his lap but James sensed that if they could, his fingers would have been twitching nervously.

"What's wrong?"

At the sound of his voice, all four heads turned to look at him. James knew that something was wrong then because Logan immediately pasted a shaky smile on his face. "Hey, James." The tremble in his voice was nearly inaudible but it was there all the same. "How're you feeling?"

"What's wrong?" James repeated, ignoring Logan's attempt to distract him.

Thankfully, one of the doctors spoke up, glancing at Logan as he did so. "Logan is scheduled to go in for his second skin grafting in just a few minutes. But no one had showed up to go with him. We called both of your families and it seems they're stuck in traffic. An accident on the freeway apparently."

James thought of the tortured look in Kendall's and Carlos' eyes whenever they mentioned the surgery. He didn't know what had happened but it must have been awful. Still. . .

Logan saw James deep in thought and bit his lower lip. "I'm ready." He said, surprising the doctors who he had been begging earlier to wait just a little longer for his friends to show up. He knew what James was thinking but he also knew that it wasn't possible. James needed rest.

"Okay, then." The head doctor said in relief. He nodded at the other two who quickly loaded Logan in a wheelchair and before he could say anything else to James, Logan found himself being pushed quickly down the hallway.

His chest tightened in fear and tears burned his eyes. A second hand grafting was the last thing on Earth he wanted. The pain, despite the anesthesia, had been unbearable the last time. He had never experienced such a horrible sensation and the thought of having to go through it yet again made him shake.

They were in the Burn Unit now and Logan heard a scream of pain from one of the rooms. He shrank back into his chair and shut his eyes, praying for it to be over quickly. He heard a door open and close and he opened his eyes so that he could be loaded on the small operating table.

The surface of the table was cold like everything else. Logan shivered and lay helplessly as he waited for what he knew what was coming. He knew that Kendall and Carlos had been horrified by what had happened to his hands and what needed to be done to fix them. But he couldn't help but wish that they were there with him once again. He was all alone.

And then he wasn't. Through his haze of fear Logan sensed someone by his side and he turned to see who it was. His jaw dropped and he temporarily forgot about what was coming. "James?"

It was James' turn to fake a smile because he was shaking so badly that everyone probably thought he was freezing. It _was_ cold in the Burn Unit, something that James found to be ironic in a horrible way. But the temperature of the room wasn't what had him shaking.

Logan looked so small and vulnerable laying on the operating table. All James could think of was the countless number of times Logan had looked similar when he was sick. He shuddered as he was suddenly overwhelmed by the memories and had to steady himself before he could answer Logan. "I'm right here, Logan."

"Why?"

James could see that Logan hadn't meant to hurt him with the question. He was honestly wondering why he was there. "I wasn't going to let you deal with this alone, Logan." He answered. "You need someone."

"But. . ." Logan looked frightened for him. "Should you be out of your bed?"

James smirked then. "I got the doctor's permission, thanks very much. But even if I didn't it wouldn't matter. I'd find a way to get here. Because there's no way you're going to be alone right now."

Instead of protesting or thanking him, Logan sighed tiredly, closed his eyes, and turned away. "Don't look." He warned faintly, his face losing what little color it had left.

James was confused by Logan's words. Then he caught a movement across the table and without thinking, he glanced up. Then he understood.

The doctors had carefully unwrapped the bandages from Logan's right hand and threw them away. All James could think of was a bird's claw because Logan's hand was red and claw-like from the complete lack of skin. All James could see was tissue and bone and his stomach churned violently. He dropped his head to the table, keeping one hand on Logan's shoulder the whole time.

He felt Logan flinch and start to shake as the doctors started the procedure and wished more than anything that there was something he could do. A lone tear fell from his burning eyes and rolled down his face onto the cold table underneath his face.

Then he heard Logan cry in pain and he felt like someone had punched him in the stomach because the sound took his breath away. He tensed and tried to shut out the doctors' words as they attempted to assure Logan that it wouldn't take much longer.

Suddenly he felt Logan relax under his grip and he wondered if the medication had finally taken it effect for real that time. But then he heard the doctors speak up again.

"He finally pass out?" The first voice was deep and masculine but it had a sense of relief and pity to it.

"Yeah. Best thing that could happen. Poor kid." The answering voice was feminine and no less kind.

James glanced up at Logan. His face was pale and streaked with tears. His eyes were shut and he was breathing fairly regularly, though maybe just a little fast as if he was still agitated. "Is he okay?" He heard himself ask.

A doctor glanced at him from behind his face mask and nodded. "He's better off unconscious but we couldn't give him too much medication because of the lack of severity of his injury. Most skin graft patients pass out. It's for the best."

James left his head fall back to the table with a dull thud, ignoring the pain it caused. He remembered the agonized looks on Kendall's and Carlos' faces and understood their pain. He wondered what it was like for Logan to feel the pain physically and he wondered if it could possibly be any worse than what he felt right then.

**A/N. Ahem. First of all, I promise that Logan is okay. Like, he's not dying. So don't kill me. Second, I am engaged to closetbtrfan22. We are getting married on October 8th and serving fish sticks. Now, you should go read 'Big Time Disaster' by my Fan Fiction Fiance because it's wonderful and epic and amazing. Yeah. Okay, I'm done. **


	12. Ice Cream

**A/N. This chapter is dedicated to two people. AbbyMasrai for giving me the idea in the first place and always inspiring me with her gorgeous story, 'If Today Was Your Last Day'. And to One Man Writing Games for approving my angsty twist of the idea and becoming engaged to my evil writing mind. I love you both.**

"Man, Logan." James sighed impatiently. "I don't know how you stayed in the hospital for so long. I feel like I'm about to go crazy if we don't get out of here soon."

Logan laughed quietly. "Everyone will be here any minute now." He said, pointing to the clock on the wall. "Think you can hang on for a little longer?"

"Doubtful." James grinned and was about to say something else when the door opened and his parents, followed by Kendall, Carlos, Mrs. Knight and Katie walked in. "Finally!" He exclaimed enthusiastically. "What took you guys so long?" Then his smiles vanished when he saw what they had with them. "Are you serious?"

Even Logan couldn't mask the dismay that came into his eyes when he saw Carlos gripping a wheelchair. "I guess it makes sense." He said, trying to sound like he was fine with the arrangement. His foot had been healing nicely and soon he would be able to use a walking boot but for the meantime he was better safe than sorry. As for James, he was getting stronger every day but his parents weren't about to let him walk under his own power just yet.

James bit his lip and felt guilty for having such a poor attitude. He really should have expected it. "Okay, then." He said goodnaturedly. "Whatever it takes, right Logan?" He sat up and allowed his dad and Kendall to help him into the chair. It felt strange and uncomfortable. He shifted his position a few times and then gave up and watched as Kendall crossed the room to help Carlos with Logan.

By now Logan had become pathetically good at getting from his bed to the wheelchair. It was easier since his foot and shoulder were healing, but his hands still stuck out awkwardly and Carlos and Kendall took great pains to make sure they weren't even slightly bumped. When he was finally in position, Logan breathed a sigh of relief. "Let's go home." He pleaded.

That was all the encouragement anyone needed and soon they were outside. James took a deep breath of fresh air. The California sun never felt so good before. He glanced over at Logan who had his eyes closed, enjoying the day as much as he was. His fingers tightened slightly on the armrests of his chair and James' thoughts went back to the previous year.

He _hated_ thinking about when Logan had been sick. He hated remembering how they had almost lost him. He hated himself for whining about being stuck in the hospital for two and a half weeks when Logan had often spent most of his time there getting treated or checked out. He looked down at his hands, gripping the handles so tightly that the knuckles were turning white. He hated himself for complaining when Logan was still in so much pain.

"James?"

They had stopped by the curb and James felt his father's hand on his shoulder. "I'm fine." He said, blushing when he realized that everyone was staring at him. "I'm just glad to be outside again." He faked a smile that he knew they all saw past, but thankfully, they let him go.

_You're being such a baby. _James scolded himself as the group crossed the parking lot. _Look at how well Logan is taking all of this! He's been a lot worse off than you have and he's not falling apart. Pull yourself together!_

Getting into the van was harder than James originally thought. His body was still sore and protested at the height of the step in the van. In the end, Kendall practically lifted him up and placed him in a seat. As he went back for Logan, James couldn't help but think how horrible it was that both Kendall and Carlos and himself for that matter, were so good at handling the whole invalid and handicap thing. They shouldn't have to be used to it when they were only nineteen.

"James? What's up?"

At the moment, James was just grateful that everyone had been thoughtful enough to put Logan right next to him because he couldn't stand the thought of being even slightly separated from his best friend. He was so horribly messed up and he knew it. In the back of his mind, James wondered how he and Logan would sleep that night without the aid of painkillers to lull them off into a nightmare free sleep. He knew that the nightmares were coming and that scared him.

In the meantime however, Logan was waiting for a reply. "I was just thinking," He said quietly, knowing that Logan was far too stubborn to let him off easily. "About going home and getting on with our lives. I'm not sure how we're supposed to do it, you know? Everything is so. . . so different now."

"It's different for a lot of people, James. Not just us." Logan looked down at his hands. "We were fortunate too. We're alive."

_Barely._ James thought bitterly. They had been held hostage and both of them had narrowly escaped death. But Logan was right. They were alive and soon they would be home. Nine people had been killed and their families' lives had been changed forever. He and Logan and everyone else who had experienced the shooting may face nightmares every night, but at least they could wake up to a new day with hope. What was it like for those who couldn't do the same? James didn't even know who died.

The van pulled out of the hospital parking lot and James breathed a sigh of relief as he watched the building fade into the distance. He wouldn't miss the place. The quiet in the van was uncomfortable though and he wished he could think of something to say. The fifteen minute ride seemed much longer when even Carlos was silent, deep in his own thoughts.

As much as he wanted the car ride to be over, when they pulled into Palm Woods, James was suddenly filled with apprehension. A wave of sympathy for Logan in the past washed over him. He now really understood what it meant to have everyone feeling sorry for you but avoiding you at the same time. It was all too easy to see the quick glances people shot over their shoulders and then the way they suddenly became very busy. But not everyone.

Camille, Julie, Stephanie, and Jo were waiting for them in the lobby. When they approached, Camille got up and slowly walked over to Logan. She kissed him softly and then took the wheelchair from Carlos. She stood behind the chair and Logan looked up at her and they kissed again before she began steering him to the elevator.

"Happy to be home?" Julie asked him before she kissed him. She stepped back and studied him for a few seconds. "You look much better already." At his questioning face she smiled. "I think that once the doctors can't help you anymore, the best place is home."

"You would know." James laughed. "You have been volunteering at the hospital for what, three years now?"

Julie tapped him gently on the nose. "Four years." She told him before she took her place behind his wheelchair and followed Logan and Camille. Everyone else trailed behind them, giving the boys and their girlfriends some time alone.

Apartment 2J never looked so good to James. He insisted on transferring himself from the wheelchair to the couch without assistance. The simple task wasn't as simple as he assumed it would but he managed without too much trouble.

One Logan was settled on the couch with James, Kendall, and Carlos, the girls said their goodbyes, allowing them to get more settled in before they stayed longer. The adults reluctantly left the boys and Katie followed after making sure that James and Logan were comfortable and warning Kendall and Carlos to be careful with them.

"She's gonna make a good mommy someday, Kendall." Logan's teasing words were muffled with his face pressed against James' shoulder. He felt exhausted from their short trip but fought back the sleepiness to lift his head and smile at Kendall.

"Well I hope that's a long way off, Logie." Kendall said with a laugh. He gently messed with Logan's hair before standing up. "Anyone hungry?" He asked. "I think we have ice cream." As he spoke, he walked over to the kitchen and pulled out some bowls from the cupboard.

"I want ice cream!" Carlos exclaimed. Despite his eagerness, he stood up carefully and went to go help Kendall. "You guys want vanilla, chocolate, or fudge brownie?"

"Chocolate." Logan and James said simultaneously. "Do you even have to ask?" James added with a grin. "You know that me and Logan are chocoholics."

"Well, fudge brownie has even more chocolate in it." Kendall pointed out. But as he spoke he filled two of the bowls with chocolate ice cream, his own bowl with vanilla, and took the fudge brownie from Carlos before he could overdose. Then he and Carlos returned to the couch and sat back down. "I think there's a hockey game on." Kendall flipped through the channels before he found a recap of the Stanley Cup playoffs and the boys settled back into normalcy.

It lasted for about thirty seconds before James, Carlos, and Kendall all noticed that something was wrong with Logan. "I can't eat it." He said, turning bright red with humiliation. His bandaged fingers struggled uselessly for a grip on the spoon but he could only lift it a couple inches before it clattered back to the bowl. His hands were beginning to throb with the effort and finally he shoved it away. "Sorry." He muttered.

"Logan," Kendall felt like the worst friend in the world but he had thought that ice cream would be a harmless treat for them after all they had to deal with at the hospital. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought that. . ." His own appetite vanished as he stared at Logan. "You could have said something." He managed weakly.

Logan shrugged. "The doctors told me I have to start using my hands again to perform basic tasks. I can't think of anything more basic than eating, can you?" he tried to joke but the humor fell flat. "Don't worry about it, Kendall. It's not your fault." Seeing how upset Kendall was he resumed his attempts at picking up the spoon but had no better success. "At the hospital they had these spoons covered in foam and that made them easier to grip." He said finally with a frustrated sigh.

James brightened at that. "We can get you something like that, Logan. It can't be too hard to make something like that."

"In the meantime," Carlos set aside his empty dish and picked up Logan's. He grinned and held a spoonful in front of Logan. "Open up, Logie and let the choo-choo train chug right through."

"The choo-choo train?" Logan repeated in disbelief. "Carlos, you cannot be serious. If you think you're feeding me than-" But his was cut of mid-sentence when the spoon was unceremoniously shoved in his mouth. Automatically he swallowed and then fixed Carlos with an amused glare. "Really, Carlos?"

"Aw, lighten up, Logan." Carlos laughed at the indignant look on his friend's face but his voice softened. "Every growing boy needs his ice cream." He said with a straight face.

At that, Logan bit his lip to keep from laughing but when Carlos leaned in closer and ended up dropping the bowl on the floor he couldn't help it. He only laughed harder when Carlos bent to pick up the upset bowl and only succeeded in falling off the couch beside the mess. "Only you, Carlos." He said fondly when he could catch his breath.

Carlos hopped up and bowed. "Happy I could be your source of entertainment." He said with a wide grin. It had been far to long since he had seen Logan laugh.

"Carlos!" Kendall ducked his head, laughing. "You're dripping ice cream all over me!"

Carlos glanced at the bowl in his left hand. It was upside down and dripping it's remnants all over Kendall. "Oops!" He quickly righted the bowl and grinned apologetically. "Sorry, Kendall. Anyway, Logan I have a better idea."

"Is it safe?" James asked skeptically.

Carlos looked insulted for about two seconds and then hesitated. "Well, now that you mention it. . ." He glanced at Kendall who was still wiping ice cream from his hair. "Kendall, maybe you should. I don't think me using a blender is a good idea."

"A blender?" Logan repeated.

Carlos turned his attention back to Logan. "Yeah." He said with another huge grin, obviously proud of himself. "I. . . I mean, Kendall, can make us milkshakes."

**A/N. So yeah. Can you tell I needed to take a break from the angst? Sorry if it sucked. I liked it and I hope you do too. Please review!**


	13. Bad Day

**A/N. So I've had Writer's Block for this story for a long time and I still kind of do but I'm ignoring it and writing this chapter anyway. I hope it doesn't suck. I don't own anything.**

"Logan, what are you doing up?" James paused on his way back to his bedroom from the bathroom. He glanced at the clock on the wall. "It's almost 3:00 in the morning, are you okay?" He walked slowly over to the couch and sat down next to Logan.

Logan was quiet for a full minute before he answered James. "I had another nightmare." He whispered. His voice shook slightly and he shifted closer to James, wincing as his injured hands brushed against the couch.

James brought his arm around Logan's shoulders, being careful not to hurt the one that was still healing. "I'm sorry, buddy." He sighed. "I wish there was something I could do for you but I'm kind of with you on the whole nightmare thing. That's why I woke up in the first place a little while ago." He glanced at Logan. "I didn't see you when I first came out through."

Logan gestured limply with one hand. "I was in the kitchen trying to get a glass of water." He told James in a defeated tone. "It didn't go well but at least I didn't break anything."

Immediately James withdrew his arm from around Logan and stood up, slowly so he didn't catch his friend off guard. "Are you thirsty? You should have said something, Logan. I'll be right back." He walked quickly over to the sink and filled a clean glass with the tap water and then made his way back to Logan, looking hesitant as he did. "How do you want to do this?" He asked.

Even in the darkness of the room, he could see Logan frown. "I hate being so helpless." He sat up and extended both of his hands to James who carefully set the glass in between them. He didn't remove his own hands though because Logan's hold was still weak and shaky. "Thanks." Logan sighed when he was done.

James set the glass on the coffee table in front of them and tried to give Logan an encouraging smile. "You're doing better." He pointed out. "And your shoulder is almost all better and you don't need a wheelchair anymore."

His friend nodded. "Yeah. There's that. I hate wheelchairs."

"Me too." James agreed.

"I just wish I could do things by myself." Logan glared at the offending glass on the table. "You guys practically have to spoon feed me and I. . . I can't even shower or get dressed by myself." He said in humiliation.

"You just have to be patient, Logan." James wished he could think of something to say that would make Logan feel better. They had been home for three weeks and his self-esteem was at an all-time low. "We don't mind helping you."

"I know." Logan sighed again. "You guys have all been great. But I just wish I wasn't helpless all the time. I'm getting sick of it." Both of them are quiet and then Logan spoke up again. "I'm sorry. I hate whining."

James rolled his eyes. "Logan, you have a right to be unhappy. So much crap has happened to you in the past few years that it's unbelievable. I would have thrown a temper tantrum long ago."

"At least I'm not sick anymore." Logan said finally. "I mean, this sucks right now but I know it's going to get better eventually."

Once again, James wraps his arm around Logan and pulls him closer. "Yeah." It was the only thing he could say because to that day, any mention of Logan's cancer still scared him to death. Not a day went by when he didn't think of how grateful he was to have his friend back, even if he was a little broken.

Logan could feel himself getting sleepy but he tried to fight it for fear of slipping back into another nightmare. He yawned and gave his head a slight shake. "I have great friends." He murmured sleepily. He couldn't think of anything else to say but he was desperate to stay awake.

James smiled. "Me too."

"I'm really glad Kendall and Carlos weren't hurt." It was risky bringing up the subject of the shooting but Logan didn't care so long as they kept talking.

James didn't really want to talk about that day and he wanted Logan to go back to sleep. He couldn't think of anything else to say anyway. "Me too." He repeats. Then he sighed and asked Logan the question that he had been thinking of since they had returned home. "Do you know when the trial will be?"

Logan never expected James to ask that question. He flinched and shrugged. "Honestly, I have no idea. I don't know what's taking so long." He fell silent and when he spoke again, his voice was so low that James had to lean in closer to hear him. "Maybe they're waiting for his leg to heal."

"Oh." James felt bad for reminding Logan what happened with Andrew. He didn't like to think about the fact that he had actually shot someone, mostly because his nightmares often featured him shooting one of his friends by accident. James' nightmares consisted of Andrew pulling Carlos and Kendall into the room as well and then shooting his friends one by one. He couldn't remember the last time he had gotten more than four hours of sleep a night.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?" Logan was losing his battle with sleep. He rested his head on James' shoulder and shut his eyes, trying to relax. Maybe if he was calm when he drifted off, he would be okay.

"It's supposed to be nice out." James told him. "We could go sit out by the pool with the girls."

Logan yawned again, his jaw cracking painfully. "Sounds good." He agreed.

They were quiet and because neither of them said anything to the other, James and Logan fell into an uneasy sleep together, their lone comfort being that they knew everyone they loved was safe and sound. But they could only be sure of that fact when they were awake. When they were asleep they were at their most vulnerable and nightmares often waited to attack.

When James woke up he was confused. He hadn't been in the middle of a nightmare and when he glanced at the clock to see that it was only 5:30, he knew that it wasn't time to get up. He hadn't even heard anything. Then he glanced at Logan and understood.

His friend was trembling violently, almost like someone was shaking him. When James reached out to touch him, Logan jerked away so quickly that he nearly fell off of the couch. "I'm sorry." He whispered, tears falling from his closed eyes. "I didn't mean to."

James sat up and shook his friend gently. "Logan, wake up, buddy."

But Logan didn't stir. "No, please." He whispered to his unforeseen assailant. "Stop. Don't hurt them."

James tried shaking him gently one more time but Logan showed no sign of responding so he took hold of him firmly. "Logan, wake up" He said, not even bothering to whisper. "You're dreaming."

At last Logan's eyes snapped open and his gaze darted wildly around the room before settling on James. "James?" He whispered, his voice trembling.

James sighed in relief. "It's okay, Logan." He murmured, pulling Logan into a hug. "It was just a nightmare."

Logan shivered. "Just a nightmare." He repeated. "He shot you. He shot you all." His voice was still just a whisper but there was a note of hysteria in the softly spoken words. "It was my fault because I shot him again and he was mad."

A sound came from the hallway and suddenly both Kendall and Carlos were there. "Everything okay?" Kendall asked, his voice thick with sleep but still full of concern. His gaze swept over his two friends and quickly appraised the situation. He sat down on the other side of Logan and rubbed his back gently. "It's okay, Logie." He whispered quietly.

Carlos stood helplessly for a moment unsure of what to do or say. He hated seeing his friends so frightened. It was obvious that this time it was Logan who had suffered from the nightmare but James hadn't been sleeping well lately either and even now, his hazel eyes were darkened by a nameless fear. James. He and Kendall were both comforting Logan so Carlos sat down next to James and leaned in closer to him, offering what little comfort he could.

With all three of his friends obviously safe and sound, Logan relaxed slightly. "I'm sorry I woke you." He said softly.

Carlos reached over James to Logan. "It's okay, buddy."

"If it's not you, then it's usually me anyway." James reminded him, bringing smiles to all of their faces. It wasn't funny at all but it was true. He smothered a yawn, unwilling to go back to sleep. "Let's watch a movie." He suggested.

Logan laughed a little. "At 5:30 in the morning?"

James shrugged. "Sure, why not? We're all awake."

Carlos pried himself away from the sudden grip James had on him and walked over to the TV. "Did you have a specific movie in mind?" He asked James. When he only got a stare in return, he grinned. "Okay then." He laughed as he slipped _Miracle_ in and then rejoined his friends on the couch.

As the film started and scenes leading up to the famous year of 1980 flashed across the screen, James felt Logan relax even more with the distraction. He was happy for his friend but even though there were watching his favorite movie, he couldn't concentrate. He wondered if they would ever be okay again.

* * *

Logan shut the bathroom door quietly behind him and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He tried to ignore how awful he looked with his pale, tired face and humongous dark circles from lack of sleep. Instead he concentrated all of his effort on dressing himself. He was sick and tired of having to ask for help with everything he did. He knew that his friends didn't mind helping him at all and he was grateful for them. But something had to change.

He had settled for a pair of sweatpants and they were easier then he thought they would be. But when it came time to change shirts it was like he hit a wall and couldn't go any further. Despite the fact that it was healing quicker than any of his other injuries, his shoulder still ached when he tried to lift his arm too high. His finger could hardly bend enough so that he could grip the soft material and he dropped the shirt repeatedly.

With a frustrated sigh, Logan glared at the offending T-shirt that lay on the floor once again. Tears came to his eyes and a lump filled his throat. He was tired and even more irritable than he should have been. He needed sleep. He needed help too.

"James?" He felt horrible for asking James of all people for help because James was still recovering from his bullet wound and he lacked his usual energy and strength. But Kendall and Carlos had gone down to the lobby to find the girls and ask them about a lunch date so it was just James and Logan.

The door opened and James poked his head in, wearing that look of concern that made Logan want to scream. He quickly assessed the situation and picked up Logan's shirt. Carefully and skillfully he raised Logan's injured arm and slid it into the sleeve and did the same with the other.

Logan winced as pain shot up through his arm but at least when James helped him, his hands didn't have to hurt. "Thanks." He muttered, blushing furiously in humiliation.

James' worried gaze softened. "Just give it time, Logan."

But Logan was exhausted and hurting and scared and frustrated. "It's been three weeks since we got home and I can barely do anything." He exclaimed angrily. "I'm tired of being babied and I'm tired of having nightmares all the time and I don't want to think about going back to school or the trial coming up." He saw James flinch at his angry words and bit his lip. "And I'm tired of hurting people because I feel like that's all I do lately."

One of the drawers beneath the sink was slightly open. He brushed his comb from the counter back into the drawer and using his knee, slammed it shut. But one of his hands had been hanging right over it and got caught in between the pieces of wood.

He couldn't even speak past the pain. He dropped to his knees, feeling sick to his stomach. Through a haze, he heard James speaking to him but he couldn't make sense of the words much less respond to his friend.

James was practically frantic. "Logan, what should I do?" He pleaded, desperate for some sort of response from his friend. He joined Logan on the floor and placed his hand on his back. "Should I call someone?"

At that Logan shook his head. He wasn't sure if James meant Kendall and Carlos or an ambulance. Neither option would help. "I'm okay." He gasped out. James took his arm and opened the drawer again and held the hand gently.

"What if you broke something?" James asked worriedly.

Logan shook his head again. "Nothing's broken." He said through gritted teeth. He flexed his fingers slowly to show James and managed a tight smile. "See?" The pain was slowly lessening and he let out a breath. "I guess that's what I get for having a temper tantrum."

James couldn't help rolling his eyes. "Logan, that was the most pathetic temper tantrum I've ever seen. You deserve to kick and scream."

Logan laughed bitterly. "Yeah but it makes everything hurt even more." He stood up slowly, James hanging on to his elbow. "I'm-"

James clapped a hand over his mouth, looking at him sternly. "Don't apologize. You don't have to and I don't want to hear it." His voice softened again. "Come on. Let's go get breakfast."

Kendall and Carlos opened the door as soon as James and Logan walked into the kitchen. Because they both seemed to have acquired psychic skills since the shooting, they immediately knew that something was wrong. "What happened?" Kendall demanded quietly.

Before James could say anything, Logan held up his hand. "I shut it in the bathroom drawer." He told them. "It's fine though. Nothing's broken."

"Are you sure?" Carlos asked anxiously. He crossed the room and held up Logan's hand for inspection. But his action was useless because he knew nothing about broken bones. That was Logan's job.

"Yeah." Logan muttered, pulling his hand free and dropping his gaze to the floor.

James shot both Kendall and Carlos a meaningful look and shook his head, hoping they would leave Logan alone for the time being. He sighed in relief when they nodded in understanding and sat down at the table. His chest had started to ache from his own injury but he pushed it aside for the time being. "What's for breakfast, guys?" He asked, brightly.

Kendall directed Logan to his own chair, sidestepping his friend's heavy walking boot and joined Carlos by the cabinets. "Pancakes?" He inquired. "Scrambled eggs?"

"Can I just have some toast?" Logan wished he could prop his head up with his hands and instead, rested his head on his arms. He could feel the disapproving stares from all three of his friends and sighed. "I guess I've have some eggs too."

Kendall nodded in satisfaction and he and Carlos set about making breakfast. Soon they were all seated around the kitchen table, ready to dig into scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast.

Logan had an unsteady grip on his fork that was wrapped in a thick piece of foam so he could get a better hold. As he set it down, his elbow knocked the glass of orange juice over and sent it falling to the floor, shattering everywhere. "Shoot." He said, feeling like throwing the rest of his breakfast on the floor too.

"It's okay, Logan." James cautioned before his friend got too upset. He bent carefully to the floor and started picking up the pieces along with Kendall and Carlos. He glanced up at Logan who had laid his head on his arms again and sighed. A sharp pain in his finger surprised him and he glanced back down to see that he had cut it on the glass. "Ouch." He said before he could stop himself

Logan's head flew up and he turned to look down. "Did you cut yourself?" He asked James even though he knew the answer. He wanted to go back to bed and pretend the day never happened. But nightmares were waiting for him so he stood up and motioned for James to get up. "Come on." He said wearily. "I can't help you but I can tell Carlos what to do. Kendall, use the dustpan for the rest of that. Then run the vacuum cleaner over the area just in case. Put your shoes on just in case."

Carlos followed James and Logan to the bathroom quietly and listened to Logan's instructions. He carefully probed the small cut for any remaining glass and then hesitantly dabbed at it with a cotton ball dipped in a disinfectant, apologizing when James winced at the stinging. Then he placed a band-aid over the cut and forced a small smile. "All right." He told James. "You're good to go."

"I cleaned everything up." Kendall said when they returned. "How are you guys?" His face looked a little pale and Carlos gave him a small shove. "I was a great doctor, wasn't I, Logan?"

Logan couldn't help but smile. "Yeah. You were perfect." He agreed.

James shuddered dramatically. "How about how brave I was for allowing Carlos to perform such a risky surgery on me?"

Logan laughed at that. "Well, I obviously couldn't do anything." He said regrettably. "And Kendall is a little weak stomached when it comes to blood so it had to be Carlos. Way to step up, man." He told Carlos.

Carlos grinned again. "You ready to head down to the pool?" He asked his friends, hoping to pick up Logan's spirits even more.

But Logan's smile faded. "I don't know." He said slowly. "Nothing's gone right today."

"Well," Kendall chose his words carefully. "We can stay up here if you want, Logan. But it's a beautiful day outside. We'll just sit, okay?"

"You guys can go." Logan offered, still reluctant to leave.

James shook his head. "No way." He said firmly. "We're not leaving you alone."

"We don't mind staying up here if you want, Logan." Carlos chimed in.

Logan sighed and shook his head. "No. It's okay. Let's go."

"Do you want your-" Kendall started and stopped at Logan's glare. "Okay, no wheelchair." He muttered to himself. "Come on, guys."

Against his better judgment, Logan followed his friends out of their apartment and down the hall. He wasn't surprised when the elevator was out of order. "I guess we'll take the stairs then." He said, questioning one last time if he should just turn around and go back to the apartment.

He moved slowly in his walking boot, hating that his friends were slowed down by him. But no one said a thing and they made their way silently to the stairs. Logan was surprised that nothing had gone wrong already. But of course, his luck didn't last.

As he stepped off the first step, his wide walking boot caught on a small tear in the carpeted step. Logan stumbled and caught himself at first. But his balance didn't last long and he felt himself falling down the stairs with no way to stop his descent.

**A/N. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TAKE A BREAK FROM ANGST I SWEAR. Gosh. Do you all hate me? Because I'm not too happy with myself right now. Review?**


	14. Coming Undone

**A/N. Cliffhangers are fun! Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot they're only fun for writers and not readers. Whoops. Well, here is C14 so you don't have to wait too long. I don't own anything.**

Logan instinctively put his arms out in front of him to break his fall. He heard a shout and felt a hand brush his shirt as someone tried to grab him. But he kept falling and all he could do was brace himself for what he knew was coming.

The impact. Even though he was prepared for pain, he could have never imagined the agony that went shooting through his whole body the instant his hands slammed violently into the stairs. He didn't have time to cry out though because he just kept falling down the stairs, tumbling head over heels, in a way that would have been funny under different circumstances. At last he came to a stop at the foot of the stairs and instantly curled into a ball, not even trying to stop the flood of tears that came.

"Logan!" Kendall was the first to reach him and dropped down on his knees beside his fallen friend. He was frantic. He didn't know what to do. Logan was crying so hard, each sob jerking his battered and bruised body with an unrelenting force. Kendall didn't even know if Logan was aware of anything but pain. He placed a hand on the shaking back. "Logan, can you talk to me?" He pleaded, desperately.

"Kendall." Logan finally managed to gasp out between shuddering sobs that make Kendall's heart ache. "Help me. Make it stop."

Kendall glanced up at James and Carlos who had come to a halt in front of them. James had started crying too and Carlos was beginning to lose his composure as he watched his friends. "Carlos, call 911." Kendall instructed quietly. James had knelt down next to Logan and was trying to figure out how to comfort him without hurting him further and Logan, oblivious to everything but his pain and Kendall, was still begging his older friend to make his hands stop hurting.

Carlos jerked out his cell phone and quickly dialed three numbers. By now, a small crowd had gathered around the horrible scene and he had to walk a few steps away so he could hear better. As soon as he heard a voice on the other end, Carlos fell apart and could barely get out a strangled message. He ignored the man who told him to stay on the phone until the ambulance arrived and went back to his friends.

Logan's tears hadn't slowed a bit and he repeatedly begged for Kendall to help him. Each plea was like a knife stabbing Kendall in the heart because there was absolutely nothing he could do. He glanced at Carlos who nodded wordlessly. "Logan," Kendall cleared his throat and tried to get Logan's attention. "Help is coming, okay, buddy? Help will be here soon."

"It hurts so bad." Logan tried in vain to slow his sobs so that he could catch his breath but his hands felt like they were on fire. He wanted to pass out from the pain but the pain was what kept him conscious, it was so terrible. He couldn't think straight. He heard voices in the background and heard James crying and saying his name over and over again. If he had opened his eyes he would have seen Carlos simply staring at him, and a crowd of onlookers in the background. Kendall kept telling him that help was coming but it felt like an eternity before he heard the wail of a siren.

James jumped up and ran out of the lobby to meet the paramedics. He babbled incoherently to them and gestured frantically with one arm in the general direction of the stairs. When they tried to calm him down he shook of their hands and dashed back to Logan and his other friends, knowing that they would follow him.

One of the EMTs sat down next to Logan and tried to gently pull him away from Kendall. "Hey, we're here to help you, kid. Just relax."

Logan shook his head wildly. "Stop!" He protested. "You're hurting me!"

"His shoulder is hurt too." Carlos whispered to the EMT. He wanted to yell at the man for hurting his friend even more but he didn't know. Besides, Carlos was couldn't find the energy to raise his voice above a whisper. "Watch his ankle." He added as an after thought, although the ankle was encased in the walking boot that made it impossible to miss.

The EMT softened and looked properly apologetic. "Sorry, buddy." His gaze swept over Logan, eyes full of pity. "Looks like you've had it rough lately." He shook his head and gestured to one of his fellow paramedics to help him. "We're going to get you on a stretcher okay?"

Logan could only nod, his sobs at last quieting so he could breath regularly.

James couldn't move as he watched the paramedics work skillfully and quickly. He could only stare at them and think how horrible life had been for all of them lately. He felt Kendall's arm around his shoulders and only cried harder. But when the men started wheeling Logan away from him, he scrambled to his feet, aided by Kendall and Carlos and followed them.

"What happened?" Camille appeared out of nowhere and rushed after them. "Logan?"

"I'm. . . okay." Logan cringed when he saw his girlfriend see the state that he was in.

Camille swung around to Kendall for an honest answer. "What happened?" She repeated, fighting for control over her emotions.

Kendall didn't take his eyes off of Logan and was puling his car keys from his pocket as he answered Camille. "He fell down the stairs." He whispered shakily. "Come on." He took her hand and nodded to his two friends and they walked quickly across the parking lot to his car.

* * *

"He's okay, right?" Carlos asked as they waited for a doctor to tell them about Logan.

Kendall sighed and brought his head out of his hands to face Carlos. "He'll be fine." He said even though he had no idea.

"But-" Carlos started then stopped. He jumped up and ran over to Logan who was walking towards them with a doctor. Camille, Kendall and James were close behind him.

Logan's face was pale and he was moving even slower than he had been that morning. His eyes were red from crying and still filled with pain. But he gave his friends a small smile and kissed Camille when she neared him. "Hi." He said quietly.

"Logan can go home." The doctor said, nodding at the patient. "Just make sure he gets plenty of rest for the next few days." He wrote something out on his clipboard and handed a piece of paper to James. "I prescribed him a new pain medication that won't affect him when he takes the ones he has already. The CVS up the street probably has it ready for you to pick it up already." He smiled and placed a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Take it easy, Logan. Okay?"

Logan turned red and nodded, staring at his feet as he did so. "Thanks." He whispered.

Sensing that Logan just wanted to get out of the hospital and back home, Kendall thanked the doctor and led his friends down the hallway and out into the sunshine. They stopped by the pharmacy on their way back and Kendall ran in and ran out with Logan's new pain pills. Then they were back at Palm Woods where everyone tactfully kept their distance, only offering sympathetic smiles their way.

Logan sighed when they reached Apartment 2J and flopped down on the big orange couch. "I should have never gotten up today." He groaned. "I just want to pretend this day never happened."

Carlos sat down next to him, his eyes wide. "How bad did you hurt yourself?" He whispered.

Logan shook his head. "I didn't really do any more damage." He told his friends. "It just hurts. At least I didn't break anything."

Camille smiled and kissed him. "That's my Logie." She said, making Logan blush. "The optimist."

At her words, Logan shook his head. "I'm actually not feeling that optimistic right now." He said honestly. "I'm afraid to move right now. It's just after 1:00 in the afternoon and I can't think of what else can go wrong other than-"

"Shh." Camille sat down next to him and took his prescription bottle from Kendall. "Don't think about that." She pleaded, her eyes filling with tears.

"He's allowed to feel sorry for himself." James muttered crossly.

Camille turned around to glare at him. "I didn't say that." She argued. "I just don't want him to think of what else can go wrong."

"Don't tell him what to do." James hated himself for snapping at Camille once again especially when he caught Kendall's and Carlos' warning looks and Logan's hurt face. But he was exhausted and stresses and as hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to shut his mouth.

"I just don't want him to talk about dying!" Camille said in exasperation as she stood up.

"If I have to stop talking about dying, then you all have to stop _talking_." Logan spoke with uncharacteristic sharpness in his voice, catching everyone off guard. Before they could say anything, he took his pill bottle from Camille and struggled to open it. "I'm taking my stupid medication and going back to bed." He muttered. He couldn't get his fingers to bend properly and his attempts made them ache even more. Finally, he threw the bottle across the room where it hit the wall. "Forget it." He said to himself. "Wake me up tomorrow." He stood up and limped slowly off to his room.

The four left behind were silent, too shocked to follow Logan even when they heard his door slam with a force that seemed to shake the entire building. Tears had filled Camille's eyes and were overflowing to run down her pale face. She was the first to speak. "I'm sorry." She said to James in a whisper.

"Me too." James glanced down at the floor and stared at his feet. "I know you were just trying to cheer Logan up." He offered her a shaky smile of forgiveness, then glanced down the hallway.

"Leave him alone for now." Kendall said quietly. He flinched when something hit Logan's bedroom wall with a loud thud.

Carlos stood up and crossed the room. He picked up the pill bottle and inspected it carefully. A thin crack ran all the way down one side and he set it down carefully on the kitchen counter. "Is he going to be okay?" He asked Kendall, doubtfully.

Kendall joined Carlos and gave him a one armed hug. "Of course he will." He assured the younger boy. "He's Logan. He's a fighter and he's been through worse. He's just tired and had a lousy day. Give him some time okay? He deserves it anyway."

Carlos leaned his head on Kendall's shoulder and nodded. "He does." He agreed. But he he couldn't resist a worried glance down the hall. "When will things be normal again?" He couldn't help but ask the impossible question.

James and Camille looked up, wearing matching looks of sadness. Kendall tightened his grip on Carlos and led him over to the couch to rejoin their other friends. "I don't know." He finally said, running his hand through his blonde hair. "But things will get better, Carlos. I promise."

James was quiet but all he could think of was how for the first time in a long time, he just couldn't believe Kendall's words. Everything seemed so hopeless and even Logan was falling apart. He longed for the day when they could all just relax and have fun together. He wanted to laugh again and he wanted to hear his friends laugh again. He wanted to be happy.

He felt ungrateful for being so gloomy because they were all alive and even after his accident, Logan and James were both healing well. Physically at least. James had no idea where they were emotionally or even mentally and that scared him. Because all he could think of was if Kendall was right, if things would get better one day, then they still had a long time to wait. Eventually they would have to return to school and try to move on once again. Eventually they would have to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and start over. That wasn't even what scared him the most.

The trial. He had no idea when the trial would be and he wasn't sure that he wanted to know. Would that make things worse? He didn't know. James didn't know very much anymore and that scared him too. He was afraid for himself and all of his friends

"James."

Kendall's voice was a soft, gentle command and James looked slowly up at him.

Kendall put a hand on his shoulder. "I promise, James. Things will get better. We'll get through this the way we got through everything. Together."

**A/N. So yeah. I don't like this chapter. Too short. -shrugs- I hope you liked it. Review? And oh my gosh I am so sorry. I totally forgot that I promised to update 'Triangle' soon. I fail at so many things it's not even funny. Okay. I PROMISE FOR REAL THIS TIME THAT I WILL UPDATE 'TRIANGLE' NEXT. Friday or Saturday, okay? Okay. I love you. Review?**


	15. Breakdown

**A/N. All right. So I've come to the conclusion that I should never ever take a break from angst for longer than a week. Because the time lapse between C16 of 'Three' and C13 of 'Innocence Lost' was ten days and in between I wrote very little extreme angst. I'm making up for lost time. I don't own anything. . . Except the angst. That is all mine. And I'm sharing. Lol.**

Logan was sick and tired of everything. He hated having nightmares and not sleeping. He hated that he could hardly do anything without help. He hated that he was constantly being in pain. He hated that James was hurt and in pain too. Logan just wanted to scream and throw something but every single motion hurt him. Even slamming his door. But he ignored the pain that went shooting through his hands, wondering if it was possible that he would become numb to it.

He sat down on his bed and then carefully laid down and drew himself into a ball. When his walking boot thumped uncomfortably on the edge of the bed he sat up and undid the straps as quickly as he could, tears coming to his eyes at the burning in his fingers. Then before he could calm himself down, he tore the walking boot off and flung it with all of his pathetic strength across the room where it smashed into the wall, causing a sizable dent.

Then Logan allowed himself to fall back into bed and cry. What did he do to deserve all of the crap that life had thrown at him? His mother and father were both dead, he had been a cancer patient, he and his best friend had been shot, and that was only half of it. He was so tired. He longed to have a normal life. A boring life.

Logan tried to slow down the sobs. He also hated it that he cried all the time now. He was such a baby. But nothing was ever easy for him anymore. He wanted life to go back to normal before the shooting happened. He wanted his insomnia to be caused by something other than falling asleep. He wanted to stop hurting and he wanted James to stop hurting. He knew that James was still in pain, but Logan was the first priority and James rarely complained. Logan hated being the center of everyone's attention.

At last Logan calmed down and he merely lay in his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He listened to the muffled voices of his friends out in the family room. He couldn't hear Camille so he imagined that she had left. He felt bad for snapping at his friends but they were fighting and that had only added to his level of stress and anxiety. It was the very last thing he needed. Logan realized though, that he should apologize to his friends all the same. He hated to think that he had hurt them.

Logan eyed his bedroom door disdainfully. He didn't really think he had the energy to walk all the way out to his friends. He just wanted to sleep. His breathing had slowed to normal and he felt himself relaxing. He let his eyes drift shut and promised himself that he would apologize to them later. When he woke up.

But his eyes snapped open and Logan sat up, breathing heavily. The moment his eyes had closed, he had seen Andrew's face. That had never happened before. His nightmares hadn't been that bad. But now. . .

Logan got up and limped over to his dresser and pulled the top drawer out. He shouldn't be doing what he was about to do but he was so completely desperate for a few hours of solid sleep that he didn't think twice about taking twice the recommended dose of his pain medication. One pill made him sleepy and two nearly knocked him off of his feet as soon as Logan swallowed them. He stumbled back over to his bed and laid down again, falling into a dreamless slumber the instant his head hit the pillow.

* * *

James stood anxiously in front of Logan's closed bedroom. It was dinner time and Logan had been locked in his room for over five hours. They hadn't heard a sound for a long time and James was worried. They all were. James had merely used dinner as an excuse for checking in on him.

"Logan?" James tapped lightly on the wood frame and listened closely. He could hear nothing. He frowned and knocked harder this time. "Logan, are you okay in there?" Still nothing.

_He's probably just sleeping. You should leave him alone._ But James couldn't. His heart beat unnaturally in his chest and his breathing had quickened in a sudden fear that he couldn't tell to be rational or not. _You're being paranoid._ His inner voice whispered as he fumbled for the paper clip that Carlos had placed over everyone's doors after teaching them how to use the small pieces of meta; to pick locks. James regretted teasing Carlos about his unusually cautious habit as he expertly inserted the paper clip into the lock and swung it open.

"Logan-" He stopped short. Logan was sound asleep in his bed, looking peaceful for once. James breathed a sigh of relief and crossed the room to sit on the edge of the bed. Logan didn't even stir. James frowned again and peered closer at him. He was breathing but there was something odd about the slow, deep rise and fall of his chest. Logan was sleeping a little too well to be natural, especially after all of his nightmares.

He watched Logan sleep. Part of him said to leave him alone because he was probably just fine. But a bigger part of James was scared to see his insomniac friend sleeping so well. So he reached out and gently shook his lower arm, being careful to avoid his shoulder. "Hey, Logan. Dinner is ready."

He was relieved when he got a tiny reaction from Logan. The younger boy frowned in his sleep and pulled slightly away from James. "Logan, wake up. It's time for dinner." Against his better judgment, because his selfish nature was too strong, James tried again. "Logan, wake up."

Logan pried open his eyes and looked blearily up at James. "What do you want?" He asked, his voice slurred with sleep.

James stared at him in concern. He wasn't acting right at all. Now that he was awake, if you could call Logan awake, James was even more uneasy. "Logan, are you okay?" He put a hand on Logan's forehead.

Logan suddenly reached up and slapped James' hand away, clumsily with his own hand.

"Logan, be careful. You're going to hurt-"

"Stop it, James." Logan interrupted him. He buried his head under his covers. "Stop telling me what to do and go away."

James was taken aback by his friend's sharp words. "What?" He asked in confusion.

Logan sat up and fixed James with a glare. "Go. Away." He hissed.

James stood up but remained in Logan's room. He was frozen as he simply stared at Logan in disbelief. It was obvious that his friend was completely miserable but James couldn't think of what to say to him.

He didn't need to speak though. Logan was doing all the talking apparently. "Just leave me alone. I don't want dinner. I want to be alone. I was sleeping, James. Why did you have to wake me up?"

"I. . . I thought something was wrong." James stammered. "You looked kind of strange, Logan. You were sleeping really deeply and-"

"How is that a problem?" Logan asked in exasperation. "I was sleeping, James. When was the last time I got any sleep at all?"

"I'm sorry-"

"Okay, so maybe I took an extra pain pill so I could-"

This time it was James' turn to interrupt. "You what?" He exclaimed in disbelief. He vaguely noticed that Carlos and Kendall had joined them, demanding to know what all the yelling was about. It only occurred to him then that he and Logan were actually yelling at each other. He couldn't stop himself though. "Logan, what were you thinking? I know you're tired. I am too. But that's no excuse to mess with your pills. You could have gotten sick or-"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Please, James. What do you know? I only took one extra pill. It wouldn't have done anything."

"Wait a second." Kendall held up his hands to stop James from speaking. "Logan, what did you do?"

"Why are all of you acting like it's such a big deal?" Logan threw his arms up in the air. "It was perfectly harmless. I wouldn't have done it otherwise."

"But, Logan." James pleaded with his friend to listen to him. "What if you get addicted?"

"How stupid do you think I am?" Logan questioned.

"Hey," Carlos broke into the argument. "Let's all-"

"If you say anything about stupid kittens. . ." Logan shook his head. "I don't want to think about kittens, Carlos. I want you all to leave me alone and I want to go back to sleep. I don't want to eat. I'm not hungry. I'm tired."

"You've been asleep for like, five hours though." Carlos took a step back at his friend's harsh words but he was still concerned.

"Wow, five hours." Logan knew he was being horrible to all of his friends but he couldn't stop the rush of words. To his dismay and disgust, tears had started to fall again. "Not everyone can sleep like you and Kendall, Carlos. Some people have trouble sleeping especially after they were held hostage and-"

"Logan, calm down!" James stepped forward to pull his friend into a hug.

Suddenly Logan stood up so fast that James had to step backwards quickly. His balance was upset and he wavered briefly before steadying himself. But Logan took one step forward and shoved James with surprising strength. "Get away from me!" He shouted.

James stumbled again but this time he kept falling. He heard a loud crack and felt sharp pain blast though his head as it struck the corner of Logan's desk. For a moment, he was in so much pain that he only felt dizzy and he couldn't focus on anything else. Then he heard Kendall say something about Logan to Carlos and then Kendall was talking to him.

"James, can you hear me?" Kendall put his hand on James' shoulder and stared at him anxiously.

James groaned and gently touched the back of his head. He felt a decent sized lump but to his relief there was no blood. "Where's Logan?" He asked suddenly when he realized that both Logan and Carlos were absent.

"He ran off." Kendall told him. "Carlos went after him." He added when James tried to get up. "Just sit for a minute, okay?" He gently forced James' head up and looked at him straight in the eyes, searching for a concussion. He smiled in relief when he saw that James' hazel eyes were clear but the smile disappeared when he saw tears. "Are you okay?"

James shook his head. "No. Why would I be?"

"Logan was just mad." Kendall sighed and ran a hand through his blonde hair. "He'll calm down. I think he was more upset that he actually shoved you than anything else."

"He's falling apart." James pointed out tearfully. "I'm afraid for him. I don't want to lose him."

Kendall gripped James firmly around the shoulders. "James, I told you. We're going to be fine. Logan will be fine. He just needs some time. We all do." He pulled James into a hug when he started to cry quietly.

But if James had trouble believing Kendall before, now it seemed impossible.

**A/N. Short and stupid- I mean, sweet. MAYBE. Wait. That wasn't sweet either. That was horrible. -headdesk- No more angst breaks from me. Review?**


	16. Help

**A/N. LOL. No really, I need to stop this angst trip. It's out of hand. I don't own anything.**

Carlos watched in shock as Logan stood up and gave James a hard shove. The taller boy was caught completely off guard and stumbled backwards before finally falling to the ground, his head hitting the edge of Logan's desk with a painful smack.

Kendall was at James' side in a second. "Carlos, go after Logan." He instructed quietly.

Carlos jerked his gaze away from James just in time to see Logan hobble out of his room with remarkable speed. He looked back at Kendall and nodded before turning to follow Logan. He waved off Mrs. Knight's and Katie's questioning looks and quickened his pace. "Logan, wait up!"

But Logan didn't stop or slow down even when Carlos caught up with him. He kept walking, down the hall and up the stairs until he and Carlos emerged onto the roof of Palm Woods. It shouldn't have surprised Carlos. Logan had always liked to be out under the night sky when he was struggling with something. He claimed it made his problems seem smaller. But as big as the sky was with all the constellations, planets, and galaxies, Carlos didn't think that Logan was comforted when he sank to the cold concrete and buried his face in his arms and cried.

"Hey, Logan." Carlos sat down next to his friend and pulled him into a hug, for once disregarding his injuries because he knew that Logan didn't care at that point. He gently rubbed Logan's back and murmured comforting words to him. He didn't really know what he was saying to him but it must have been working because Logan's sobs eventually slowed until he was merely leaning into Carlos, tears falling silently from his eyes and soaking Carlos' T-shirt.

"I'm sorry." He muttered, trying to regain control.

"Logan, listen to me." Carlos forced Logan to look at him. "You have no reason to be sorry."

But Logan pulled away. "You're kidding right? I yelled at all three of my best friends when you were just worried about me and I hurt James." He dragged an arm across his tear stained face. "I was an idiot."

Carlos couldn't help rolling his eyes. "Logan, with everything that's happened to you, I'm amazed that you've made it this long without completely snapping. Even with everything that's happened today I think you've been relatively calm." He regarded Logan seriously. "But it's not healthy to keep all of your emotions locked up inside of you, Logan. You don't have to be ashamed of anything."

"I feel so weak." Logan whispered, looking down.

"You're one of the strongest people I know." Carlos said firmly. "You beat cancer and you're going to beat this. I know you are. You just need to let me, Kendall, and James help you."

"But-" Logan blinked back more tears. "What if James hates me?"

"James would never hate you." Carlos shook his head. "He's worried about you. We all are. You're scaring us, Logan. Tonight was really scary. I know you said that one extra pill wouldn't do anything and you would know since you want to be a doctor but. . ."

"I know." Logan sighed tiredly. "I know I shouldn't have done it. It wasn't even an actual overdose but I could still easily become addicted. Especially since it helped me sleep so well. I could have started taking them so I could sleep." He looked up at Carlos with a troubled, honest expression on his pale face. "I'm scaring myself too. I feel like I have no control over what I say or do or even think."

"Do-" Carlos broke off and hesitated. "Do you think you need help?"

Logan bit his lip. "I don't know. Maybe." He finally admitted."But I don't want that kind of help. I've never needed a counselor before."

"Maybe we all have and we just didn't realize it." Carlos sighed and looked out over the city. LA was stunning at night. But his thoughts weren't on the brightly lit buildings or the sound of music coming from a party down the street. "We barely made it when you were sick, Logan. I mean, James and Kendall and I went to the support group for a while and it helped a little. But then you got really sick and we stopped going because we were afraid to leave you alone. And you. . . you never went." He shrugged. "Maybe it would help."

"I don't want to go though." Logan whispered. "I don't want people to think anything about me."

"Logan, everyone is only worried about you. And those who aren't. . . don't worry about them. They don't deserve the attention." Carlos was solemn as he spoke, praying that he could get through to his lost friend. "But. . . we won't push you." He promised. "If it makes it easier, just know that you won't have to go through anything alone. We'll be right there with you every single step of the way. We're not leaving you. I promise."

Logan nodded. "I know. Thanks, Carlos." A small smile appeared and disappeared but it was a smile all the same. "I'll think about it then."

"Good." Carlos nodded in relief and satisfaction. A cool breeze swept through them and Logan and Carlos both shivered. "Come on." Carlos helped Logan to his feet. "Let's get back inside."

Logan didn't move at first. "Are you sure James won't be mad at me? What about Kendall?"

Carlos carefully wrapped his arm around Logan's waist so that he was supporting him better. "You should be wearing your walking boot." He remarked in disapproval, before answering Logan's question. "You know," He commented as the two boys slowly made their way back down the stairs. "People think all four of us are too different to be friends. But I think there's more than meets the eye. We all care about each other and we'd do anything to protect each other. Right?" He went on after Logan's nod. "Right. So let me ask you a question, Logan. If you were in James' place and he was in your place. . . what would you be thinking?"

Logan was silent as they walked slowly down the hall. "I'd be worried about James." He said finally, when they reached Apartment 2J.

"Exactly." Carlos nodded and then opened the door.

Logan wanted to sink into the carpeted floor and disappear. Katie and Mrs. Knight were still in the kitchen but they glanced up at him in concern before they left the room, obviously to leave the boys alone to figure things out. James and Kendall were both seated on the large orange couch with untouched dinner plates. Logan's gaze landed and stayed on James. His head wasn't bandaged so he must have not hit it as hard as it sounded. But his left ankle was propped up on the coffee table with an ice pack laid on top of it. Still the worst part was the his eyes were slightly red and Logan knew that he had been the cause of his friend's tears. "James?" He stammered in a weak and shaky voice.

Kendall got up and intercepted Logan on his way to the couch for a quick hug. Then he and Carlos both sat down and fell silent as they waited for whatever was to happen.

"I hurt you." Logan said, catching himself off guard. He was supposed to apologize to James and not tell him what he had done. Everyone already knew that. He sat down next to James, his body slumped in utter exhaustion and defeat. "I'm sorry." He finally whispered, wishing there was something else he could say. "I didn't mean to hurt you. Any of you. I was just so tired bu that's no excuse. You were right, James. I shouldn't have-"

James cut him off abruptly by tugging him into a hug, both arms wrapped securely around Logan's smaller body like he was afraid he might float away. "It's okay, Logan." He whispered, his voice slightly muffled from his face being pressed into Logan's shoulder.

Logan shook his head but didn't pull away. "It's not okay." His disagreed stubbornly. "I hurt all of you and-" He dragged his head away long enough to see James' ankle. "You got _hurt_."

"I just twisted it." James told him gently. "My head is fine." He added when he saw Logan stare into his eyes and search for a concussion.

"But you could have gotten hurt worse."

"And you could have broken your arm when you fell down the stairs earlier today." James flinched at his own words.

"I deserve to-"

"No you don't." James shook his head. "Honestly, Logan? Do you really believe that after shoving me, you deserve to break your arm? Because that's one of the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life."

Instead of answering him, Logan looked down at his shoes. "Do you think I'm bad luck?"

James, Kendall and Carlos could only stare at him. "Why?" Kendall finally managed to ask.

Logan still didn't look up even though he felt their stares. "Because of everything that's happened to me."

"Okay, _that_ is now the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." James muttered. "No way, Logan."

"Look at me though!" Logan's voice begged them to listen and not interrupt so they complied. "My mom died and my dad didn't care about me and now he's dead and I had cancer and then Andrew shot up the school." He took a deep breath from his run-on sentence. "Is that normal? Am I normal? Is something wrong with me?"

Carlos' mouth had dropped opened. He tried to think of something to say to his friend but the only words he could think of were the ones that were coming out of Logan's mouth. He thought that he had said something to help Logan when they were up on the roof. He thought that he had made him feel a little better. But he had built him up only to watch him fall apart all over again.

"_Nothing_ is wrong with you." James would have shaken Logan if he knew it wouldn't hurt him. "I don't know why this is happening to you, Logan. The world is seriously screwed up sometimes." He took a deep breath. "But there are good things in life too. Like friends and family that love you to death, Logan. We want you to be happy again, Logan. Let us help you."

Logan nodded wordlessly and let James hug him again. When Kendall and Carlos joined in, he bit back the tears of pain that came to his eyes. For once he didn't care. Because he felt safe. "I need help." He whispered into James' shirt. He felt his friends all let out a collective sigh of relief and tried to push back the feelings of humiliation and helplessness that washed over him. It was surprisingly easy to let go of the negative feelings. As horrible as it was to admit that he needed help, Logan felt relieved too. Besides, he knew that just like they had promised, his friends would be with him every step of the way.

James was right. There were good things in life. His mother and father were both dead but he still had a family with his friends. And even though he was reminded of that every day and never forgot it, he knew it now more than ever.

"That's all you ever needed to say, Logie." Kendall murmured. He felt tears gather in his eyes when he realized how truly broken Logan was. It scared him because for once, they couldn't give him all the help he needed. They had to let someone else take the reins and guide Logan through his problems. Even though they would be with him, Kendall didn't want to trust his best friend to a perfect stranger when he was so vulnerable. But it was what Logan needed. He only wished they had reached out for this kind of help long before Logan's problems snowballed so much that they had nearly lost him.

Carlos didn't want Logan to go to a counselor. It scared him to think that things were that bad. He wanted to pretend that they would get through this like they had everything else. To him, people who went to therapy were people who were severely depressed and suicidal. Logan wasn't any of those things was he? He tightened his grip on Logan until he heard a quiet wince. But even then he just wanted to hold onto him until all the bad and scary things went away. He didn't care how long he had to stay in that position, holding Logan, if by some miracle it would work. He just wanted his best friend back.

James finally pulled away so that they could all breathe a little easier. Kendall was crying but he was also trying to put on a brave face for everyone else. Carlos wasn't even bothering to try and hide his emotions. He was terrified for Logan's sake. They all were. James could see that Carlos didn't want to let go of Logan. Ironically enough, Logan seemed to be in the best shape out of all of them. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders and he was slowly returning to them. James bit his lip, thinking of how it would only get worse before it got better. "Come on," He said then. "I think we should all call it a night." It was early but they were all exhausted from their lack of sleep the night before and the horrible day.

Logan nodded gratefully. He let Kendall pull him to his feet and leaned on the taller boy. He hesitated though when Kendall started to lead him to his room. "Let's sleep out here tonight." He suggested suddenly.

Carlos wiped away any remaining tears and sprang up. "Great idea, Logan!" He said, eager to forget about their talk. "I'll get the blankets and pillows."

Kendall set Logan gently back on the couch and left to go help him.

Soon the four boys were all settled on the sofa bed that the couch turned in to. Despite the violent emotions that had been sending them on a roller coaster ride, Kendall and Carlos were fast asleep within ten minutes. Logan felt himself drifting away too and he closed his eyes, allowing the sensation of sleep to take him away.

"Logie?"

James' voice pulled him away from sleep and Logan turned to look at his friend, just able to make out his face in the dark. "Yeah?"

James was quiet at first. "I just wanted to make sure that you're okay." He wasn't quite sure what he meant but he had to say it.

Logan yawned but considered James' statement seriously. "I'm getting there." He finally said. "I will be."

He smiled then and James wished the light was on so he could see it better. "Are you sure?" He asked, his voice cracking.

"Yup." Logan sighed. "I have you guys."

The two boys were quiet then and soon they were both fast asleep. And for the first time in weeks, all four boys slept soundly.

**A/N. I need angst therapy. I don't know. I had a bad day and a bad night. Review?**


	17. Telling It Like It Is

**A/N. If I fail any of my classes this semester, I'm blaming Scott Fellows. That being said, the man is my hero for creating Big Time Rush. Anyway, this author's note is pointless. I don't own anything.**

The tall white building looked far too intimidating to be comforting. Logan stopped short in front of the glass doors and craned his neck to look up at the top. Twenty stories high, the local mental health hospital was devoid of anything desirable. It looked cold and foreboding and he knew that there were plenty of crazy people on the inside. What did that say about him?

A strong arm wrapped around his shoulders and tugged him gently forwards. "You're not crazy." Kendall said softly. "It's going to be okay, Logan."

Logan had naturally researched the very building there were about to enter. It was designed so that the sections and wards rose with the patients problems. People struggling with clinical depression were on the first floor and those with schizophrenia were on the top floor. Everyone else was simply in between. Logan questioned the set-up of the place. Schizophrenics seemed just as prone to jumping out the top windows and the depressed people did. Probably even more so. But he'd been wrong before. The doctors inside knew what they were doing. Hopefully.

Still, Logan cringed as he and Kendall walked inside with Carlos and James right behind them. He wanted to run far away from the awful place and never ever return. He couldn't believe things had gotten so out of hand. His control had slipped so far away from him that he wondered if he'd ever get it back. He was only going in to speak to a counselor but what if things got worse and he ended up as a patient? What if he started out on the bottom floor and ended up on the top?

"Can I help you?" The woman at the front desk smiled at the four boys warmly and waited for one of them to respond.

Logan knew that he should be the one to answer her. But his vocal cords rebelled against the orders from his brain and he could only stare at her.

Kendall stepped forward then. "This is my friend, Logan Mitchell." He said, keeping a hand on Logan's shoulder. "He has a counseling appointment today."

The woman didn't seem to think it was odd that Kendall spoke for Logan. Instead she turned the focus of her attention on Logan. "You're here to see Steve Rodgers right?" Her voice was soft and gentle and it eased some of Logan's fears.

"Yes." He managed a pathetic whisper. A small smile appeared when he thought of how Carlos, trying to make him feel better about the awful situation, had burst into the theme song for _Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood _as soon as they learned the man's name.

"Why don't you boys make yourselves comfortable and I'll go tell Steve that you're here? It should be about five minutes." The woman, Logan finally registered the name tag that said Shelley on the front of her shirt, gestured to the couches a few feet away from them.

The boys obediently went to sit down while Shelley disappeared down the hall. Logan sat down only after Carlos tugged him down next to him. But he couldn't stay still and bounced his leg up and down nervously. "This place is for crazy people." He hissed in a whisper. As if to emphasize his point, the boys could hear maniacal sounding laughing coming from somewhere in the building. Logan groaned and dropped his head into his hands, grateful that the pain in them had finally started to subside.

"You're not staying here, Logan." James reminded him. "You're only coming here for two hours three days a week. As soon as you're done, we'll go back to the Palm Woods and do whatever you want."

"What if everyone at Palm Woods finds out that I'm coming here?" Logan fretted. "What if the Jennifers-"

"Screw the Jennifers." James interrupted as Shelley returned. She wasn't alone though and all three boys silently shifted closer to Logan who started at the sight of the giant in front of them.

He could have been Freight Train's identical twin except he seemed even larger somehow. James bit his lip, not sure he was willing to leave Logan alone with the huge stranger. He certainly wasn't the Mr. Rodgers that Carlos had joked about earlier. But then he smiled and James relaxed. Logan was in good hands.

"Boys, this is Steve Rodgers. Steve, these are the boys I told you about." Shelley swept her arm over the boys.

Steve regarded them carefully, almost as if he was trying to read their minds. His gaze settled on Logan and all of the boys could see the compassion in his eyes. "You're Logan." He said quietly.

It was actually pretty obvious. Logan was cowering in the shelter of his friends while they all looked at Steve with caution. But Logan nodded. "Yes." He wondered if he would be able to say anything else.

"Anyone else care to tell me their name?" Steve asked with another smile on his face. "I'm here for Logan but I'd like to meet his best friends too."

Carlos bounded to his feet. "I'm Carlos." He tilted his head to see the man in front of him. "Wow, you're like five times my size!"

James couldn't help but laugh at his younger friend. "Carlos, he's tall but you're also short. That makes your size difference even more noticeable." He stood up, drawing himself to his full height which suddenly didn't seem like much. He gave Carlos a gentle shove. "Is this how you feel with everyone else?"

Carlos pouted and rolled his eyes but he wasn't really mad at all. "This is James." He introduced. "And that's Kendall."

Kendall was the only one who hadn't said anything since Steve had entered the lobby. But at Carlos' introduction, he stood up and held out his hand, watching as it was swallowed up in Steve's enormous grip. "It's nice to meet you." He mumbled awkwardly.

"It's good to meet all of you." Steve said warmly. But then he dropped Kendall's hand and looked at Logan. "Are you ready, Logan?"

Logan wasn't ready. He wanted to go back to Palm Woods and crawl under his covers and go to sleep until the nightmare was over. But he nodded again and stood up. "Yes." He winced. He really needed to say something else. "I'm ready." Okay, it wasn't original or anything but it was the only thing he could think of.

Steve placed a hand on Logan's shoulder, making him look even smaller and more vulnerable. But he looked safe too. "All right. Let's go then. Make yourselves boys, okay? After today I'll have a better idea of the length but like I said over the phone, it shouldn't be longer than two hours."

"Okay." Carlos' smile faded and he watched helplessly as Logan was led away. He tried thinking that it wouldn't be too long before he saw his friend again but he still wanted to run after him.

"Are you okay, Carlos?" Kendall was by his side and he led him back to the couch where James sat down and made room for both of them.

Carlos blinked back tears. "I promised Logan we'd stay with him and we can't."

"Carlos, we'll be right down the hall from him." James said comfortingly. "Everything will be okay."

As if to mock him though, there was another chilling laugh and Carlos shook his head. "None of this is okay." He said tearfully. "Logan isn't okay. He's far from okay and it's our fault for not taking care of him better. We should have-"

"Okay." Kendall interrupted him. "You're right, Carlos. We should have gotten him help sooner. But it's not too late. Logan is nothing like these people here. He'll be fine. I-"

"Don't promise." Carlos shook his head. "I think that Logan will be okay too, Kendall. But stop promising things okay? Because you're just saying it too make us feel better. You're just as scared as the rest of us. Stop pretending something you're not."

Kendall let out a shaky breath. "Okay." He ran his hand through his hair. "Carlos, you're right again. I'm sorry." He smiled a little bit. "You're doing it again. That thing where you're really smart right when we need it."

Carlos smiled a little. "Sometimes I surprise myself." He tried to joke but the smile wouldn't stick.

They were quiet then because there wasn't anything else to say. They could only wait for Logan to return so they could be whole again.

* * *

"So, Logan." Steve settled into a chair and gestured for Logan to do the same. "Why don't you tell me about yourself?"

Logan sat down, his back stiff against the comfortable chair. He chewed his lip nervously. "Why do you want me to tell you?" He asked uncertainly. He kept his eyes riveted on Steve, thinking that if the man suddenly took out a pad of paper and started writing things down, he would freak. He hated being analyzed.

Steve shrugged his massive shoulders. "Anything." He replied simply. "Start at the beginning if it makes it easier. Don't worry about getting out of order or anything. Just talk."

"I grew up in a small town in Minnesota. . ." Logan started and stopped. He looked at Steve who nodded and went on. "I met Kendall and James and Carlos when we were five." He smiled and relaxed a little. "All of our parents decided that it would be a good idea for us to learn how to skate so we were on a frozen pond."

"And you've been friends ever since?" Steve asked.

Logan nodded. "Yeah. They're the best. They helped me through a lot."

"Like what?" Steve asked gently, so gently that Logan found himself wanting to tell the man _everything_.

"My mom died in a car accident when I was six." Logan began, his fingers automatically finding the scar on his hands. "I was in the car too but I wasn't hurt badly." He looked down at his hands. "After my mom died, it was like a part of my dad died too. He stopped caring about everything. Even me. It hurt him too much to care I guess. He was a lawyer and he got so caught up in his work that he never had any time for me."

Logan looked up to see that Steve's expression had hardened just slightly so he rushed on. "But Kendall and James and Carlos and all of their families were always there for me. When I won any kind of academic awards and got straight A's, their parents would take us out to dinner to celebrate. Since I was so little when my dad stopped paying attention to me, I just thought that he was genuinely too busy. I used to do practically anything to get him to notice me and then I just gave up because I finally realized that he made himself busy because he didn't want to spend time with me."

"Then we moved to LA to record an album and I think that's really when my relationship with my dad really fell apart. Kendall was with his mom and sister so he saw them every day. His parents divorced when we were younger but his dad still cared about them and everything so they kept in close contact. James is an only child and his parents have always been supportive of whatever he wanted to do. It was hard for them to let him go to LA but they knew that it was a great opportunity. His mom called every day and his dad called at least once a week. Carlos has five younger sisters and his family made sure to visit once a month. The Garcias are really close."

Steve spoke up then. "Were you ever jealous of your friends' relationships with their families?"

Logan shrugged helplessly. "Of course I was." He said honestly, a little surprised at how easy it was to admit to someone he had just met. "I still am sometimes. But now I know that I'm part of their families too so it's easier."

Steve nodded. "It makes perfect sense." He assured Logan. "Why don't you tel me about your friends, specifically?"

Logan smiled. "Kendall is our leader. He's really strong and protective of the rest of us. His one weakness is that he cares about everyone so much that he forgets that he's allowed to have feelings too. Then he can be weak and we have to help him. But he's also really stubborn so it takes a lot."

"James is really passionate about everything. Most people see him as egotistical and shallow and maybe he is, a little bit. But when it comes right down to it, he's an extremely passionate and loyal friend. But that passion backfires when something goes wrong. Because when things are right he's happy and when things are wrong, he. . . he gets depressed and it's scary."

"Carlos is funny. He's the youngest of us but when the rest of us are falling apart, he's been the one to keep us going. He can be really immature but when we _need_ him he never fails to come through." Logan's smile grew a little sad. "He's grown up a lot. We all have."

"Tell me about what's happened." Steve encouraged.

"I got sick." Logan blurted out. "I had leukemia." He shivered a little at the memory. "It was near the end of our Junior year in school. But we had been so busy with getting our CD ready that everyone including me thought it was just a bad cold and that I'd get better after things slowed down. We were wrong"

"After we found out, my dad came back. My friends didn't trust him but I was stupid so I thought he was going to stick around." Logan looked up at Steve, tears of betrayal in his eyes. "They were right. My dad didn't want to deal with me so he left again. For real. He never came back." One hand wrapped around his waist and his fingers traced a long scar. "Not really anyway."

"What happened after your dad left?"

"I wanted to kill myself." Logan said honestly, blushing a little at his cowardice. But Steve didn't look surprised. "I thought everything that had happened to us was my fault. He left me when I needed him the most and I just wanted to die so the pain would stop. But then my friends came and I realized that they were reasons for me to keep fighting."

Logan took a deep breath. "Anyway, it was really hard. The whole cancer thing, I mean. I got really sick and needed a kidney transplant. My friends all wanted to help me but I wouldn't let them because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to them. Then my dad was in a really bad car accident and for some reason he was in LA at the time. He was brain dead and there was nothing the doctors could do for him. He was a perfect match."

"The surgery went well but the next day I had an infection and I. . . I died." Logan saw Steve's eyebrows shoot up. "Long story short, I had a choice to go back to my friends and that's what I choose because I didn't want them to hurt." Logan shook his head. "Lately I've been wondering if I made the right choice. Because if I had just stayed dead then I'd stop causing problems for everyone. They'd be okay eventually."

"Logan, that may be true." Steve interjected gently. "But I think your friends would rather have you like this than dead. I was only with the four of you for a couple of minutes and I could see the bond you have. It's very strong."

"I know." Logan nodded. "And I know that it would hurt them if they knew that I felt this way but I can't help it. I used to be the smart one, the one that always thought things through. Now I'm not sure what I do."

"What brought you here?" Steve asked unexpectedly.

"The shooting." Logan whispered. "I probably should have gotten help a while ago but the shooting is what made me go over the edge. It wasn't that I got shot. James almost died. He saved my life."

Steve waited patiently for Logan to continue.

"James and I were in his study hall because I had skipped a class to help him study for a test. We were repeating our Senior year because none of us were able to finish when I was sick. Anyway, I felt responsible for that and I was so determined that we would graduate in the spring. So I was with James when. . . Andrew started shooting. I got shot in the foot and I couldn't walk. James wouldn't leave me and he carried me out of the room and we tried to hide in one of the lock down rooms but Andrew found us and managed to get in.

Logan had started rambling but Steve never stopped him. "Andrew tried to shoot me but James shoved me out of the way and got shot himself. He almost died and it was all my fault. If I hadn't skipped class, then I wouldn't have gotten shot and James could have just gotten away without me to slow him down. He would have been fine."

"You don't know that." Steve disagreed gently. "He may have been shot anyway. I heard you saved his life too."

"Maybe." Logan wasn't sure which one of Steve's comments he was replying to.

"Logan, I'll have to meet with you several more times before I can be sure, but right now I think the core of your struggles are because of your father." Steve told him. "To put it bluntly, he abandoned you." He waited for Logan to nod. "You may have forgiven him but you haven't forgotten."

"How can I?" Logan pleaded.

"You can't." Steve shook his head. "He hurt you too deeply. But you can move on with your friends."

"I want to." Logan was desperate. "That's all I want to do but I don't know how."

"You have to forgive yourself. None of what has happened to you boys has been your fault but you're blaming yourself anyway. It's out of your control, Logan." Steve pushed a box of tissues over to Logan when he saw tears beginning to fall.

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm bad luck and everyone would be safer without me." Logan muttered, clumsily wiping away tears with a tissue.

Steve shook his head. "That's not true at all. Ask any of your friends and they would say the same thing."

"They already did." Logan said quietly.

"They're right." Steve said firmly. "Logan, I haven't known you for very long at all but I can just guess that you like control in your life. Things have been so out of your control lately that you're doing the only thing that makes sense and blaming yourself. But it doesn't make sense for you to blame yourself. You just have to accept the fact that you can't control everything and move on with your friends."

"I feel so stupid that I actually need help." Logan confessed. "And I know it's upsetting my friends and that's the worst part. I hate hurting them."

"You're not perfect. But the reason this is hurting your friends is because they care about you and they want what's best for you. If they didn't care about you, then they wouldn't be here now waiting for you. They wouldn't have brought you in the first place. They would have let you try to deal with your problems on your own. But they're here, right down the hall."

Logan gave up on trying to keep the tears back. "I need them." He whispered. "Please." And then he leaned forward and buried his head in his arms and cried. He didn't hear Steve get up and leave and he didn't know that he returned two minutes late with Kendall and James and Carlos in tow until he felt his friends around him, comforting him. Then he cried harder but not because he was hurting. He cried because he was relieved to know that Steve was right and that his friends cared about him.

**A/N. This chapter was much longer than what I have been writing. It makes me happy. Although, this chapter was always depressing which makes me sad. So, let me know what you thought about it. Thanks!**


	18. Confessions

**A/N. So. . . lol. Did the last chapter suck? Because I liked it. But then again, I would like putting Logan in a mental hospital for a counseling session. Just wait. I have so much planned for him and the other guys in future fics. . . But I'll stop talking now because you're not allowed to know. So ha! Ahem. Anyway, I don't own anything. **

"_And don't apologize for all the tears you've cried. You've been way too strong now for all your life." - 'Closer to Love' by Mat Kearny._

"I don't want to." Logan said quietly. He looked at his friends with a broken, pleading expression on his face and then dropped his gaze to the floor. "Please don't make me take them. I have enough medications to take."

Kendall winced at his words. He was right. "Yeah, but Logan, those are to help you with your pain." He said softly.

"I don't need antidepressants." Logan's voice shook. "I'm not depressed." He sat down on his bed and stared at the orange pill bottle in his hands.

Carlos sat down next to him. "It's only for a little while, Logan." He said gently. "Steve said that you should be okay soon. Just keeping going to him and talking to him and. . ." He trailed off and nodded to the pill bottle. "You know." He finished lamely.

"I don't want to be depressed." Logan said, finally beginning to relent a little bit.

James took the bottle from him. "That's why all of this is happening, Logan. It hurts so much seeing you like this. So helpless. But after everything that's happened to you, you're entitled to be a little messed up. You're allowed to cry. What really matters is, you're letting us help you." As he spoke, he carefully unscrewed the lid, shook out a pill and handed it to Logan.

Logan looked at the pill in disgust but took the water bottle that Carlos offered him and swallowed it quickly before he had to think of it for too much longer. He looked at his friends. "Happy?" He asked, in a tone that clearly indicated he was far from happy.

Carlos gave him a pat on the back. "One of these days." He said wistfully. He stood up and nodded at Logan for him to do the same. "Let's go watch TV or something."

Logan seemed grateful for the distraction so James and Kendall willingly agreed to the plan. They settled on the large orange couch, James and Logan in the middle where Kendall and Carlos felt they belonged.

Kendall flicked aimlessly through the channels before settling on _Mighty Ducks_. He heard Logan laugh softly at the selection and a small smile crosses his lips. It felt like it had been ages since he had heard that sound.

The movie was only twenty minutes in when Logan was fast asleep, his head on James' shoulder, one hand unconsciously holding onto James' shirt. James wrapped an arm around him and pulled him even closer.

"Are you okay?" Carlos asked in concern. Kendall had turned off the TV and both he and Carlos were watching James.

James blinked back tears that surprised him. He gave a small shrug. "I don't really know." He said honestly. "I'm better off than he is." He added bitterly.

Kendall put a hand on his shoulder. "He's getting help now." He tried to sound encouraging. "We all are. When was the last time you've had trouble sleeping?"

"Last night." James answered. He caught the sudden look of alarm that crossed his friends' faces. "Not because of nightmares though." He added quickly. "I was thinking about Logan's appointment." He shuddered slightly. "I know Steve is going to help him but I still can't believe we let things get so far. What kind of friends are we?" He could no longer hold back the tears. "He has to take antidepressants now."

To his dismay, Logan stirred and woke up when he started crying. He blinked in confusion and then sighed. "I'm sorry." He said, staring at the blank TV. He sat up and looked at James. "What's wrong?" He asked softly. "Besides me, I mean."

"Stop talking about how messed up you are." Carlos finally broke in. "You're not even all that messed up, Logan. You've just had a hard time."

"Are you kidding?" Logan asked in disbelief. "How ca you say that? All I do anymore is cry like a little baby or a girl and have nightmares and hurt you guys. I feel like the worst friend ever. I'm so pathetic."

Kendall shook his head. "Stop beating yourself up." He pleaded. "Logan, if you ever need to talk then we're right here for you." He looked up to include James and Carlos. "You guys too. And me. We're best friends. We can talk to each other about everything. But Logan, I wish you would stop being so hard on yourself. You're only human."

"You're wrong about something." James interrupted. "We don't talk about everything anymore. Why? We used to help each other and now we're just too worried about burdening everyone else. But we have to go back to that." He hugged Logan to him again. "Not just Logan though." He lifted his gaze to his other friends. "You guys are so worried about me and Logan. But are you okay?"

"James is right." Logan said softly. "You guys can't be as okay as you pretend to be."

Kendall had stiffened against the back of the couch and he bit his lip nervously. "I've been better." He finally said, evasively.

But Carlos wasn't as stubborn as Kendall. He chewed on his bottom lip and considered James' words. "James and Logan are both right, Kendall" He said. "We've been worried about them and we should be. But we were there too." His brown eyes filled with tears. "We didn't really see anything." He told James and Logan. "But we. . . heard _everything_. We heard the gunshots and the screaming and everything else you guys did. And we had no idea where you were."

"We didn't know where you guys were either." Logan broke in. "That was the scariest part until Andrew came in." He watched as his three friends flinched at the name and fell silent.

"Then," Carlos continued. "We were outside and we met up with the rest of the girls and-" His voice broke and he struggled to steady his composure. "We saw you, Logan. You were covered in blood. It was everywhere. And you were. . . crying so hard and you said James was dead and-" Carlos had started to cry in earnest and he couldn't talk anymore.

Kendall seemed frozen where he sat so Logan pulled away from James and hugged Carlos. "It's okay now, Carlos." He whispered soothingly. He looked up at Kendall. "Kendall, talk. Please?"

Kendall stared at Carlos and Logan and James. "All I could think of was how I thought James was dead and that you were going to die too." He finally said. That was all he could say before he broke and James had to move from Logan's side to hug him.

The tension in the room finally eased and everything was quiet until Logan laughed a little again. "At least I'm not the only girl." He teased lightly. "I'm just girlier than the rest of you."

James smiled to see Logan so at ease. He didn't know how long it would last. Maybe it was only because of the medication. That thought made him frown. He was glad to have part of the old Logan back but he couldn't help but wonder how long it would last before the shadows returned. It would be foolish to believe that the moment they were in right now was permanent. Sooner or later, they would be brought back to reality.

As if to mock him, the phone rang. They all jumped and at first, no one moved. But finally, Kendall got up and answered it right before he missed the call completely. "Hello?" He said tiredly. His friends watched as what color was in his face drained away and he sank down into a chair by the kitchen counter. "Okay." He finally whispered, before hanging up.

"What is it?" Carlos asked nervously.

Kendall turned to face them. "That was the school." He said quietly. "We're starting again on Monday."

James tensed. "Monday? Isn't that kind of late notice? That's in three days."

Kendall nodded. "Yeah." He stood up and rejoined his friends on the couch. "I guess it had to happen soon." He said thoughtfully. "I wouldn't mind if they waited a little longer though. It's not exactly something I've been looking forward to."

"No kidding." Logan muttered. He took a deep breath and sat up, a determined expression on his face. "We can do this though, guys. And remember, we won't be the only ones struggling. Everyone else. . . it'll be hard on everyone."

He ran a hand carefully through his hair, wincing a little at the stinging in his palm. "I need to say something. I mean, I know what you're going to say but just let me talk okay?" He took a deep breath. "I'll probably cry again." He added shakily.

"That's okay, Logan." James told him, forgetting all about school and focusing all his attention on Logan. Kendall and Carlos nodded and shifted closer together.

Logan smiled a little. "I just want to thank you." He said, blushing. "For everything. Like I said, it's been hard and there's still a lot of crap headed our way. But I have you guys and like I told Steve earlier today, you've helped me through so much. We were little when my mom died but you were all always really sensitive about it as we got older. And then the whole thing with my dad. . ."

"See, when I was talking to Steve, he told me that I needed to forgive myself. Because I've been blaming myself for everything that's happened. Like, when I was wondering if I was bad luck." Logan shook his head. "That was ridiculous of me to say."

"Anyway," Logan let out a huge breath. "Steve said that he guessed I liked things in order and that I like having things under control. He's right. And since everything has been so crazy lately, I've been struggling with it. But I'm trying to forgive myself because I realize that I can't help what's going on and I need to just accept it and move on."

Kendall smiled. "You're right, Logan. I'm glad to know that you're realizing that."

"It doesn't make it that much easier." Logan told him honestly. "I still don't want to take those antidepressants. They scare me. I hate relying on medications and this is even worse. Even now, I'm wondering how I'm going to feel when my "happy pill" wears off. And as much as I like Steve for someone I just met, I'd rather not see him again if you know what I mean."

"But I can't keep pretending everything is okay when it's not. I can't keep trying to do things on my own because that just makes it worse. It's scary to think that I need all this. . . extra help. Like I said, it makes me feel weak and I really hate that. It's hurting you guys too. I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry that I pushed you guys away again. You'd think I learned the first time around. But now I need you more than ever. And I'm glad that you stuck by me even when I was being stubborn."

"It comes back to my dad again." Logan felt tears burning his eyes. "I thought I was over what happened with him but I'm not. It goes deeper than I thought. The hurt, I mean. I forgave him but I didn't forget what happened. I don't think I ever can. Because he screwed up so much and even though he saved my life it's not like he did it voluntarily."

"I think he would have, Logan. If he knew." Kendall tried to push away the harsh resentment that he felt for Logan's late father. It killed him to know that Ryan Mitchell's abandonment of his son had been brought up again.

Logan shrugged. "Maybe." He saw the expressions on his friends' faces. "Okay, probably. I think he cared about me deep down but he was too scared and weak to handle everything." He smiled and it was such a genuine smile that his friends relaxed and grinned themselves. "So that's why I have to thank you. Because you were there when my dad wasn't. You've been with me through everything."

"And we'll always be here for you." James promised firmly. "You've been so strong. . . Let us be strong for you now, okay?"

Logan, for once in his life, was willing to let someone else carry his burden.

**A/N. LOL. This sucked didn't it? I'm sorry. Hopefully the next thing I write, won't be a piece of crap like the last two chapters have been. Does this even deserve a review? Probably not. I'll ask anyway. Review? Please? -dies-**


	19. Back to School

**A/N. I kind of really love Big Time Rush. However, I don't own them. How sad. I think I shall take my angst out on the boys. . . again.**

They stood outside the building, too afraid to take another step forward. They weren't the only ones though. Countless teenagers seemed to be frozen in place. It was quiet too. No one talked, they just hung together in clusters around the school yard.

Things had changed. The school's security had been doubled and uniformed policemen walked around, intending to ease the students' fears but instead, only increasing the tension. Some kids who had been injured in the shooting were still wearing casts or thick bandages, looking even more vulnerable than their peers.

Logan fiddled with his walking boot and took another quick glance around him. There wasn't a single face that wasn't filled with fear but everyone was too hesitant to talk about it. He bit his lip and looked at his friends.

Camille was clinging tightly to his arm and seemed intent on studying her shoes. Her face was white with anxiety and she was shaking just slightly. He wrapped and arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer, hoping to give her some peace of mind. She didn't say anything but she buried her head in his shoulder in silent gratitude for the comforting gesture.

Stephanie, Julie and Jo were in similar positions as Camille. Each girl was close to her boyfriend, unwilling to step away even for an instant. Stephanie's eyes were red and a little swollen from tears but she looked more at ease the instant Carlos hugged her and she even offered Logan a smile when she met his eyes. Jo looked like she would fall apart if she even attempted a smile and Julie was practically glued to James' side.

Kendall obviously wanted nothing better than to call his mom and have her come pick them up and take them back to Palm Woods. His green eyes were never still and they constantly shifted from person to person as if he was making sure that they were all still there in front of him.

Carlos, even though he had tried to put on a brave face for Stephanie, was trembling just slightly. He was clearly trying to relax but nothing he did was working and he finally took Stephanie's hand and tugged her down to the grass so he could sit. He didn't trust his legs to hold him up anymore.

James just looked awful. He hadn't slept at all the night before and the dark circles under his eyes stood out on his pale face. As far as Logan could tell, he hadn't even combed his hair at all and his clothes looked like he had slept in them.

The bell rang then and they all jumped at the unexpected noise. Nobody moved a muscle. Logan looked around him again. What were they supposed to do? How did the school board expect them to walk though the double doors as if nothing had happened? As if the last time, they walked though them, they hadn't been fearing for their lives? Then , as if his mind and body suddenly became disconnected, he took a step forward.

Instantly, every pair of eyes turned on him and he felt the weight of their stare. But he squeezed Camille's shoulder and took another step forward and then another, and then he wasn't alone and the crowd of students were slowly filing into the empty building.

The hallways were eerily silent, every footstep echoing off the walls. Logan heard someone take a sharp intake of breath but he kept walking, keeping his gaze straight ahead to his destination. Then it occurred to him that everyone was still following him despite the fact that they weren't all in the same classroom. So he stopped and turned to see them.

"See you guys around?" It was supposed to be a statement yet it came out as a question and Logan winced when he saw the reaction it received. "You know. In the hallways between classes?" He bit his lip. "James, I'll see you in lunch, okay?" He sighed in relief when James nodded and then forced a quick smile before turning and walking off.

Everyone seemed to follow his example yet again and they all set off for their own classes. The silence was nearly unbearable though and Logan wished that someone would start up a conversation even though he couldn't think of anything to say himself. He was glad when he made it to his first class and stepped inside the classroom.

He couldn't help but be surprised when he saw that nothing had changed in the room. His math teacher, Mr. Higgins was seated at his desk and gave Logan and the other students a nod as they walked in. The desks, the chairs, everything was the same. Except. . .

Logan gasped as the thought struck him and he sank down into his desk in the front of the room. He stared at the desk next to him and realized that it's former occupant, Sarah Reynolds, would never sit there again. She had been shot and killed by Andrew. He was wrong. Something had changed and he would never be able to shake her memory from his mind. Logan laid his head on the cool surface of his desk and struggled to calm himself down.

The calm facade he had been holding up for everyone else had started to slip away the minute he saw Sarah's empty chair. He had never really spoken to her. She was shy and really quiet but obviously brilliant because she was in the honors math class and just behind Logan himself at the head of the class. But regardless of how smart she had been or anything else, she hadn't deserved to die when she was only seventeen years old. Her whole life had been ahead of her and it was cut short in just a few seconds. It was too late now but Logan wished he had taken the time to get to know Sarah better.

* * *

Kendall tried to stop looking at Carlos every fifteen seconds but he couldn't help himself. He just had to make sure that his friend was still right next to him. It drove him crazy that he couldn't do the same for James and Logan and the girls. He shoved the food on his lunch tray around before he finally pushed the whole thing away. Carlos had done the same with his. Neither of them were very hungry.

Carlos sighed and laid his head on his folded arms. "I don't want to go." His voice was slightly muffled but Kendall could easily hear the fear in his words.

"Neither do I." Kendall admitted. "All I can think of is what happened last time we-" His voice broke and he had to clear his throat before he could go on. "You know." He finished lamely. The bell suddenly sounded, signaling the end of their lunch period. He flinched at the sound and sighed. "I guess we should go." He stood up.

Carlos didn't move. "Do we have to?" He looked up at Kendall, begging for him to relent and say that they could get James and Logan and the girls and leave. He wanted to go back to Palm Woods wher he felt safe and secure and he knew his friends were okay.

But Kendall held out his hand and pulled Carlos to his feet. "Come on." He said softly. "It's not going to get any easier."

Kendall was right. Carlos nodded and followed his friend to the trash cans where they dumped their full trays and walked on through the doors and down the hall. Despite his earlier show of confidence, Kendall had slowed down the instant they were back out in the quiet halls. He looked nervous and jumpy and it only made Carlos feel worse.

But just the same, they made it to the classroom and after a brief hesitation, Kendall pushed the door open and strolled in. He wanted to leave as soon as he entered and he literally had to hold onto Carlos' arm to keep him from walking out. "Just breathe." He murmured, unsure if he was talking to himself or Carlos.

A gray-haired man was seated at the teacher's desk and looked up at the sound of the opening door. He had harsh, intense blue eyes but they softened when they took in the boys. "You must be Kendall and Carlos." He stood and walked over to the boys, shaking their hands.

"How did you know?" Kendall couldn't help but ask. The man looked familiar but he couldn't quite place him.

"I'm Doctor Charles Winters." The man introduced himself. I teach the honors chemistry class. Your friend Logan is the best student I've ever had."

At the mention of Logan, Kendall and Carlos relaxed a little. "Yeah." Carlos said quietly. "Logan's always been a great student."

"Oh, he's brilliant." The teacher shook his head. "But forgive me. I should be getting to know you boys and the other students in this class better." He was quiet for a few seconds before continuing. "I'll be teaching this class for the rest of the year."

Carlos swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked back sudden tears. "Oh." He said, trying to sound polite. "Cool."

But Doctor Winters seemed to sense that they were still grieving for their lost teacher. He opened his mouth to say something but the classroom door opened again and students filed quietly in. "Why don't you have a seat, boys." He told them quietly, before he turned back to his class.

Carlos sank down into the stool as much as he could. The room was so quiet that if someone had actually dropped a pin, the noise would have sounded like a clap of thunder. He felt Kendall next to him and lifted his head up from the shelter of his folded arms.

Doctor Winters stood in front of the desk, looking over the students. "I knew Doctor Hawthorne for the three years that he worked here as a teacher." He finally said, quietly. "He was both intelligent and passionate. Such a combination is rare in teachers these days. You were all incredibly fortunate to be taught by him even if it was only for a short time." He glanced out the window at the shinning sun and then back at them. "On the day his life ended, he showed that he was not only a great teacher, but a great man as well. He'd be proud of all of you for having the courage to return today."

Kendall gripped the pencil in his hand so tightly that it snapped in half. But he didn't even notice. All he could think of was Doctor Hawthorne. He had left behind his wife and baby girl. He had left behind family and friends and nothing would make his death remotely okay. He wished he had thanked the man for being such a good teacher and making the boring and difficult subject of chemistry seem interesting and easy. He had died protecting his students and Kendall would never forget him.

Doctor Winters wasn't done talking though. "I understand that today is difficult for all of you. It is difficult for me as well. We've suffered a great loss, some greater than others. Some of us have lost a brother or a sister, or maybe even a parent. But I truly believe that if we help one another, then we can eventually move on together, if everyone is willing."

"I will be your teacher for the remainder of the school year until the board can find someone more appropriate. You may know that I also teach honors chemistry. It may take us a while to get used to each other so instead of jumping right back into chemistry, I thought we'd spend today getting to know each other if that's all right with you." The teacher smiled a little as his suggestion received nods from every student in the classroom. A sign of life.

Carlos felt the tension in the room slowly ease the more their new teacher spoke. He wasn't Doctor Hawthorne but he was so alike the deceased man. He cared about his students. Maybe everything would be okay after all. He glanced at Kendall and knew that his friend was thinking the same thing. So he sat up a little in his stool and listened to Doctor Winters' calm voice as he talked.

* * *

"Are you going to be okay, James?" Logan asked doubtfully. He rose slowly to his feet and picked up his untouched lunch tray. He hadn't eaten. James hadn't eaten. He would bet anything that Kendall and Carlos hadn't eaten either.

James shrugged. He felt like he was going to be sick or maybe even pass out. He wondered which would be better and settled on passing out. Throwing up was gross and messy. And if he passed out he wouldn't have to think while he was unconscious. "I guess we'll find out." He tried to smile at Logan but his friend didn't buy the act.

"Maybe you should skip." Logan suggested. "I mean. . ." He trailed off. "Are you even ready?" He didn't dare voice his real thoughts. He didn't want James to go the room where everything had started and ended at the same time.

"Don't worry about me, Logan." James told him. "Just take care of yourself, okay?"

Logan merely glared at him as the two walked out of the lunchroom. He stopped and played with the straps of his backpack, stalling for time. "See you, James." He mumbled. "Be careful." He watched as James nodded and then walked off to his study hall room. Logan shivered a little and then turned in the opposite direction to his English class, trying to subdue the sudden panic that he felt.

It took all of James' willpower to keep walking away from Logan and into his study hall room. There were a handful of other kids already there and he chose a seat by himself and opened his textbook and stared at the pages, trying to distract himself and actually study.

He was shaking. He couldn't stop the trembling that started at his finger tips and spread throughout his entire body. He tried to think of what Logan would tell him and took a deep breath, struggling to relax. It wasn't working. He laid his forehead on the desk and squeezed his eyes shut. He felt incredibly dizzy and his heart thudded painfully in his chest. He heard a girl in the background start to cry quietly and what little control he had began to slip away from him.

Just then the classroom door opened again and slammed shut. James bolted up in his chair, searching for the source of the sound. But it was only Mr. Bryant, the teacher in charge that morning. _Just relax!_ He told himself. Nothing was going to happen. The school's security was so tight that the number of policemen had started to annoy him. But it scared him more than anything else. Would it be enough to stop another tragedy from occurring?

Someone was talking to me. James heard a voice saying his name from a long distance away but he couldn't bring himself to concentrate enough to make sense of the words. He wanted to go home. More than anything. He wanted to be back in Minnesota in his stupid little school where nothing exciting ever happened. He wanted his friends with him.

It was getting harder and harder for James to breath properly. The panic was nearly suffocating him even though he knew he had no reason to be freaking out. He couldn't stand it for much longer. He didn't just _want_ to see his friends. He _needed _to see them. He needed to make sure that they were okay because unless they were right next to him, he couldn't tell.

James stood up to leave the room but his legs refused to hold him and he fell to his knees. He just wanted the day to be over.

**A/N. Was that a cliffhanger? My bad. I'm trying to wean myself of them especially in this particular story. It's not working. Just call me Madame Cliffhanger, okay? Okay. And hey, what do you know? This is the first chapter in a while that I actually liked! YAY! I hope you liked it too! Please review!**


	20. Home Again

**A/N. I usually try to take turns updating my stories but I have Writer's Block with 'Triangle' and I left off C19 with a cliffhanger so I'll just go ahead with C20. Yay! I don't own anything.**

Logan winced but tightened his hold on his pencil anyway. His hands, especially his right, were aching after a full day of holding pencils and carrying books. It didn't seem like that big of a deal but Logan's hands were still healing. As he sat in his English class after lunch, he wished he had thought to stop at the nurse's office for some Tylenol. It was too late for that now though, so he sucked in a deep breath and willed his fingers to last just a little longer.

Ironically, it actually wasn't all that hard to distract himself from the pain in his hands. Because the nauseating fear that had been lurking all day had started to consume him. In just a few minutes, it would be the same time the shooting had started weeks ago. And James-

Logan tried to shove the memory away by staring at the text in his book until the black letters started to blur slightly. He didn't want to think about that day. But ignoring the memory wasn't just difficult. Earlier it had been difficult. Now it was impossible.

One glance around the room told Logan that he wasn't the only one struggling. No one was paying attention to the teacher, not even the teacher herself. They sat tense and motionless with a glassy expression in their eyes. Nobody seemed real. Logan shivered, wondering if he looked the same.

Just then there was a knock at the door and Logan snapped his head around to see a rather breathless looking girl standing in the doorway. Without bothering to explain herself, the girl looked right at him. "Logan, it''s James."

She was saying something else but Logan was already out of his seat, knocking his open backpack over and spilling its contents all over the floor. He stumbled over the straps, caught himself, and then rushed clumsily over to the girl. "What happened?" He demanded as the two of them left the classroom, ignoring the stares. It occurred to him that he didn't even know who this girl was but he didn't care. He only cared about his friends for the time being and something had happened to James.

"We were. . . in study hall." The girl spoke hesitantly and Logan questioned the school's decision to open that room ever again. "It was hard for everyone. A lot of people started to cry and then James. . ." She trailed off and looked at Logan. "He just freaked out. He was shaking and crying and talking. And our teacher couldn't get his attention. James was saying you name and Kendall and Carlos and Andrew. So the teacher told some of us to get you guys. Maybe you can calm him down."

Logan's foot protested as he picked up his pace but he didn't care. The girl hurried after him and then ran on ahead to the stupid study hall room and swung the heavy door open and held it for Logan. He limped clumsily past her to see that Kendall and Carlos were already there, trying desperately to calm James down.

James was panicking. Even with Kendall and Carlos repeating his name over and over again, it was clear that he was only partly aware of their presence. His face held no color and his eyes were wide in terror. Tears were running down his cheeks and as Logan neared them, he could hear his friend pleading with Kendall and Carlos.

"Where's Logan? You guys have to find Logan. Andrew's going to hurt him."

"James, listen to me!" Kendall's voice shook in fear. "You need to calm down. Andrew isn't here."

James shook his head violently. "He's going to hurt Logan." He insisted. "That's why he's not here. That's why Logan's not here. We have to help him." His voice was steadily rising with each word and his breathing was becoming more ragged by the second.

Logan dropped to his knees with his friends, right in front of James. "James," He breathed. "James, can you hear me?"

But James had buried his head in his arms and was sobbing too hard for Logan's words to reach his ears. "We need to help him. Why can't you listen to me? Andrew-"

"James!" Logan shouted into his friend's ear. He gripped James' arms and tugged them away from his body. "James, look at me! I'm right here. It's me. Logan."

"Logan's right here, James." Carlos babbled frantically. "See? He's right here!"

At last they had James' attention. "Logan?" He whispered hoarsely.

Logan bit his lip as James suddenly had his hands in a painful grip. "Yes, James. It's me. I'm here now. Just breath, okay? Try to relax."

"Where were you?" James said in a shaky voice. "Kendall came and then Carlos came. But you were taking so long too come and I thought Andrew was trying to hurt you again."

"James, Andrew isn't here." Logan said carefully. "He's in jail. Remember?"

James looked confused then. "He's not here?"

"No." Logan shook his head firmly to emphasize his statement. James still hadn't released his grip on Logan's hands and the pain in his fingers had settled into a numb feeling but Logan didn't worry about them. "Listen, James. Every ting is okay. Everyone is safe. Kendall is right here, Carlos is right here, and I'm right here. We're all right here with you."

"But you weren't." James insisted. "What took you so long, Logan?"

The girl stepped forward a little. "That was my fault." She said, nervously. "When I ran out to get you, Logan, I wasn't thinking straight and I couldn't find your classroom. I had to ask someone." Tears had filled her eyes and she looked apologetically at the four boys. "I'm really sorry."

"It's okay." Logan was quick to assure her. Then he looked back at James. "It's okay, James. We're all here now."

James nodded but the panicked look still didn't leave his eyes. "I want to go home." He said quietly. "Please. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't be here. I need to go home."

Logan nodded. "Okay, James. Kendall, call your mom and have her pick us up as soon as possible." He ran his eyes over James, inspecting him from head to toe for any injuries. To his relief, James was unhurt and he even seemed to be calming down a little bit. "Do you want to go outside?" He asked.

James nodded wordlessly and Logan pulled him to his feet. It was then that James noticed the tight grip he still had on Logan's hands and he released them, looking upset all over again. "Did I hurt you? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Don't worry about it, James." Logan interrupted. "I'll be okay." He suddenly realized that they had an audience and he looked at the teacher. "We're leaving." He tried to sound convincing in case the teacher didn't let them go but he sounded pathetic and scared. When the teacher nodded, Logan looked at Kendall and Carlos and wrapping an arm around James, he led his friends out of the room.

The fresh air felt good on his face and Logan collapsed weakly to the green grass on the front lawn. It had just hit him where they had been. The room where everything had started. He understood why James had panicked the way he did and he hated himself for letting his friend even go in the first place. He put a hand on the taller boy's shoulder. "James, are you okay?" He was afraid to hear the answer.

James hadn't stopped shaking but it was much more subdued now. "I'm better." He finally said. Then a blush heated up his pale face. "I'm sorry. I just- I was sitting there and I was trying to concentrate, but all I could think about was what happened and then you guys weren't there and I needed you. And I freaked out. No matter what I did, I couldn't calm down. I should have known that you were all okay but I didn't. I just panicked."

"It's over now, James." Kendall said softly, unspeakably grateful that James was talking to them again. He held up his cell phone. "My mom is coming now, okay? She'll be here soon."

"I'm sorry." James rubbed his tear stained face with a shaky hand. "I didn't mean to scare you guys."

Carlos gave him a small smile. "Don't worry about us, James. We're just glad that you're going to be okay."

Logan nodded. "Listen. Let's just go home and relax. We won't worry about school or anything. We can watch a movie or play a game or go to the pool. Anything you want to do, okay?"

Instead of responding to Logan's comforting offer, James looked at his friend. "I hurt your hands, didn't I?" He asked in a guilty tone. "Because I was freaking out."

"They don't hurt that bad." Logan lied, even though he knew that James wouldn't believe him. When he saw that his friend's expression never changed, he sighed. "Yeah, they hurt but I'll be fine. No harm done. I promise."

James nodded. "Okay."

Kendall looked up. "My mom's here." He told them.

Logan stood and helped James to his feet and walked over to the car. "Kendall, can you text Camille for me and ask her to bring my backpack home? I left in in my English class."

Kendall nodded and pulled out his cell phone. "I'll ask all of them." He said as he skillfully sent the girls a quick message. "None of us have our stuff."

"I'm sorry." James said again, hanging his head in shame. "I ruined everything, didn't I?"

"You didn't ruin a thing, James." Kendall shook his head. "Honestly? I'm glad that we're going home. I don't think we were ready."

"I know I wasn't." James said bitterly.

"I don't think anyone was ready." Carlos said quietly. They lapsed into silence for the rest of the ride home, taking comfort in each others presence.

When they arrived back at Palm Woods, Kendall glanced at James. "What do you want to do?" He asked.

"I'm tired." James sighed. "I don't think I slept at all last night."

"Let's head up to the apartment then." Logan suggested. They all nodded and made their way to the elevators.

Once inside Apartment 2J, James went straight to his room and collapsed on his bed. Logan followed and sat down on the edge of the mattress. "Here." He said, handing James a small pill. "It's just Benadryl. It'll help you sleep."

"Is it okay for me to be doing this?" James asked uncertainly.

Logan nodded. "We've both done it before when we've had a lot of trouble with insomnia, remember? Just promise me you won't start relying on them okay? I'm only giving you this because I think you need the rest really badly."

James took the pill with a glass of water and then laid back down. "Logan?" He asked in a small voice. "Will I be okay? What if that happens again?"

"It's actually pretty normal for someone to have a panic attack like yours after something traumatic." Logan assured him. "You've been okay up until now so let's not get ahead of ourselves and worry about anything we don't need to. Let's just take one day at a time." He got up and started to leave the room.

"Wait." James' voice sounded pathetic, even to his own ears. "Don't leave. Can you guys stay here until I fall asleep?"

Logan felt his eyes fill suddenly but he nodded. "I'll be right back. I'm just going to get Carlos and Kendall." He left and returned with their other friends before James could register that he was ever gone.

Kendall sat at James' desk and pretended to rearrange the items on the desk, knowing that all of the attention embarrassed James. Carlos plopped down on the bean bag in the corner and curled up, falling asleep almost instantly. Logan sat on the floor, his back propped up against James' bed and shut his eyes, grateful that they were all home.

James felt the Benadryl beginning to affect him and he took one more look around his room, to see that all of his friends were still there, before he closed his eyes and fell into the deep, dreamless sleep that he had needed so badly.

**A/N. The end of another chapter. Did you like it? Please review!**


	21. Just When You Think You're Safe

**A/N. Okay. I could be wrong but I think I can wrap this story up at thirty chapters. But I'm really horrible at setting limits for my stories so I could also be way off. We shall see. I don't own anything.**

Kendall rearranged the pencils of James' desk for the sixth time then let his gaze wander around the room, resting on each of his friends for just long enough so that he was sure they were safe.

Carlos was still curled up in James' bean bag chair, snoring softly. His position made him look even smaller than usual and without his helmet, he looked extremely vulnerable. But he looked peaceful at the same time.

Kendall frowned when he saw Logan. He was propped up against the side of James' bed and fast asleep. He was going to wake up with an awfully stiff neck if he didn't move. Even though he was a light sleeper, Logan never moved around very much so Kendall quietly moved from his chair and as gently as possible, moved Logan so that his head rested on the soft carpet in a more comfortable position.

He stood up and reached for an extra pillow for Logan to rest on but stopped to study James. He sighed and his frown deepened. James' breakdown earlier that day had scared Kendall to death. James never panicked. At least not when he was concerned. He was too confident for that. But today, he had been on the floor, sobbing in complete terror when Kendall had reached him. And then he couldn't get through to him because he wanted Carlos and Logan to be there too. He needed all of them so much that it frightened Kendall.

Now James looked much more at ease. He was sleeping peacefully, thanks to Logan's careful assessment of him and solution. He still looked incredibly tired though and Kendall, who had been grateful for the fact that Logan had started sleeping soundly, mentally kicked himself for forgetting all about James.

"I'm sorry." He said softly, wanting to say more but not wanting to disturb James' much needed rest. He slid a pillow from the bed and then carefully lifted Logan's head and set it on the floor. Then he sighed again and moved back to his place at James' desk.

They were all so broken. Carlos was timid and quiet, something Kendall hated. He wanted Carlos to start bouncing off the walls again and getting excited about Fish Stick Friday and every other little thing that drove Kendall crazy but he loved because that was who Carlos was. Logan was going to therapy and taking antidepressants for crying out loud. Because they had let him slip so far away that they almost never got him back. James, despite the fact that he had almost died, had somehow slipped under the radar and everyone's concern. And Kendall himself. He was lost again. He couldn't give his friends all the help they needs and it killed him. He wanted to be the strong leader that they depended on. But he couldn't. They had all fallen together this time. It was comforting and scary at the same time.

It was also comforting to know that they weren't the only ones scarred by the tragedy. There had been others. Many others. And some of them had suffered an irreplaceable loss. Kendall shivered at the thought and looked at his friends again. They were alive.

As if to prove his point, Logan stirred and opened his eyes. His gaze instantly met Kendall's and he sat up, rubbing his sore neck. "Are you okay?" He whispered, not wanting to wake James and Carlos up.

Kendall nodded. "Yeah. I'm okay. I was just thinking."

Logan drew his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. "About what?" He asked, still watching Kendall closely.

"A lot of things." Kendall told him honestly. "You guys, the shooting, school. . ." He trailed off.

"The trial?" Logan guessed. "Because I've been thinking about the trial. A lot. It's mostly what I think of lately, you know? Because school. . . well, that didn't work out very well, did it?" He glanced over his shoulder at James who was still fast asleep and sighed.

"Do you know what's going to happen at the trial?" Kendall couldn't help asking.

"Basically, they're going to ask a lot of the students and teachers what happened." Logan looked down. "Andrew's lawyer will probably try to get him off with a plea of guilty and temporary insanity."

"Are you kidding?" Kendall caught himself before he spoke to loudly. "Can they actually do that? I mean, that doesn't seem right."

Logan rolled his eyes. "That's the justice system, Kendall. It's screwed up." He tried to speak in an offhand manner but his shaking voice betrayed him.

Kendall moved from his chair to the floor besides Logan. "Do you think it'll work?"

"I don't know." Logan shrugged. "It could go either way. I'd like to think that everyone will be testifying against him, that Andrew won't stand a chance." He looked at Kendall. "But a lot of innocent people go to jail and a lot of guilty people go free."

"That's messed up." Kendall ran a hand through his hair. He didn't know what else to say. He had never really doubted that Andrew would be seen as guilty by the jury and locked away where he could never hurt anyone ever again. But Logan knew more than he did and his explanation made sense in a twisted way. "How can-" He broke off and shook his head. "I don't get it."

"Neither do I." Logan admitted. "I'd like to believe that everything will go smoothly but there's no way of knowing for sure. We just have to wait and see."

Kendall suddenly wondered if he should continue the conversation. He studied Logan intently, looking for the shadows but there were none to be found. The younger boy only seemed to be in deep thought. "What scares you the most?" He heard himself ask.

"The defense attorney." Logan replied immediately. "He's going to do everything possible to scare us on the witness stand. He's going to make us look like the bad guys."

"That's impossible." Kendall scoffed. "We didn't do anything to Andrew."

Logan was silent as he thought of Andrew's own words to him and James. "We never did anything _for _Andrew either." He said, softly. "No one was his friend. Everyone either ignored him or bullied him. That's a big reason why stuff like this happens, Kendall. Because no one cares until it's too late."

"Is that what Andrew's lawyer is going to do?" Kendall asked.

Logan nodded. "It's entirely possible that Andrew could have snapped for just long enough to shoot up the school. His lawyer will paint him as the victim and us as the. . . whatever."

"Will we have to talk?"

"Probably. I mean, James and I definitely will have to." Logan frowned at the thought. "I'm worried about James up there." He confessed to Kendall. "We'll have to talk about it and it won't be easy."

Kendall groaned. "I hate all of this so much." He whispered. "I can't do anything to stop it and help you guys."

"You are helping us." Logan was quick to reassure him.

"Not as much as I want to." Kendall muttered. "Look at what happened to James today."

"I told James that it's not unusual for someone to have a panic attack about a traumatic event in their life." Logan told him. "I mean, he was in the room again where Andrew first started shooting. I'm surprised the whole room wasn't freaking out when we got there. If I was the principal I'd have that room demolished."

Kendall looked up in surprise at Logan's blunt words. "Really?" He smiled when Logan nodded. "I like that idea. We should start a petition."

"I don't even want to go back at all." The fire in Logan's eyes died and he drew closer to Kendall. "I just can't see how we're going to get past all of this."

"The same way we made it past anything." Kendall put a comforting arm around his friend's shoulders. "Together."

"I know." Logan sighed. "I also know that there's no way I could make it through this on my own. So I'm glad we're together. It's still scary to think about. I never want to set foot in that school again."

"Maybe we can figure something else out." Kendall suggested. "I don't know what exactly. Any options?"

The tense look in Logan's eyes relaxed a little as he considered Kendall's question. "We could always switch schools. Um, we could get home schooled." He smiled a little. "I'd be willing to help you guys. I think we could do it. We'd just have to work really hard. Especially now since everything got put on hold for so long." He rolled his eyes. "Again."

"At least we're all alive and for the most part healthy." Kendall pointed out softly.

"Very true." Logan sighed. "That's always nice."

"It's pretty terrific if you ask me." Both boys jumped at the sound of Carlos' voice. He grinned at their reaction and dragged his bean bag over to join them. "Don't get me wrong, Logie but I like you shot and broken better than when you were sick." His voice trembled a little. "At lease we know for sure that you're going to be okay."

Logan had to blink back the tears that came to his eyes. "Thanks, Carlos." He said with a small smile. "Me too."

"See?" Kendall grinned at Carlos. "We've got you outnumbered, Logan."

"Gee, thanks so much for ganging up on me." Logan returned goodnaturedly. "It would be nice if I could have someone on my side."

"I'll be on your side." James sat up and looked around sleepily. "What are we doing?"

"Carlos and I are trying to convince Logan that it doesn't matter if it's taking a little long to finish our senior year." Kendall said.

James blinked. "Oh. Well, sorry Logan, I'm going to have to side with Carlos and Kendall too."

"How are you feeling, James?" Logan switched the light hearted topic to a more serious one as he watched James in concern.

"Better." James nodded. "I really needed the sleep and it's nice to be home." He sighed and slid off the bed to sit on the floor with his friends. "I feel kind of stupid now though." He glanced down at his hands in embarrassment.

"Don't." Kendall shook his head. "Nobody can blame you, James. It makes horrible sense."

"Still." James looked from his hands to Logan's. "I hurt you."

"You didn't know, James." Logan said patiently. "You were having a panic attack for crying out loud." He carefully unwound the thin bandages that he wrapped around his hands every day. "See? They're fine."

But in James' eyes, the palms were a little more swollen and red than normal. He gently touched one with his fingertips, snatching his hand away when Logan flinched. "I'm-"

"It's okay." Logan shut his eyes for a second. "They're mostly sore because I was using them all morning long. It sounds a little silly but it's hard to hold a pencil for as long as I need to."

"I sure didn't make it any better." James said regretfully.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Well, you didn't make them worse so stop making something it's not."

"I'll try." James managed a small smile. "But next time, stop me okay?"

"Well, hopefully there won't be a next time." Logan said optimistically. He rewound the bandages and continued speaking. "I have a question." He said slowly.

"And that is?" Carlos watched him curiously.

Logan finished wrapping his hands and looked up. "Do you think you guys would be able to discipline yourselves to do all of your school work if you needed to? Like, no teachers telling you what to do I mean."

All three of the boys nodded. "Why would we have to?" Kendall asked in confusion.

Logan shrugged. "We're all nineteen. Technically we're adults. We could home school ourselves if we really wanted to."

James sat up and stared at him. "Are you serious?" He demanded. "We can do that?"

"Yeah." Logan smiled to see James so eager for once and nodded. "We'd have to sign up for a program and they'd send us assignments and everything but we could do it. I could help you guys." A haunted look crossed his face. "I can't go back there." He said quietly. "Today was too hard. I just kept thinking about all the kids and the teachers who died and how I never really got to know any of them. It's too late now." He glanced at James. "And I'm afraid of leaving you guys again. Not everywhere. Just. . . there."

James nodded in agreement. "I feel the same way." He sighed. "Especially that whole study hall thing."

"I heard a lot of kids already dropped out." Carlos volunteered.

"See, the thing is," Logan looked around. "I know that we shouldn't give up so easily. But if we stopped then it would be one less thing to worry about." He gently rubbed his temples, trying to fight back a headache. "I feel weak for saying this but I just don't want to deal with that stress."

"Well then, you don't have to, Logan." Kendall said firmly. He was relieved that Logan was being honest about the whole school mess. "We'll just drop out and home school ourselves if you think we can."

Logan suddenly looked so relaxed that Kendall wished he had really known how much school had been stressing him out. He certainly didn't need it. "I know we can." He said, a hint of the old know-it-all confidence back in his voice.

"All right then." Kendall smiled and stood up. "Let's go talk to my mom then. And I'm sure Carlos and James have to clear it with their parents too." He pulled Carlos and James to their feet and then took Logan's lower arm to help him up.

The four boys left the bedroom to find Mrs. Knight seated at the counter, looking distracted. "Mom?" Kendall asked hesitantly. "We have something we want to ask you. Is everything okay?"

Mrs. Knight, in response, slid an official looking envelope across the counter to her son. "This came in the mail today." She practically whispered.

Kendall frowned and picked the envelope up, taking out a single sheet of paper. His green eyes scanned the text and grew wide when they began to make sense. "Oh." He said faintly. "That. . . I was wondering when this would happen."

"What is it?" Logan asked with dread in his voice. He was pretty sure that he knew what it was yet some part of him was desperate to cling to hope.

"The trial is a month from today." Kendall answered. He let the paper slide from between his fingers and they all watched as it floated slowly to the floor and came to rest at their feet.

**A/N. I really cannot give them a break can I? Wow. Anyway, this is where the angst picks up all over again. Good times. Review?**


	22. When Will It End?

**A/N. I live! And right now I'm using my stories as a distraction from school because I just turned in a research paper for my literature class and let's just say that it was really big and important and I feel like throwing up every time I think about it. ANYWAY. I don't own anything.**

"Do you understand it now?"

Carlos bit his bottom lip and slowly shook his head, being careful to avoid Logan's gaze. He felt his face flush red in humiliation and he wanted to just sink beneath the floor boards and pretend the book in front of him didn't exist. "No. Not at all." He finally said.

Logan sighed but not out of frustration with Carlos. He was more frustrated with himself and the fact that he couldn't help his friend. "Okay." He said slowly. "Let's try it again."

But Carlos only shook his head again. "Logan, you're just wasting your time." He started to push the book away. "Why don't you go help Kendall or James? They're smarter than me. Actually, they probably don't even need your help. Then you can do your own school work."

Logan stopped Carlos clumsily with his hand. "Carlos, take it easy on yourself, okay? No one is perfect. Everyone has trouble with something. James has trouble with history, Kendall has trouble with science and you have trouble with math."

"What you you have trouble with then?" Carlos asked miserably.

A small smile crossed Logan's tired face. "Right now? You." He elbowed Carlos gently then nodded at the text book that still lay open in front of him. "Come on. Practice makes perfect."

"Logan-" Carlos started to protest again.

"Carlos, seriously. You're not wasting my time with your struggles. That's not your fault. But you are wasting my time with how easily you're giving up." Logan stared at his friend, trying to understand. "You were never a quitter, Carlos. Why the sudden change?"

"Because it's hurting you!" Carlos exclaimed unexpectedly. "And you already have enough to think about. The trial, your school work. . . ." His voice trailed off into a shaky whisper. "And your therapy sessions. So you don't need me making your life more complicated."

"You don't really think that you're complicating my life do you?" Logan asked in disbelief. When he only received a shrug in response he spoke up again. "Remember when I was sick and my dad left?" Carlos flinched at the painful memory but he nodded and Logan kept talking. Remember when it was my birthday and Kendall asked me how I was okay with everything? Do you remember what I said?"

"I. . ." Carlos glanced down his his hands folded in his lap. "Yes."

"What did I say?"

Carlos shook his head. "Logan, don't make me say it." He pleaded.

"Say it." Came Logan's short reply.

Carlos felt tears filling his eyes and running down his cheeks. "You said you wanted to kill yourself." He whispered, feeling like each word was tearing him apart from the inside.

Logan was momentarily swayed by Carlos' tears but he forced himself to remain steady. "Yeah. I did. So why didn't I?"

Carlos was silent for a long time before he finally answered. "Because of us." His voice shook so badly that he could barely get the three words out.

Logan nodded. "Exactly. You three are why I didn't kill myself that day. You're also the reason I beat the cancer and the reason I'm alive today. You're not complicating my life, Carlos. Not at all. You three saved my life."

"But your hands." Carlos protested weakly.

"They're getting better every day." Logan said firmly. He flexed his fingers slowly. "See? I couldn't do that a couple of weeks ago." He dropped a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "I want to help you, Carlos. Okay?"

Carlos nodded and opened his mouth to speak but before he could get any words out, Logan had him in a tight embrace. He quickly returned the gesture and felt the heavy burden on his shoulders lift just slightly. "Thanks, Logan." His voice was slightly muffled but he didn't care. "I needed that."

"I figured you did." Logan drew away and smiled. "So are you ready to try again?"

His confidence restored, Carlos nodded in determination. "Yeah."

"Good." Logan sounded relieved. "I was afraid I would have to call Kendall in to keep the pep talk going."

Carlos laughed.

Logan grinned. "All right." He slowly picked up his pencil and tapped the page to indicate the problem that had been given them so much trouble.

They tried half a dozen more times before Carlos' eyes finally lit up with understanding. "I get it!" He exclaimed triumphantly.

"Yes!" Logan grinned and held up a hand. "See, I told you!"

Carlos lifted his hand to high-five Logan but froze in mid-air.

"Hey, you can't hurt me that easily." Logan protested with a small smile.

Carlos hesitated and then as gently as possibly touched his palm to Logan's, keeping an eye on his friend's face for any sign that the small amount of contact would hurt him. To his relief, no pain clouded Logan's dark brown eyes and Carlos grinned again. "Ready to help me with the next problem?" He asked, hopefully.

But before Logan could reply, there was at knock at the door and both boys turned to see Kendall walk in. His eyes were troubled and downcast but he made himself look at his two friends as he spoke. "Mr. Lewis is here." He mumbled softly.

Carlos could feel Logan tense beside him, the earlier ease gone the moment Kendall's words had been spoken. "Now?" He could hear the fear in his own voice and he glanced at his watch to buy more time. "Isn't he a little early?"

Kendall shrugged. "Five minutes early I guess."

"Let's go." Logan took a deep breath and stood up. He glanced at Carlos who was still sitting at the desk with a worried expression on his face. "Come on, Carlos. The sooner the better."

He was right as usual so Carlos nodded and stood up, then followed Logan and Kendall out into the family room. James was already sitting on the orange couch, his expression carefully blank. Katie watched from on top of the swirly slide as her mother served a steaming cup of tea to a strange man in a neat business suit.

He was much younger then Carlos had expected, early thirties at the most. As the three boys walked in and joined James, he looked up and smiled at them. "Hello, boys. I'm Ron Lewis, your lawyer for the upcoming trial." He nodded at James. "I've already met James here, how about the rest of you?"

Logan held out a hand. "I'm Logan Mitchell." He said quietly.

The other boys tensed when Ron Lewis reached out a hand to Logan's but relaxed when his touch was light and gentle. It was obvious he knew most of what had happened to all of them. "Pleased to meet you, Logan. I hope you're feeling better."

Logan nodded. "Every day." He told the lawyer, just as much for his benefit as for his friends'.

"Good." The young man then turned and looked questioningly at Kendall and Carlos.

"Carlos Garcia." Carlos said promptly.

"And I'm Kendall Knight." Kendall broke from his temporary frozen trance and shook the man's hand.

"It's nice to meet all of you." Ron took a sip from his tea and smiled warmly at Mrs. Knight. "Very good, thank you."

"My pleasure." Lacy Knight returned his smile. "Is there anything else I can get for you? What about you boys?"

The boys all shook their heads and glanced at Mr. Lewis who did the same thing. "No thank you." He set his tea aside and drew his briefcase closer to him. "I'd like to get started if that's okay with you." He looked around the room for everyone's approval.

James had absolutely no desire to talk about what had happened the day of the shooting, and what would happen at the trial. He also knew that his friends all felt the same way but there was nothing any of them could do. So they nodded.

"All right." All eyes were on the man as he spoke. "How many of you are familiar with any type of legal proceedings?"

Logan alone raised his hand. "I don't know that much either." He admitted quickly. "I've only read a few books about the basics. You know, how everything works. I don't really know how things work for specific types of cases."

Ron nodded understandingly. "Okay, good." He leaned forward and look at all of the boys. "Any questions before we get started?" No one moved much less spoke. The lawyer nodded again and took a deep breath.

"The jury will be selected by both the prosecution and the defense for the best chance of a fair trial. No one on the jury is allowed to have any relationship whatsoever with anyone that might take the stand. That way we can rule out as much prejudice as possible. Unfortunately, nothing in the justice system is air-tight."

"What does that mean?" Kendall broke in.

"It simply means that no matter how hard the court will try, or the jury for that matter, everyone will have a biased opinion of the case." Mr. Lewis tried to explain.

Kendall snorted in disgust. "So does that mean that some people in the jury will think that it was okay for Andrew to murder nine people?"

"Those people will most likely sympathize with the fact that Andrew was bullied for the majority of his school life." Mr. Lewis said evenly. "Look, Kendall. Before you can say anything else, I agree with you."

"You don't even know what I was going to say." Kendall muttered ignoring the warning look from his mother.

"I had an idea." Ron returned. "I agree that there are people in this world with questionable opinions."

"Questionable opinions?" Kendall wanted to calm down but the more Ron talked, the more agitated he became. "He got bullied and then he turned around and _killed _nine people and hurt plenty of others. How is anybody with a brain in their skulls going to side with him?"

"Relax." Logan muttered as he stared at his shoes.

"Kendall, listen." The lawyer had yet to lose his calm demeanor though Kendall's had been steadily slipping. "The odds are against Andrew. But you never know for sure. I'm just preparing you to know that it might not be as easy as you think it might be."

Kendall sat up. "I know that it's not going to be easy. I know it's not going to be easy for everyone to go up and talk about how they almost died right in front of the guy who tried to kill them."

Despite the fact that Kendall's voice was getting louder every time he spoke, Ron's own voice was still quiet and calm. "I'm not talking about that, Kendall."

"What are you talking about then?"

Logan looked up. "It's what I told you the other day. The idea that Andrew and his lawyer will plead guilty and they get him off by reasons of temporary insanity. We know you don't like it, Kendall, but that's the way things will most likely work."

"If what Logan says about Andrew saying he was insane is true, is the other thing also true?" Carlos asked, quietly.

"What was the other thing?" Ron asked, patiently.

Carlos was quiet at first. "He said that everyone else will get intimidated and made to seem like the bad guys."

To their dismay, Ron nodded. "Absolutely." He said. "The defense will play the victim card as much as possible."

"Logie, how about you forget about being a doctor and become a lawyer instead? Maybe you'll bring some justice to the world."

Logan jumped. "James," He said in surprise. "I almost forgot you were here."

James smiled a little. "Well, you guys seem to be asking and answering all of my questions so I've just been listening." His smile disappeared and he turned to Ron. "What will it be like being up on the witness stand?"

"To start with, you swear to tell the truth." Ron's gaze was serious. "If you lie and you get caught, then that could mean big trouble for your side. I want all of you to be perfectly honest and answer every single question you're asked." He waited until the boys nodded then went on. "You'll probably have to tel your side of the story at least twice, once to the prosecution and once to the defense. The questions will be the same, but phrased differently so think before you answer."

The lawyer watched them all as he spoke. He told them all he could think of to prepare them for what lay ahead. Then as he was wrapping up, he made sure that their attention was on him. "I'll say this one more time because I honestly can't say it enough. When you're up on the witness stand testifying, and the defense is asking you the questions, don't let them get to you. Andrew's lawyer is going to try and get inside your head, intimidate you, and make you question things that you used to be sure of. He's going to make you doubt yourself. Just look at me, or your friends, or anyone else that's on your side and not at them."

Ron stood up, gripping his briefcase in one hand and offering his free hand for the boys to shake once again. "If you have any questions, you have my card. Call me whenever." He tried to give them a reassuring smile. "I'll see you all in two weeks if not before."

They all managed weak goodbyes and thank yous and then sank back into the couch. James sighed. "Logan, seriously. You should be a lawyer."

Logan laughed but the sound was pathetic to his own ears. "I'll think about it, James." He promised. "How does that sound?"

James shrugged lightly. "I guess it'll have to do." He tried to joke but the humor fell flat and the boys lapsed into silence.

Finally, Mrs. Knight spoke up once again. "Well, boys, are you hungry? Do any of you remember what today is?"

"Fish Stick Friday!" Carlos' enthusiasm was a little forced but he had started to relax a little. He sat up and grinned. "Suddenly, I'm starving."

Kendall stood up to help his mom and sister with the plates. "I'm sorry if I was a little rude earlier." He said quietly to his mother as she folded some napkins and handed them to him. "I'm just worried."

Mrs. Knight put a hand on his shoulder and looked up at him. "Look at you. You're so grown up now. You'll always be my little boy though. I'm proud of you for being such a good son and brother and friend. But some things are out of your control, Kendall. It's okay to be scared of those things."

Kendall nodded mutely and let his mother kiss him on the cheek before he moved on to set the napkins on the table. He let his thoughts drift to the last few years of his life and when he was done, recalling all of the memories, both good and bad, he decided on one thing: He was tired of being scared.

**A/N. Well. That was. . . depressing. Ahem. Anyway. I'm done for now. I might work on the next chapter of 'Triangle' tonight. We'll see how the rest of my day goes. I'll try to update sooner next time but life has been a little stressful. Also. I have the most annoying urge to post one of my future fics now instead of later. Tell me not to do it. It's going to be epic and I want to wait until everything else is done so I can devote all of my creative writing powers on it. So. Please review!**


	23. We All Have Our Scars

**A/N. I feel like such a screw-up, failure, loser right now. School and work and family issues. It's too much right now. I don't own anything.**

Logan woke to a gentle hand on his shoulder. It gave him another small shake and he pried open his eyes, feeling like he had just gone to sleep. Through his blurry eyesight he could just make out Kendall's face watching him in concern. He yawned and stretched carefully. "Is it time to get up already?" He mumbled, wanting nothing more than to pull the covers over his head and sleep for a few more days.

Kendall nodded regretfully. "Yeah. I came in here earlier and you were sleeping. Since you had trouble getting to sleep last night I didn't want to wake you up right away so I tried to leave you alone as long as possibly." He sounded apologetic which was ridiculous since nothing was his fault.

"Don't worry about it." Logan sat up slowly and let Kendall help him to his feet. He shook his head to clear away the lingering sleepiness and smiled. "Thanks, Kendall."

"How are you?" Kendall let go of his arm but didn't step away, as if he was afraid that Logan would fall over the second he did.

Logan shrugged. "Tired. Worried. Scared." He looked up at Kendall. "How about you?"

A wry grin spread across Kendall's face before it disappeared and was replaced once more by concern. "About the same."

"Where are James and Carlos?" Logan rubbed the sleep from his eyes with the back of his hand and walked slowly to his closet where a garment bag was hanging.

"They're both up and getting ready." Kendall nodded vaguely. "I should probably get ready too."

"Uh-huh." Logan withdrew the simple suit from its protective bag and nodded in agreement. "See you in a few minutes."

Kendall nodded again, feeling like a bobble-head doll as he did so. "Okay."

Logan changed quickly, trying to avoid seeing the scars that seemed to be all over his body. In reality, there were only two large ones. The first was from the kidney transplant that saved his life. It was long and ugly, wrapping itself around his lower waist and his hip. The other was from his most recent injury, the bullet wound. It wasn't small but compared to the first, it seemed almost tiny. Logan hated his scars and how they took away what self-confidence he had. But they were finally beginning to fade from view and from his mind.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror and decided he didn't like what he saw. His face was pale as usual but now he looked almost sickly. He hadn't slept well at all the night before and it was obvious. His eyes were tired but waking up more every passing minute, and filling with fear. His shaking hands refused to knot his tie properly and they ached anyway, so Logan gave a frustrated sigh and walked out of his room.

When he arrived in front of the bathroom, Logan couldn't help but smile. Kendall was ready and waiting as James, who was also ready, tried to knot a tie on Carlos who was squirming in great discomfort.

"Carlos, stand still!" The older boy pleaded. "I'm going to strangle you by accident." He sighed in relief when he finally managed to get the tie to look presentable. "There. All done." James saw Logan watching from the doorway and grinned. "Do you need help too, Logan?" When Logan nodded, he stepped over to his other best friend and quickly knotted his tie then stepped back to admire his handiwork. "There. Four handsome dudes." The good humor vanished from his eyes. "If only it wasn't such a grim occasion."

Kendall bit his lip to keep from telling his friends that they would all be okay. It would be a miracle if they all escaped the trial without even more scars. Instead, his fingers busied themselves and combed through his blonde hair nervously.

Carlos had stopped fidgeting with his tie and switched to beating out a rhythm against the linoleum of the bathroom floor with his black shoes. "Now what?" He asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"I don't know." Kendall answered him with a shrug. "We don't have to leave for another hour."

"I made some breakfast if you're hungry." Mrs. Knight smiled apologetically when all four boys jumped at the unexpected sound of her voice.

Just the mention of food turned Logan's stomach over. He knew it would probably be better if he did eat something but he also doubted that he would be able to keep it down. "I can't." He muttered, shaking his head. "Sorry."

Immediately, Mrs. Knight drew her adoptive son into a hug. "Don't be sorry, Logan." She said comfortingly. "It's perfectly understandable."

Logan absolutely refused to fall apart so early in the day, but he allowed the hug. "Okay." He whispered shakily. He stepped away and painted a smile on his face. "I think I'll go see Camille before we have to go."

"Why?" Carlos asked, unwilling to let any of his friends out of his sight. "Won't you see her at the courthouse?"

Logan frowned. "Not really. I won't have any time to talk to her." He watched Carlos carefully. "I won't be gone long. Only about thirty minutes."

Carlos nodded, looking miserable. "Okay." He said reluctantly.

Logan took one step to leave and stopped when he felt three pairs of eyes follow him. Then he sighed and turned to Carlos, handing him his cell phone. "Text Camille and tell her to stop by if she can."

Instantly, Carlos' eyes brightened and he happily complied with Logan's request, his nimble fingers completing the message much faster than Logan's own clumsy fingers could have. "Thanks, Logie." His voice was filled with such gratitude and Kendall and James looked so relieved that Logan felt bad for even considering leaving his friends. The phone vibrated almost right away and Carlos glanced at it before announcing that Camille was on her way.

Minutes later there was a knock on the door and Camille let herself in. She was dressed in a simple navy blue dress and she looked exactly how the boys felt but the haunted expression in her eyes lifted a little when she saw Logan. "Hi."

"Hey," Logan replied, kissing her gently. "Ready for the big day?" He asked sarcastically.

Camille tried to laugh but she choked up and flung her arms around Logan. "I'm scared." She admitted.

"I know." Logan squeezed his eyes shut, wishing for nothing more than to wake up and have the nightmare be over. "Me too. We all are." He gently broke free from her grasp and led her over to the couch. "Sit, okay? You look pale. Have you been feeling well?"

Camille laughed at the absurdity of the question. "Only slightly better than you guys all look."

Logan grimaced. "You must be feeling like crap then." He tried to joke.

"Just about." Camille nodded.

"Ahem."

Both of them looked up to see the other boys watching them with tiny grins on their faces. "Sorry." Logan murmured, turning bright red.

"Don't be." James shook his head and sank down onto the couch next to Logan.. He leaned his head back and shut his eyes, sighing wearily.

"You okay, buddy?" Logan asked softly. He turned away from Camille and put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"I don't want to go." James stated flatly. He opened his eyes and fixed them on a spot on the ceiling, trying to keep the inevitable tears at bay. It was bad enough crying in front of his best friends who had known him for so long. He didn't want to lose it in front of Camille too.

But Camille reached over Logan and gave James' hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry, James."

"For what?" James was momentarily distracted from his tears.

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know." Camille gave a helpless shrug. "I'm sorry all of you have to go through this."

"You do too." James reminded her before he could stop himself.

Camille bit her lip and looked at Logan. Her free hand took his injured one and caressed it gently. "I know. But you're the last ones who deserve any of this."

* * *

The building was cold and unwelcoming both on the outside and the inside. It took a while for the boys to wade through the sea of reporters standing out in the parking lot, but when they finally walked through the doors, Kendall and Carlos doing their best to shield James and Logan from the countless questions being fired at them, they only felt a small sense of peace.

Ron Lewis met them in the empty hallway. He looked stressed as he greeted everyone and apologized for the circus outside. "The media is in a frenzy over this whole mess. You'd think they'd have an ounce of compassion but they just want a story that will sell papers."

"It's not your fault." Mrs. Knight assured him.

The lawyer smiled gratefully at her and then gestured for all of them to follow him down the hall. He led them to an empty back room and shut the door behind him as he walked in last. "You have about thirty minutes before you're needed in the actual courtroom. Just take this time to recover from the shark attack outside and prepare yourselves as best as possible" He sat down and looked around them room at his young charges. "Do I need to even ask how you're doing? Any questions?"

"When will it all be over?" James asked weakly.

Ron shook his head regretfully. "There's no way of knowing or sure. Sometimes things blow over in a few days and other times it can take weeks."

"It seems like there are a lot of things that we can't be to sure of." Kendall frowned.

Once again, Mr. Lewis was unperturbed by Kendall's attitude. "Unfortunately, that's a pretty accurate description of the way the law operates." He said mildly.

Kendall scowled again and looked like he was going to say something else when Logan kicked him with his good foot. He shut his mouth and nodded, still looking extremely unhappy.

"What will happen first?" Logan's voice was so soft that he had to repeat himself before Ron could hear him and answer.

"We'll try to jump right into it. Both sides will give a brief statement of what happened from their point of view and then what they'll be trying to prove. Like I said, Andrew will probably plead guilty with temporary insanity but then they have to prove that he was insane."

"So instead of innocent until proven guilty, Andrew is insane until proven sane?" Logan asked dryly. He shook his head. "He snapped but he sure knew what he was doing. He had everything perfectly planned out."

"That's exactly what we'll be trying to prove." Ron nodded. "That Andrew didn't just come across a gun randomly and decide to shoot a bunch of people. He had a motive and a plan."

"Obviously." Kendall muttered, automatically drawing his leg away to avoid another kick.

"Just try to relax." Logan advised him with a sigh. "At least for now. This is the easy part. The waiting."

Ron smiled. "He's right."

"Logan's almost always right." Carlos said loyally.

Logan smirked and elbowed Kendall gently. "Exactly. So cheer up and relax while you still can."

Kendall had the grace to look ashamed. "Sorry. I'm just stressed."

"Aren't we all?" James muttered under his breath.

**A/N. So this was short and probably stupid like the last chapter. I'm sorry. Review if you actually liked it. I'll try to get the next chapter of 'Triangle' up today. Thanks so much for all of the support for all of my stories. It really means a lot.**


	24. Beginning

**A/N. I need to apologize for my attitude in the last few author's notes of whatever I've written. I'm sorry for being so negative and miserable. I need to learn to deal with my problems instead of being a whiny baby. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I don't own anything.**

_Real life is never like anything on TV. _Kendall mused as he sat and listened to a strange man introduce the judge and the jury. Logan would know what he was called. He glanced out of the corner of his eye and caught Logan's attention, silently asking the question.

"_Bailiff."_ Logan mouthed.

Kendall nodded and turned his gaze back to the front of the room. He sat when the judge, a powerfully built man in his fifties, told them to. Kendall tried to stop his mind from racing all over the place and focus on what was actually happening. It was hard though. So much was going on and he didn't have a clue what it all meant. He wished he had thought to ask Logan more details but now it was too late. All he could do was hope for the best.

Ron Lewis stood up then and began to make his opening statement. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today because of a terrible tragedy that occurred on September 14th of this year. On that morning, Andrew Morrison took it upon himself to end nine innocent lives and injure several others. Those who were not psychically harmed were traumatized. No one escaped. Andrew may have bee the victim of bullying for the majority of his school years and yes, this was something that could have a should have been prevented. But no matter what Andrew was forced to endure, he had no right to take revenge in the form of murder. Andrew must suffer the consequences of his actions and I hope that you will see the correct answer in due time."

It was a very short speech. Kendall sneaked a peak at the jury members. They all had carefully blank expressions on their faces and he wondered how they could possibly be so unmoved. Then Kendall heard the name of Andrew's lawyer being announced and he swung around to face the man that was defending a murderer.

Brian Jacobs was only a little older looking than Mr. Lewis, but their age was their only similarity. When the prosecuting attorney had a slight build, Mr. Jacobs looked like he could have been a football player if athletic ability came with broad shoulders and a thick neck. He looked completely unmoved by his opponent's speech and took his time, walking slowly to the front and center of the room. His cold gaze found the boys and the other students and he nodded at them. It was a simple gesture, but filled with malice and as if they were all connected somehow, Kendall felt James tense beside him and then Logan and then Carlos and all throughout the small group of teens. Then he spoke.

"Bullying is a wide-spread issue throughout not only our fair country, but the world as well. Everybody wants to be on top and some will do whatever it takes to get there no matter who or what is in their way. Sometimes the issue escalates until the other side is driven insane, crazy." He nodded to his side of the room where Kendall could only assume, Andrew was sitting. He didn't dare look that way. "We maintain that Andrew, at only seventeen years of age, was driven temporarily insane after years of bullying, and had was not fully aware of the crime he committed."

Both speeches were short and to Kendall's relief, the jury had kept their poker faces on the entire time. He couldn't tell what way they were leaning so early on but it was better than knowing that they sympathized with Andrew.

"Andrew Morrison to the stand."

Kendall jerked at the name and beside him, James seemed to shrink back into the bench. Every eye was on Andrew as he limped slowly up to the judge and was sworn in by the bailiff. At first Kendall was glad to see that Andrew was still hurting. He deserved to be in pain. But then he glanced at Logan and frowned when he saw a shadow of guilt in his best friend's eyes. The unease grew stronger when Kendall looked at Ron to see that the lawyer was frowning. Then it hit Kendall that Andrew's leg could actually be fine but he could be playing up the victim rule that everyone was worried about.

Brian Jacobs was the first to question Andrew. He smiled warmly at his client and began. "Andrew, where were you on the morning of September, 14?"

Andrew had always been a scrawny guy, it was one of the many reasons he had been picked on. But he looked even thinner with the passage of time and Kendall wondered what he had been doing in all the empty time between the shooting and the trial. "I was at school."

"Before that, please."

"I was at my home." Andrew shifted uncomfortably in his chair and looked down. His face was pale and there was a trembling in his hands as he placed them on the desk in front of him.

"What were you doing at your home?"

A brief look of confusion flitted across Andrew's face but Kendall couldn't tell if the boy was just acting. "I was getting ready for school."

Mr. Jacobs nodded and paced back and forth slowly, his hands clasped behind his back. "By getting ready for school, do you mean getting a shower, brushing your teeth, gathering your school books, eating breakfast?" The lawyer waited for Andrew's confirmation and when it came in a whispered "yes", he went on. "How did you get to school, Andrew?"

"On the bus."

"What was the bus like?"

A dark look flashed across Andrew's face and he didn't bother to conceal it. "It was horrible. I was always picked on and nobody, no students or even the bus drivers, ever did anything about it. No one cared."

The defense lawyer nodded sadly as if he knew exactly what Andrew was talking about. "So you were bullied on the bus and in school. Was there ever a time you weren't bullied?"

Andrew gave a small shrug. "At home. That's about it. Everywhere I went people made fun of me. They told me I was small and geeky and they called me names. They locked me in portable bathrooms and turned them over, they threw me in dumpsters. Everybody hated me."

"How did all of this torture make you feel, Andrew?"

In spite of himself, Kendall leaned forward to catch every word of Andrew's reply. He sensed that it was somehow important.

"Sad, angry, humiliated, confused. I wondered why they treated me so badly. What did I ever do to them?"

"You said you felt confused." Brian watched as Andrew nodded. "Andrew, did you ever want to get revenge on the people who made you feel this way?"

Andrew nodded again. "Who wouldn't? But I was afraid. I knew whatever I did, I would pay for big time. Things would be even worse."

_How ironic_. Kendall thought grimly. _Things have gotten worse. So much worse._

"You were afraid. Afraid and confused." The lawyer seemed intent on focusing on those two words. "But you never made any plans for revenge?"

"None at all." Andrew said smoothly.

"I see." Mr. Jacobs looked thoughtful. "No further questions at this time." He nodded to Ron Lewis. "Your witness."

Kendall felt himself relax just slightly as their lawyer walked up to the witness stand. "Andrew," He greeted cordially. "In all the years you were bullied, you never once tried to pay someone back for what they did to you?"

"No."

"Did you ever ask them to stop or to leave you alone?"

"No."

"Did you ever ask anyone for help, like a teacher or a principal?"

"No."

"So you suffered in silence then. For all of your school years you never said one word to anybody about what went on."

Up until that point, Andrew had been giving Ron Lewis one-word answers. But then he really spoke. "I didn't need to tell anyone. It was happening right in front of their faces."

The small show of emotion seemed to go unnoticed by Ron and he simply moved on. "Andrew, you stated previously that on the morning of September 14th, you were getting ready for school. What did you put in your backpack?"

"The usual." Andrew replied simply. "My books, pencils, and other school related material."

"So how did the guns end up in there?" The room went perfectly still. "If you remember putting books and other school material in your book bag, why don't you remember putting three loaded guns in there as well?"

Andrew wasn't tripped up by the question at all though. "Probably because I had been doing the same thing for so many years. It was my routine."

"What do you remember about September 14th?"

Andrew's brow furrowed and he shook his head. "Not very much. I remember getting on the bus and getting shoved around. I remember being in study hall and my books being thrown on the ground. Then after that it's a little blurry."

"Could you try your best to describe it to me?" Ron asked encouragingly.

"I remember kids screaming and running. I remember a lot of blood and someone crying. Then I was waking up in the hospital and my leg was hurting." Suddenly Andrew's voice started to shake slightly. "The police were there and they told me what had happened. They told me that I shot and killed people. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. Not really."

"And yet we have hundred of witnesses and the school's security videos to prove that you did indeed shoot and kill those people." Ron Lewis looked around the room. "Undeniable proof." His eyes rested on Andrew once again. "Sean Williams, Bryan and Sarah Reynolds, Carrie Smith, Peter Marks, Steven Johnson, Emma Richards, Taylor Thompson, and Ron Hawthorne. These people all lost their lives and left their families and friends behind. Burt Heath, Rachel Novak, Logan Mitchell, James Diamond, and Sue Lynch. These were others that escaped with their lives but were seriously injured. And Andrew, countless others are permanently scarred for life because of what you did. There's no question as to who did this to all of them. It was you. We all know that. The only question remaining is if you meant to do it."

Ron Lewis took a deep breath and prepared to wrap up his questioning. "Andrew, I like to think the best of people. I really do. But I truly have a hard time imagining that killing nine people was a random act of violence that you weren't completely aware of. It seems to me that something like that would take careful planning. You had to obtain your weapons and then you had to sneak them past the school's security. I don't claim to be an expert of human behavior, but I think you were perfectly sane when you shot those people. I only wish I knew why."

Andrew Morrison was not expected to answer. Ron Lewis was done with him and he was allowed to go back to sit with his own lawyer. But just before he did, Andrew's eyes seemed to find each and every student that was present at his trial. His eyes burned into them with a fierce intensity. The stare lasted less than a second but it was enough to have the teens shaking in fear from where they sat. Then Andrew stood up, muttering something under his breath as he walked back to his side. The words floated over the head of every adult in the room but made it too the students. "They started it."

**A/N. I'm not to fond of this chapter either which makes that three in a row. Three is such an awful number. Anyway, C25 will be filled with angst and I'm excited. The trial has begun! I hope I didn't disappoint anyone. Please review!**


	25. End

**A/N. Today I woke up to my three-year-old nephew singing 'Yellow Submarine' by the Beatles. I have the greatest niece and nephew ever. I still don't own anything though. Darn!**

James sank back into the uncomfortable leather couch and buried his face into his hands. Silently, he ordered himself to stop shaking so uncontrollably but his body ignored the instructions from his brain. It was ridiculous because he should have been taking the short break that had been given to them, to collect himself again. But seeing Andrew again for the first time after the shooting had stolen all rationality from him. His friends sensed his deep fear but to James' relief, they didn't press him for details. Instead, they spoke with their actions and stuck as close to him as possible.

"How are you boys holding up?" Ron asked as casually as if they weren't in the courthouse testifying against a seventeen-year-old killer.

Since James apparently had no control over his body, he couldn't hold back the disgusted scoff. It came out more like a pathetic whimper though and he cleared his throat. "How do you _think_ we're holding up?"

Ron smiled apologetically and didn't answer because of course there was nothing he could say to comfort them. But then he did something unexpected. "Logan, I have a serious question for you."

James stiffened at the name of one of his best friends. He didn't dare look at Logan, too afraid that he would break. _Please don't ask him if-_

"Do you think you'll be okay up on the witness stand when we come back from break?"

_No!_ James screamed in his mind. He didn't want any of them leaving his side. What if Andrew pulled out a gun and shot them? The idea was absurd of course but James couldn't help himself. He began to silently beg for Logan to say that, no he absolutely was not okay with testifying and he'd much rather move back to their small Minnesota town and be a bunch of nobodies. They were safer that way.

Logan didn't pick up on the brainwaves that James stupidly tried to send his way. Out of the corner of his eye, James saw Logan nod and then heard him speak. "Sure." His tone, to James' surprise was natural and his voice was completely calm and steady. There was no trace of inner nerves or fear. James turned his head to see Logan full on and again, there was no tension whatsoever. Logan was relaxed.

Ron nodded, relieved. "Okay. I think it might be best if the jury hears a testimony from a victim as soon as possible. Andrew's lawyer will probably want to cross-examine you though. Are you going to be okay with that?"

"Absolutely." Logan said firmly. "It won't be a problem at all."

"Great." Ron smiled. "You're a brave kid, Logan Mitchell. All of you are."

_I'm not_. James almost said the words out loud but he was stopped by a knock at the door. A strange guy poked his head in and looked at Mr. Lewis. "We're about to get started again."

Then they were being ushered back into the courtroom, back into their personal hell hole. James didn't know how his legs held him until they got back to their seats. Logan sat down next to him and James wondered how everyone would react if he picked his friend up and ran away. Surely Kendall and Carlos would be right behind them. He was too late though.

"Logan Mitchell to the stand."

James couldn't help it. His hand shot and and wrapped around Logan's wrist, desperate enough to hold tightly but careful enough to make sure he didn't touch the palms of Logan's hands because they were still sore. The contact was brief, lasting only a second before Logan gently shook him off and walked slowly to the witness stand.

James watched as Logan was sworn in and sat in the witness chair. He looked even smaller now that he was further away. He felt Kendall and Carlos on either side of him trying to relax. They were probably better off than he was.

"Logan, I have a somewhat personal question for you." Ron began. "Were you ever bullied in school? Maybe when you were younger?"

Logan nodded. "Yes I was."

"How often?"

A small frown crossed Logan's face but he wasn't afraid. He just looked hurt. "Every day."

There was a quiet murmur in the crowd after Logan's words and Ron waited patiently until it died down. "How young were you when it first started and when did it stop?"

"I was in kindergarten when it first started and. . ." Logan paused as if to make sure everyone was listening. "It never stopped."

For the smallest amount of time James' fear was replaced by a searing anger for everyone who had hurt any of his friends. Logan and Carlos had been the obvious targets because they were smaller and Kendall and James couldn't protect them all the time.

Even Ron looked surprised, or maybe he was just a good actor, hamming it up for the crowd. "Why do you think that is?"

"I was always smaller than most kids my age." A small smile found it's way onto Logan's face. "I'm smart too so I always had people either calling me a geek or threatening me to do their homework."

"What if you didn't comply with their demands?"

Logan shrugged. "I got pushed around a few times and once some guy managed to give me a black eye. That was in ninth grade. My best friends always took good care of me though so that's why it was a little more than bearable."

Ron nodded. "I see." He paused and seemed to take great consideration in his next question. "Did you ever think about revenge?"

"I did more than think about it." Logan told the jury honestly. "But it was mostly small things. Harmless pranks like gluing a bully's book to his desk or spraying his locker with perfume. Sometimes when we were taking tests in the classroom and someone asked me for a answer, I'd give them the wrong one."

Ron chuckled softly, acknowledging that Logan's "revenge" was indeed harmless. "But you never thought of bigger revenge?"

"Never." Logan shook his head. "I tried not to think much about any of it to be honest with you. I tried to focus on the good things in my life and not get too hung up on the bad things. Besides, the bad things in life make the good things worthwhile."

Ron's next question caught even Logan off guard and made James cringe. "Is it true you were diagnosed with cancer last year?"

Logan blinked at his lawyer in surprise but recovered quickly. "Yes. Acute myelogenous leukemia."

"Did everyone at school know that you were so sick?"

"Yes." Logan whispered at first, then repeated himself so everyone could hear him. "Yes. I had to drop out a week or so into my senior year because it was too much for me to handle."

Ron nodded. "So this was your second attempt at graduating from high school. I imagine the shooting put things on hold."

"Of course they did." Logan replied. "I was injured and then when the school opened again, it was too hard for me and my friends. We're homeschooling ourselves now and I think we can graduate this year."

"Good, good. I'm glad to hear that." Ron smiled easily. Then his smile faded and he was serious once again. "Can I ask you to give a brief retelling of what happened to you on September 14th?"

At last, Logan looked frightened. Vulnerable. It killed James to see. He remembered the haunted look in Logan's eyes that had lingered for weeks after they got home from the hospital until his breakdown that made James think they had lost him forever. But Logan was different now. He was stronger.

"I was in a study hall with one of my best friends, James Diamond. I was across the room from James when Andrew first shot Sean Williams after Sean knocked his backpack over. Then he fired the fun again and the bullet hit my foot. I couldn't walk at all so James. . ." Logan's voice wobbled and broke but he kept going. "James carried me out and into another room. We thought we would be safe there while we waited for the police. But Andrew found us."

"Found you." Ron repeated. "Do you think he was looking for you or James specifically?"

Logan nodded. "I do."

"So you think that Andrew knew exactly what he was doing."

Logan's face darkened just slightly. "I _know _Andrew knew what he was doing." He stated calmly.

"Go on with what happened next." Ron quickly encouraged before Andrew's lawyer could object to Logan's bold statement.

"Andrew tried to shoot me again but James shoved me out of the way and got shot instead." Logan spat out the words as quickly as possible while somehow remaining perfectly coherent.

"He tried to shoot you twice then." Ron looked at Logan for clarification. "Both you and James nearly died correct, Logan?"

Logan swallowed hard. "Yes. That's correct."

"Thank you, Logan." Ron's voice had softened, as if he was apologizing for what was to come. "I think that's all the questions I have to ask you for now." He glanced toward the defense table. "Your witness." He said to Brian Jacobs.

Andrew's lawyer stood up and walked quickly over to Logan. "Mr. Lewis did a very fine job of questioning you, Logan." The man acknowledged the other lawyer by tilting his head in the direction of the prosecution's table. "We now know that you were bullied and that you had cancer." He paused. "We also know that you, Logan Mitchell, are a liar."

"Objection!" Ron burst out before Logan had time to react. "Just what exactly are you accusing him of?"

Brian smirked. "I'm accusing him of lying and if you'll allow me to continue your Honor, I think you'll understand."

The judge nodded. "I'll allow it. But tread carefully."

"Of course. Thank you." Brain turned back to Logan who looked shaken. "Logan, you told your own lawyer that you never even thought of, and I quote, "bigger revenge.""

"That's right." Logan's voice shook slightly.

"Then let me ask you a question." Brian leaned closer to Logan. "Why did you shoot Andrew?"

The reaction he got from the crowd was so loud that the judge had to call for order several times before Mr. Jacobs could begin again. "Andrew's kneecap was completely shattered and it's unlikely he'll ever walk very well again. Do you deny that you shot him, Logan?"

James held his breath until he felt dizzy and Kendall nudged him. He waited for Logan's reply.

He expected Logan to be even more shaken but to James' surprise, Logan wasn't bothered more at all. In fact, he seemed calmer. "No. I don't deny that I shot him. I'm also not claiming temporary insanity. I know I shot him. He shot me and my best friend and twelve other people. He had to be stopped." He didn't wait for Brain to try and interrupt him but kept talking. "I didn't shoot him fatally either. I shot him so that he would stop trying to kill other people."

Brain looked furious that Logan had refused to crack under the pressure. "No further questions." He snarled. He spun around to face the judge as Logan rose from his seat to return to his friends. "Your Honor, I'd like to call James Diamond to the stand."

Even Logan, after his calm testimony, faltered slightly on his way back at Mr. Jacobs' words. James nearly choked on the sudden intake of air his lungs were forced under when he gasped aloud.

"James Diamond to the stand."

James' legs obeyed the orders and they carried him all the way to the stand where he was sworn in. They gave out just in time for James to collapse into the chair. He couldn't move except for the constant trembling throughout his entire body and he couldn't think at all. He couldn't tear his eyes off of Mr. Jacobs who stared back at him with a piercing gaze.

Just then, someone sneezed loudly and James jumped so high he almost fell out of his chair. He turned his head to see where the loud sneeze had come from and immediately, his eyes found Logan. _Look at us, not him_. James nodded and felt himself relax a little.

"James," Mr. Jacobs' voice tore that calm to pieces instantly. "Did you ever talk to Andrew?"

James knew what was coming. "No sir."

"Did you ever bully him?"

"No sir. Never."

"Did you see him get bullied?"

"Yes sir."

"Often?"

"Yes sir." As predictable as the conversation was, James' heart sank lower and lower after every question.

Brian Jacobs paused, making sure all eyes were on him. "Did you ever do anything to stop the other students from bullying Andrew?"

"No sir."

"No further questions." Mr. Jacobs turned on his heel. "Your witness."

James was sure he was having another panic attack and from the worried looks he was getting from his friends, he knew that they thought the same thing. He tried and failed miserably to take deep, calming breaths.

"James, are you okay?"

James turned pleading eyes on his lawyer, his _friend_. "Can. . . can I have a glass of water?" He asked faintly.

"Certainly." Ron nodded.

A glass of water appeared in front of James as if by magic. Maybe he was worse off than he originally thought he was. "Thanks." He managed weakly. It was a wonder James didn't drop the glass of water or choke when he took a small sip. The liquid soothed him enough so that he could focus. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, James. This was a traumatizing event for everyone involved. Take your time." Ron's patience was never ending as he waited for James to nod. "All right then." He took a step closer to James and opened his mouth to ask his first question.

James never heard his question because it was lost in the sudden sound of something he never though he'd have to hear again. The screams followed soon after the gun was fired.

**A/N. I don't know about you but I have deja vu or however you spell it. Madame Cliffhanger strikes again! And the best/worst part is, I'm not sure how long you'll have to wait. It could be a few days. We'll see. Review?**


	26. What Goes Around Comes Around

**A/N. Due to the lack of consistent reviews I've been getting, I decided to just concentrate on this story and only this story until I finish it, then start on 'Nightmares'. I apologize to those readers who are looking forward to 'Nightmares' because it will take a little longer than I had originally planned. But I just want to get this story over with right now. Thank you to the readers who have remianed consistent with your reviewing because it means so much to me to get a little feedback. You guys are the best so thank you. I don't own anything.**

James didn't see where the bullet came from or where it ended up. He was unceremoniously shoved to the floor by one of the guards standing behind him. The instant his knees came in contact with the wood though, James had jumped back up, searching desperately for a glimpse of his friends.

It was absolute chaos in front of him, exactly like the shooting at school. To his horror though, James couldn't see any of his friends anywhere at all in the crush of panicked people. He lunged forward, intending to find them and to make sure they got out safely. But Ron met him before he could make it around the desk. The lawyer's arms wrapped around him and James found himself being pulled away from his friends, wherever they were.

"No!" He screamed, thrashing out wildly. "My friends! My friends are there!" He struggled to break free of Ron's grip but despite the fact that he probably outweighed the older man in muscle, James couldn't even weaken the grasp for a second. He was being forced backwards, back behind the desk, past the security guards, and through a door that he hadn't even noticed before. The door slammed behind them, separating James from his best friends.

"What are you doing?" He was shaking with rage and fear. Hysteria had control over his body. "They're out there! Kendall and Carlos and Logan!" Another gunshot sounded and James' legs collapsed from under him and he fell to the ground, sobs wracking his whole body. "Why didn't you let me go to them?"

Ron sank down beside James and at first, tentatively reached out to pull the boy into a comforting embrace. When James didn't bother to protest, the lawyer tightened his grip. "I'm sorry, James." He whispered. "If I could have gotten all of you out, then I would. But you were the closest to where I was standing at the time."

"That doesn't matter." James was allowing the hug but he was inconsolable. "What happened? Who fired the gun? Who got shot? Do you think they're okay?"

"I didn't see where the gun was fired or who got shot. We just have to wait, James." The lawyer said the only words he could think of to say, speaking them loudly in hopes of blocking out the screams that still sounded on the other side of the door.

James pulled away and tried once more to go back to the last place he had seen his best friends. "This is what happened last time." He whispered. "Logan and I were just waiting and we heard everyone screaming and the gunshots. Then Andrew came. . ."

"James, I haven't heard anymore shots." Mr. Lewis offered the only optimistic thought he had, while gripping tightly to James' arm.

"I can't just sit here." James pleaded. "I have to know. Please."

From down the hall a security guard suddenly called out to them and beckoned them to follow him. James shook his head in protest but once again he was helpless as the bigger man towed him away, Ron doing his best to calm him down.

They were in one of those stupid, small rooms. There were so many of them that James questioned why the courthouse was so big if all it had was the actual courtroom while the rest was made up of pointless rooms where people waited.

He hated waiting. He had never had to wait by himself though. When Logan was sick he waited with Carlos and Kendall all the time. When he had been shot and he was waiting to see Logan, Kendall and Carlos and both of his parents had been there to help him with his anxiety. He liked Ron Lewis, he really did. He was kind and thoughtful and he might have just saved James' life. James also knew that the lawyer would have gone back to try and save the other boys if he had been able to. But none of this was enough to ease the cold fear in James' heart.

The minuets ticked by at an agonizingly slow pace. James pulled himself into the defensive position that he had adapted when Logan had cancer, arms wrapped around his legs that were pulled up to his chest. He laid his forehead on his knees and cried quietly, the tears soaking into the knees of his stupid suit. Ron had placed a gentle hand on his back and James leaned into the small contact, knowing that he wasn't alone. "I need them." He whispered. The words slipped out involuntarily and hung in the empty air.

Then, just when James was positive he couldn't wait any longer, there was a knock at the door and before either he or Ron could speak, it opened and Kendall, Carlos and Logan rushed in. He couldn't breath again but this time it was because he was part of a crushing four-way hug and the fear that had been choking him was gone completely. He sobbed uncontrollably, not even sure who's shoulder he had his face buried in, not sure if he cared. "You're safe." He managed to choke out.

Kendall and Carlos eventually pulled away enough to actually see their friend but Logan still clutched James as tightly as possible, ignoring the throbbing pain in his hands. James' chin slid off of Kendall's shoulder when the older boy moved and came to rest on the top of Logan's head. He didn't move. Logan was shaking in his arms and he was sure that the three of them looked just as awful.

"James," Logan finally broke the silence. "We. . . you. . ." He took a deep breath and tried again. "I saw you fall." The words came out in a whisper and Logan finally brought his head up to look at James, his brown eyes filled with fear. "I thought you got shot again."

"A security guard pushed me to the ground, I guess to try and keep me safe." James looked up to find Ron but he found that they were alone. The lawyer must have slipped out to talk with whoever had brought his friends to him and to give them some privacy. "Then Ron dragged me through the door in the back. I tried to go back but he wouldn't let me. I couldn't see you guys at all."

"Everyone was panicking and for a while, we got separated from each other." Carlos' voice shook as he explained. "But Officer Hendricks, remember him?" James nodded and Carlos went on. "Officer Hendricks got us all together again and then we came to find you. He said that he had seen Ron take you back so we only had to ask around before we found you."

"Do you know who got shot?" James couldn't help but ask.

Kendall shook his head. "No. There were two shots. We don't know what happened with any of them." He looked closely at James. "Did you get hurt at all?" He asked, because he had to make sure even if there was nothing he could do.

James mimicked Kendall's head shake. "Not unless you count being a little sore from being pushed and dragged everywhere."

"Ron saved your life." Logan whispered, looking incredibly grateful. "Officer Hendricks got me out because when I lost Kendall and Carlos I couldn't move anywhere. I fell once and then he grabbed me and ran out with me" His eyes filled with tears once more. "Then he made me promise to stay where I was until he found you guys."

"We're all safe now." Kendall sighed in relief

"How did this happen again?" Carlos questioned. He took a shaky breath and wiped away a stray tear. "I thought we were supposed to be safe back there."

"I don't know." Kendall replied quietly.

The door opened again and the boys' parents appeared and immediately pulled their sons away from each other long enough to hug them tightly. Logan found himself in the arms of Kendall's father who had flown to LA for the trial and he started to cry again because it was what he wanted. The arms tightened when his tears started and Logan knew he had a father again.

It took some time for everyone to hug everyone else but finally, quiet settled over the room. Each boy sat between his parents while Logan wound up with Mr. Knight on one side and Mrs. Diamond on the other, neither one of them neglecting their other son.

"Did you call Kelly?" Kendall asked suddenly, as he thought of Gustavo's kind-hearted assistant who had stayed at Palm Woods to watch the younger siblings. He thought of Katie and Carlos' sisters who could easily hear about the second shooting and not have a clue what happened to any of them.

"I did." Mrs. Garcia answered him with a small smile. "They know we're all safe."

Logan lifted his head from where it rested on Mr. Knight's broad shoulder. "What about Camille and Jo and Julie and Stephanie?" He asked, his voice rising with slight hysteria after each name. Up until he was with his family again, Logan hadn't even thought about their girlfriends but now it was all he could think about.

"They're fine." Kendall's father was quick to reassure Logan and pulled him closer. "I promise, Logan. They were sitting near the back because they weren't on the list of witnesses for today. They were some of the first people to get out."

"Did you see them?" Logan wanted to believe his best friend's dad but it seemed too good to be true that everyone he knew was safe and sound, especially since the last time there had been a shooting, he and James had almost died.

"Yes." Mr. Knight nodded firmly. He looked up at the closed door. "Ron said that they're with all of their families right now. He's going to tell them that everyone here is okay and when everything calms down again we can see them."

Logan nodded. "Thank you." He whispered, receiving a one-armed hug in response. He sighed wearily and rested his head once again on the strong shoulder. He had finally managed to stop shaking but he didn't know how long the feeling of peace would last. Mrs. Diamond had one of his hands in her's and the contact was soothing. His eyelids suddenly eased shut before snapping open again and Logan looked quickly around him to make sure everyone was still there.

"When do we find out what happened?" James' curiosity finally got the better of him and he tilted his head to look at his father.

Carlos' dad answered him though. "They're going to keep us in here until everything settles down and they someone may ask us some questions about what we saw."

"I didn't _see_ anything though." Kendall shook his head. "It all happened so fast."

"I'm not sure if anyone saw what actually happened." Mr. Garcia replied. "Everyone's attention was on James and Ron."

James shivered at the memory of his brief time on the witness stand. "How did you do it, Logan?" He asked quietly. "How were you so calm the entire time?"

"Calm?" Logan laughed humorlessly and shook his head. "I was scared to death, James. The entire time. It was horrible seeing Andrew again and talking about what happened with you. It wasn't something I was looking forward to and it was even worse than I imagined."

"But you were so. . ." James searched for the words. "You weren't freaking out like I was." A smile crossed his face briefly. "Thanks for getting my attention by the way."

Logan laughed for real that time and the tension eased a little at the sound. "I'm glad it worked. I don't think Mr. Roberts was very happy about me disrupting his interrogation with a fake sneeze." He shrugged. "Not that I care what he thinks."

Just then the door opened once again and Ron walked in. His face was grave and instantly, all good humor vanished. Each parent drew their son closer to them and Kendall's father instinctively tightened his grip on Logan as well. "What is it?" He asked.

Ron sat down across from the group and looked over each of them carefully, as if he wasn't sure he should tell them right away. But when he saw that they were all waiting expectantly, he took a deep breath and gave them the biggest shock yet. "Andrew Morrison is dead."

**A/N. Review?**


	27. These Things Take Time

**A/N. 'Big Time Pranks' may or may not have led into a future episode for Logan. Wikipedia isn't the most reliable source but let's just say I'm excited for 'Big Time Guru'. Anyway, thanks for the reviews. I don't own anything. Oh! I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Igettvgeeks for reviewing every single chapter of 'Littlw Hollow' and Falling to Fly who is going back and reviewing every chapter. Seriously guys, how are you so epic? ANYWAYS.**

After Ron Lewis' announcement, no one spoke for several minutes. The only sounds in the room was the ticking of the big wall clock and the unsteady breathing of ten shocked people as they stared at their lawyer in disbelief. It was clear he was still having trouble believing it himself.

"It was the father of the the Reynolds twins-"

"Bryan and Sarah." Carlos interrupted softly. "Their names are- I mean, _were_ Bryan and Sarah."

Ron nodded apologetically. "Bryan and Sarah." He repeated. "It was their father, a man named Steve."

"What was the second shot?" Kendall asked.

Ron took his time answering Kendall. He sighed and rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. "Steve Reynold's wife died when his children were young. He didn't have anyone left after the shooting."

Again, his words were met with silence until Logan finally spoke up with tears in his eyes. "You mean he. . . killed himself after he shot Andrew? That was the second shot?"

"Yes." Ron nodded. "He knew that killing Andrew would only result in a trial for himself and probably end up with him in jail. So his last act was doing something that took away his happiness in the first place."

"But. . ." Logan was still trying to process the news. "What about Andrew's family?" His voice shook a little. "I mean, it wasn't their fault that he shot up the school and this trial was their last hope. It ended before Andrew got a chance."

"A chance?" James turned to look at his friend. "Logan, he killed nine people and hurt five more including the two of us. Are you saying he didn't get what he deserved?"

Logan shook his head. "I'm not sure what I think about any of this. We tell people that it's wrong to take a life and then we turn right around and do the same thing to punish people." He shrugged helplessly. "I'm not saying that it was right for Andrew to kill all those people and hurt everyone else. It wasn't. It was wrong. But it wasn't right for Mr. Reynolds to kill Andrew. It's _never_ right to kill."

James frowned and crossed his arms. "I think Andrew got what he deserved."

"So the cycle just keeps on going is that it?" Logan asked sarcastically. "What happens next? Andrew's dad shoots someone who knew Mr. Reynolds?"

"Ron said he didn't have any family-" James began.

"Yeah well, I'm sure he had friends or people who cared about him. What if this whole thing just kept going and going like a stupid little war? That's all wars are. Just a bunch of stupid idiots who are so freaking power hungry that they'll do whatever it takes to get on top. And once one side trips another side up there's no going back."

James sighed. He felt his mother's calming hand on his arm and vaguely realized that everyone was watching them in concern. "That's not going to happen, Logan."

"You don't know that." Logan said shakily. "You don't know what's going to happen next. Nobody does."

James bit his bottom lip. He could see Logan pulling away from not just him but everyone else in the room as well. The second shooting seemed to have undone all the work that the weeks of therapy with Steve had done. His confidence had been built up only to be pulled back down. "Logan-" He began to say, reaching out with one hand to his friend.

But Logan pulled away, out of James' reach and stood up. Instantly, James froze, his hand hanging in mid-air. His throat closed off, leaving him unable to speak. He could only stare at Logan in shock because suddenly all he could remember was that New Years' Eve night when he had yelled at Logan and Logan had been afraid of him. He had pulled away from James.

"Logan-" It was Ron who finally spoke. Of course it was Ron. He cared for all of them but in reality he didn't know them. He knew that Logan had once been a cancer patient but he didn't know what really went on in their lives before the shooting brought them all together. He didn't know that the shooting was just the tip of the iceberg. As much as he cared about Logan he could never help him like someone he had known his whole life could. So it was no surprise when Logan cut him off as well.

"I want to see Steve." The words were supposed to be stubborn and even demanding but they clashed horribly with the pathetic pleading in Logan's voice. He didn't know what he really wanted though. He wanted what he couldn't have. He wanted to be done with everything. He actually didn't know where the words themselves came from in the first place. Steve? Everyone looked hurt by his request but Logan couldn't bring himself to regret it.

"He's here." Ron finally said.

Logan's head snapped up, his eyes slightly wide with sudden dread. "Is he okay?" He asked before he could remember that there had only been two shots and he already knew who had been the casualties.

Ron nodded. "He's fine." He glanced uncertainly around the room. "Would you like me to take you to see him?"

The tension in Logan's face eased and he nodded. He didn't dare meet any eyes as he turned to leave the room with Ron. He didn't turn when he heard Carlos start to cry. He didn't turn because he didn't want anyone else to see the tears that had started to flow freely from his own eyes.

They walked in complete silence. Logan couldn't talk around the lump that had lodged itself in his throat and Ron was at a loss for words. As a lawyer, he had always been advised to keep his personal life separate from his business life but it was hard to do when his clients became so dependent on him and trusted him to lead them out of the messes they found themselves in.

He had never met anyone who deserved so much better more than the four boys and their families. He had witnessed them deal with so much and he knew that there were more issues under the surface. Logan was silent as he walked beside him, not even bothering to brush away the tears. But as they neared the other side of the building he spoke up in a quiet whisper. "I don't know why I said or did any of that."

"You've been under a lot of pressure, Logan." Ron said quietly. He wasn't sure where the conversation was headed but he decided that the least he could do was to let it go and see what happened.

Logan snorted. "I'm not the only one." He sighed. "I just want to stop messing things up."

Ron didn't have time for an answer because they had neared and approached Steve and a handful of doctors and policemen by that time. They looked at Logan curiously who, after a slight hesitation, walked up to Steve.

"I'm glad to see that you're okay." Steve said gently, his eyes full of concern.

"Physically." Logan replied with a weak shrug. "Can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

To his relief, Steve nodded and gestured for Logan to walk a short distance away from the group with him. "How can I help you."

"That's just it." Logan sighed and sat down. "I don't have a clue how you can help me. I don't have a clue how anyone can help me. I keep messing up and hurting people I care about and I don't know what to think anymore. It's frustrating because I keep thinking that things are going to get better and I'm going to stop freaking out over everything. Then something else happens and I'm right back where I started."

"What happened?" Steve inquired gently, not wanting to push Logan.

Logan inhaled unsteadily. James and I had a fight back there." He admitted. "It wasn't a huge fight or anything but why were we even arguing to begin with? That's another thing. I have no control over what I say or do anymore. I'm just this. . . emotional mess"

"But that's perfectly understandable after everything you've been through."

"When am I going to get better then?" Logan asked hopelessly. "Will I ever get better?" He wiped a hand across his eyes. "What _is_ wrong with me?"

"You're depressed." Steve said bluntly. "That's what the medication you're taking is for."

Logan winced at the unpleasant reminder of his antidepressants. "Is that all though? I'm scaring myself. I just keeping having these setbacks and I'm starting to think I'll never be normal again."

Steve placed a hand on Logan's arm. "You will be fine, Logan. You're strong and you have so many people who love you and care about you. They want what's best for you. The only reason you keep having these setbacks is because of this whole mess. The shooting was what brought you to me right?" Steve watched Logan nod. "Right. After you came to me, things started settling back down and you felt like you could breathe again. Then you had to go back to school, and there was this whole deal with the trial and now. . ." Steve threw his hands up in a frustrated gesture. "This. It's enough to send anyone over the edge."

Again, Logan flinched. "I haven't wanted to kill myself since that day my dad left me." He wrapped his arms around himself and leaned back to see Steve better. "But I'm just so tired of everything hurting."

"Logan, the fact that you don't want to die means that you're strong even though you probably feel incredibly weak."

"I don't feel strong at all." Logan shook his head. "I feel like I'm falling apart no matter how hard I try to keep myself together. The worst part is I'm not just hurting myself." He rolled his eyes to the ceiling and stared up, trying to blink the tears away. "I sound like a broken record, don't I?" He brought his gaze back down to Steve. "How am I getting better if I just keep coming back to the same issues over and over again?"

"It takes time. You expect too much of yourself, Logan. Your. . . issues can't just be talked about for a few weeks and then forgotten." Steve handed Logan the box of tissues that sat of the end table near them. "No matter how much you may want for thing to get better quickly, Logan, it's just not going to happen. These things take time."

The words were harsh and gentle all at the same time. Logan didn't know what to make of them at first. Finally, he focused on what had just happened. "But I messed up really bad this time." His head ached when he thought of his words and his actions that had hurt everyone once again.

"They'll forgive you." Steve replied simply. "They already have because in their eyes, there was nothing to forgive. You just have to forgive yourself, Logan."

Logan laughed, the sound holding no humor. "That's easier said than done. Sometimes I hate myself."

Steve shrugged. "That's completely normal believe it or not. Nobody is completely happy with who they are as a person. We all make mistakes and usually the last person to forgive us is ourselves."

At last Logan looked up, the tiniest hint of hope in his otherwise bleak expression. "I'm not the only one then?"

"No." Steve shook his head quickly. "What made you think that?"

"I. . . I don't know." Logan went back to starting at his hands in his lap. "I doubt myself a lot lately. You know something else that really kills me? James and Kendall and Carlos are going through this whole thing with me and they're holding themselves together just fine. It's just me who keeps bringing everyone else down and making everyone cry."

"Are you sure about that?"

Logan was caught off guard by Steve's question. "I. . . what do you mean? Am I sure about what?"

"Are you sure that you're the only one falling apart?" Steve watched him expectantly. "Logan, put yourself in Carlos' shoes or James' shoes and Kendall's shoes. If you switched roles with one of them, would you really be okay to see your friend suffering so much?" He caught the tears that had filled Logan's eyes once again and his expression softened. "I'm sorry, Logan. I don't want to upset you even more but I do want you to know that your friends are closer to you than you think. You're never alone with them. The four of you are too much alike. That was the first thing I realized when I met you boys."

"We do tend to kind of fall together." Logan admitted with a wry smile. He took a deep breath and stood up. "Thank you, Steve." He said shyly. "I know this wasn't a scheduled session or anything and I promise I'll make it up to you-"

Steve shook his head and held up a hand, cutting off Logan's speech. "I just want you to be happy, Logan." He said honestly. "Don't worry about this okay?" He nodded to Ron Lewis who was still waiting. "Go be with your family."

Logan smiled for real then and nodded. "Okay. Thanks again."

Ron returned Steve's nod and then set off back down the long hallway with Logan, keeping a sharp eye out for any stray reporters that might have made it past the security that had been preoccupied with the murder and suicide. "Feeling better?" He asked carefully.

Logan nodded. "Yeah. I am. But I'll feel better once I apologize to everyone." He glanced up at the tall lawyer beside him. "I'm-"

"You don't have to apologize, Logan." Ron said so firmly that Logan understood instantly and fell silent.

They were nearing the room where everyone waited when they met the girls and Logan was stalled when Camille flung herself into his arms as gently as possible. "Hey, Camille." He murmured softly. He rubbed her back gently and then stepped away. "I'm glad you're all okay."

"Just shaken up." Camille managed a small smile. "I guess you're all about the same?"

"More or less." Logan answered vaguely. "I'll be better in a few minutes though. Listen, can you girls wait a little longer? I need to make something right first."

Camille studied her boyfriend's face intently. He looked tired and sad but he didn't look broken like she had expected. "Okay." She said softly. "But don't keep us waiting too long okay? These girls need to see their boyfriends too you know."

Logan smiled apologetically at Julie and Jo and Stephanie who all looked reluctant but willing to wait. "Thanks." He dropped a kiss on Camille's forehead and the let Ron lead him back to where he had come from.

**A/N. I'm not 100% sure about this chapter but that's okay because I have a better idea where I'm going with this story now. Three more chapters, yay! Review? Oh, and if I'm reading one of your stories and I didn't review the newest update (because I have four or five stories that I haven't reviewed yet) I am very sorry. I promise to get to them this week. Also, I blame the fight between James and Logan on Wyszlo because I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it and she encouraged me and man, I only need a little encouragement to be angsty. So yeah. lol. I love her and all of you. Hugs, kisses, and. . . rainbows. I love rainbows.**


	28. Keep Holding On

**A/N. I used to make fun of all the girls who were obsessed with the N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. Now I can understand them. I need a Big Time Rush intervention. I don't own anything.**

James watched Logan walk away from them without even looking back. He heard Carlos start to cry quietly. He felt his mother and father embrace him. Hot tears welled in his eyes and spilled over and he pressed his face into his father's chest and sobbed. He heard them both whispering words of comfort that didn't do him an ounce of good. His mother was gently rubbing his back and his father didn't care if his tears were probably ruining his good suit. He should have been able to find comfort in something, anything at all. But his heart had sunk so low that he wondered if he would ever be okay again.

"James."

He heard Kendall whisper his name, the leader's voice sounding so broken and scared and downright sick and tired of the heartache that had been shadowing them for the past several months. But James couldn't bring himself to react until he felt Kendall's hand on his shoulder and both of his parents moved away.

Kendall had Carlos by his side and he motioned for James to join them. His green eyes glistened with tears but he managed to give James a reassuring smile. "Steve will be good for him." He said quietly. "Logan needs someone like Steve. As much as we love him and say we won't judge him, there's only so much we can do before it's out of our hands."

"But I don't like it this way." Carlos had stopped crying but he had to sniff and blink back stray tears. "I miss Logan."

"Believe me, I don't like it either." Kendall admitted. "It scares me to know that I can't give Logan the help he needs. I want the old Logan back too. He will be back though. I know it. One of these days he'll be back for good. I know you don't like it when I make promises Carlos, but I just know that Logan is going to be fine eventually. Until then we just have to be there for him when he needs us. Okay?"

Carlos smiled a little. "Okay. But only because I know that he's going to be okay too." The youngest turned to James expectantly. "You think so too, right James?"

James cringed at the hopeful question. He wanted so badly to believe and agree with his friends. But he could only be honest as he shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know." He whispered. "I don't have a clue what's going to happen to him or any of us. The only thing I do know is that I'm really scared right now."

"It's okay to be scared, James." His mother broke in with her soothing voice. "We're all scared right now."

"You don't understand." James shook his head and turned back to his friends. "Guys, when Logan pulled away from me like that all I could think of was. . . New Years Eve."

Instantly, Kendall and Carlos' faces lit up with understanding. "But James, Logan wasn't scared of you today. He was just scared." Carlos tried to comfort him.

"I know." James felt miserable because no matter what anyone said or did to cheer him up, he couldn't shake the gloom away.

"Hey," Carlos' cheerfulness was forced and painful to hear but it wasn't fake. "This is better than that right?"

James found himself nodding. "Yeah. Anything is better than that."

Kendall looked slightly relieved. "Exactly. Just hang in there, buddy." He told James. "We'll make it."

Despite Kendall and Carlos' optimistic words, James couldn't become convinced that all would be fine eventually until he saw Logan again. If his friend was just a little bit better then maybe, just maybe, James would allow himself to hope for their future. He leaned wearily back against the couch and closed his eyes. He wasn't about to go to sleep but the room stopped spinning when he couldn't see it.

"Are you okay, James?"

"I'm okay, Mom. Just tired and worried." _And scared and mad and frustrated and lonely and confused and hurt and-_

"Dad?" Carlos lifted his head from Kendall's shoulder. "What's going to happen next? I mean, Andrew is dead and so is Mr. Reynolds. What can anyone do about all of that?"

"I don't know, son." Officer Garcia shook his head. "We'll have to wait and see."

"Why am I not surprised?" Carlos mumbled sarcastically.

"It does seem like we've been doing a lot of that lately, doesn't it?" Kendall groaned. "It's be nice to be sure of something once in a while."

James caught the slip-up right away and he turned to face Kendall. "I thought you said you knew Logan would get better!" He exclaimed anxiously.

Kendall sat up quickly, a serious expression on his face. "James, I promise you that I meant everything I said earlier."

"Okay." James surprised himself by backing down right away but deep down he really did want to believe Kendall. Besides, the complete lack of sleep the night before made it hard to argue. He just wished he hadn't fought with Logan earlier.

After they had waited for what seemed like forever to James, the door opened and Ron walked in with Logan right behind him. He walked over to the couch where his friends sat and sank down into the chair across from them. His face was pale and tired and his eyes were rimmed with red and bright with tears. But then a genuine smile seemed to transform him even though it was small. "Hi." He said quietly. "I know you probably don't want to hear this but I'm sorry for fighting with you, James. And I'm sorry I upset all of you."

"Are you okay?" James asked before anyone else could say anything.

Logan didn't answer right away and James almost repeated his question. "I'm better." He said finally. "It helped to talk to Steve. He understands more about this whole. . ." His voice trailed off and he looked a little embarrassed. "I mean, he understands more about this whole depression thing than I could ever know." He looked up at his friends. "How are you doing?" He asked softly.

"Better now that you're back." Carlos replied instantly. "We need you just as much as you need us."

A shaky laugh escaped Logan. "You need me more than I thought then."

James frowned slightly. "Always." He said softly. "We've always needed you, Logie."

"I know that. . . I think." Logan replied quietly. "It's still hard sometimes. I mean, knowing that somebody wants me."

Kendall tensed at the sight of Logan near tears again. Whatever happened to him, whatever he said or did or felt, it always led back to Ryan Mitchell. It had been over a year since Logan's father had died but not a day went by that Kendall didn't hate himself for allowing Logan to be neglected every single day of his life. He thought back to the day his mother had adopted Logan when he came home from the hospital the first day. He remembered how even then Logan questioned if he was wanted. What kind of friends had they really been to allow the nearly permanent destruction of one of their best friends? "I'm sorry, Logan." He finally forced the words past his aching throat. "I'm so sorry."

Logan looked surprised by Kendall's apology. "What do you have to be sorry for?" He asked doubtfully. "You've always been there for me. All three of you." His gaze wandered around the room. "All three of you and your families."

Before Kendall could answer, Mrs. Knight stepped forward. "Logan, you're right and you're wrong." Her voice shook a little bit as she sat down next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. "If we had really been there for you then you would have been adopted by one of us a long time ago. As much as you loved your father, he wasn't good for you and I regret that I waited until he truly abandoned you."

"It's okay." Logan insisted, leaning into his adoptive mother's embrace. "I think we all thought everything would be okay. Especially when I was sick you know? I mean, now I have a family. The best family I could ask for, by the way."

At Logan's words, James couldn't stop the sudden flow of tears. They took him by surprise and he leaned forward, hiding his face in a pathetic attempt to regain his composure. He felt Kendall place a hand on his shoulder and then remove it as Logan moved from his spot across from them to next to James on the couch,

"Did I make you cry again?" Logan's voice sounded pained.

"N-no. Not really." James tried to steady his breathing but when Logan gave him a careful hug, his control fell completely apart. It terrified him how much they all needed each other. He and Logan had become so dependent on each other since the shooting. Maybe it was because they had both been so sure the other had died after being chased down by Andrew. James loved all of his friends equally and he knew they felt the same. But it was Logan who died more than anyone else in his nightmares and it was Logan that he was afraid of losing even when he was awake. "I'm sorry it's just that-" He cut himself off and tried once again to calm himself. "I wish I could go one day without crying." He finished lamely. It wasn't exactly what he wanted to say but he didn't really know what to say anyway.

Instead of wasting time with words he pulled Logan into a rather rough hug and held him tightly until he heard the smaller boy wince a little. Then he relaxed but didn't release his hold.

Logan laughed softly. "That's my job." He sighed and rested his head on James' shoulder. "It doesn't help when I'm dead tired either."

"Well, you didn't sleep much last night did you?" Carlos asked with a troubled expression on his face. "That can't be good."

"I'm okay, Carlos." James said, stopping mid-sentence to yawn.

"Me too." Logan said confidently. But then he looked up at the adults. "Can we go home now? Please? I mean, even if there is anything to do it can't be done today right?"

Ron nodded and rubbed his temple, trying to ward off the coming headache. "Nothing is going to happen today." He sighed. "You all clearly need a lot of rest so why don't you head home for now? I'll grab some guards so you can get outside without the press hounding your every move." He stood up to leave, then glances over his shoulder with a small smile. "Do you want to see anyone while you wait?"

"Oh yeah!" Logan sat up suddenly. "The girls were just coming to see us when I was headed back. But I asked them to wait a while so we could talk first. You guys don't mind do you?"

Kendall shook his head quickly. "Of course not, Logan." He said as the door opened again and Jo, Camille, Stephanie and Julie all hurried in. "Hey," He greeted his girlfriend with a gentle hug. "I'm glad you're all okay."

"Me too." She said quietly. "Kendall, I was so scared."

"I know." He stroked her blonde hair and pulled her closer. "We all were." _I still am._ He thought to himself. "But everyone is safe and sound right now." He turned his attention back to Jo. "It's going to be okay."'

And for once he could believe his own words.

**A/N. This was really short and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that it might seem a little repetitive but I honestly don't see Logan having one break down and then being absolutely fine. He's clinically depressed, remember? It takes a little time and I'm just trying to be realistic. Anyway, thanks to everyone who have reviewed every chapter so far. You're the best. Review this one? Yay two more chapters now!**


	29. With A Little Help From Our Friends

**A/N. I have no self-control because I'm posting 'Head On Collision' as soon as I'm done this story. Forget 'Nightmares' and 'How to Save a Life' for now. They'll come. Later. Anyway, here is the penultimate chapter of 'Innocence Lost'. I don't own anything.**

The quiet apartment was exactly what everyone needed after the long exhausting morning. After Officer Hendricks led them through the swarm of reporters outside the courthouse, he saw to it that they made it back to the Palm Woods without any trouble and even stayed in Apartment 2J in case their peace was disrupted by anyone.

As soon as they got back the boys pulled out the sofa bed again and were all lying down, drifting in and out of consciousness while they listened to the conversation the adults were having in the kitchen. Carlos was the first one to give into his exhaustion and he laid curled up at the bottom half of the bed, one hand resting on top of Logan's foot as if he was trying to keep him from leaving again. His helmet was discarded on the floor below him because Carlos had all the security he needed. Logan fell asleep soon after Carlos, smashed in between James and Kendall. Any trace of the earlier inner storm within him was gone and Logan slept with a peaceful look on his face. James exchanged a sleepy grin with Kendall before he rested his head against the comfortable back of the couch, falling asleep almost instantly.

Kendall was awake for long after his friends had dozed off. Part of him wanted to join the adults in the kitchen to see what they were talking about but the one time he shifted his position to see them better, Logan flinched in his sleep and grabbed clumsily for Kendall's wrist with his hand. After that, Kendall didn't dare move an inch, not sure if he wanted to anyway.

A tiny grin crossed Kendall's tired face as he surveyed his friends. If the situation hadn't been so serious, he knew that Katie would have been taking dozens of pictures with her digital camera and threatening blackmail whenever the situation prevented itself.

"I wish."

Kendall turned to see his little sister watching them with a smirk. Not wanting to disturb Logan again, he carefully lifted his free hand to beckon her closer. Katie didn't hesitate and climbed up to the small space next to Kendall and snuggled as close as possible to her big brother as possible. "I was so scared." She admitted in a hushed whisper, her wide brown eyes watching her sleeping big brothers carefully. "I was down in the lobby and I saw it on the news. All I could think of was that everyone I loved was in the same courtroom where some guy was shooting a gun."

Kendall wrapped an arm around his "baby sister" and pulled her even closer to him. "I know. I can't imagine what was going through your mind. Even when I knew that everyone else got out I was still really freaked."

"It's like," Katie sat up slightly so she could look at Kendall. "I mean, I thought you guys would be safe there and. . . you weren't. Kelly knew what happened too but Carlos' sisters didn't so we had to stay calm for their sake. We played games to keep everyone busy but I was distracted until Mrs. Garcia called."

"Well, I know it must have been terrifying but I think you were really brave, Katie." Kendall said softly. He looked at the twelve-year-old sadly. "You've grown up a lot lately."

Katie gave him a small smile and shrugged. "That's okay. As long as I get to grow up with you guys." She looked at Kendall anxiously. "We're going to be okay, right?"

"Of course." Kendall nodded firmly. "Absolutely. We just need time, that's all."

She smiled even more at his words, reassured. "I love you, Kendall. I have the four best big brothers in the world."

"We love you too, Katie." Kendall replied sleepily. "All of us." He felt her pat him on the head and say something about getting some sleep and then she was gone to go back with Carlos' sisters. Kendall shut his eyes then and allowed the voices of the adults provide a soothing background noise as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

He awoke suddenly when Logan jerked upwards, startling them all into full awareness and catching the attention of every adult in the kitchen. "You're okay, Logan." Kendall mumbled. He sat up and wrapped an arm around the smaller boys' shoulders, frowning when he could feel Logan shaking.

"What happened?" Carlos sat up, rubbing his head.

Logan blinked at him. "I'm sorry." He fumbled his apology when he felt every pair of eyes on him. "I think I might have kicked you by accident."

"Oh." Carlos nodded. "That's okay, Logan." He shifted a little closer to his friends. "Did you have a bad dream?" He asked, rather bluntly.

Logan couldn't help but laugh. "It was a nightmare." He admitted. "I haven't had one in a while. I mean I didn't sleep well last night but that was just because I could never fall asleep to begin with."

"Me too." James covered his mouth and tried to tone down the enormous yawn that hit him.

"I-"

"Don't apologize for waking us up, Logan." James shook his head. "It doesn't matter." He ignored the adults watching them and looked at Logan. "Are you okay?"

To their relief, Logan nodded and even managed a small smile. "Yeah. Now that I'm awake anyway." He was still embarrassed though and he couldn't bring himself to look up and see all the parents and Officer Hendricks looking at him in sympathy.

Officer Hendricks. Logan's pale cheeks flushed slightly. It was bad enough having a bad dream in front of people he had known for most of his life. But even as he stared straight ahead at the blank TV he could feel the young police officer staring at him in concern. He straightened his slumped over posture and gently shrugged Kendall's arm off of his shoulders. "Um, I'm hungry. Is there anything to eat?"

Kendall frowned as a sudden thought occurred to him. "You haven't eaten all day. Neither have you, James."

"Or you or Carlos for that matter." Logan pointed out. He suddenly felt hungry and stood up slowly, his stiff body protesting slightly.

Mrs. Knight had stood up and was bustling around the kitchen, preparing food for the boys. "Are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches okay for now? Just while you wait for something else I mean."

Logan nodded along with his friends. Any kind of food sounded perfect. He steadied James when the older boy stood up to quickly and swayed a little bit. "Lack of sleep and lack of proper nutrition is a bad combination." He scolded him.

James laughed. "Yeah? Well I follow your example, remember Dr. Mitchell? I wasn't the only one today."

Logan grinned sheepishly. "Okay, so I'm a hypocrite. Just be careful. All of you."

Carlos gave him a mock salute then skipped quickly over to the counter only to lose his balance and nearly face plant into the stool in front of him.

"See?" Logan rolled his eyes. "What time is it anyway?"

"About 5:30." Officer Hendricks looked up from his conversation with Mr. Garcia. Then two men had been distracted by Carlos' near miss and the police officer was the first to look at the clock on the wall. He raised his eyebrows and looked at the boys. "You haven't eaten all day?"

Logan shook his head and slumped over on his stool, resting his head on the cool surface of the counter. "I think we were all a little nervous." His statement seemed to remind him of something and he looked up. "So do we know what we're doing?"

Officer Hendricks exchanged glances with the parents who all nodded. He rose from his place at the table to join the boys at the counter. "There's not much that can be done since Steve Reynolds took his own life. The most you boys will have to do is give your statements at the police station. And even then I doubt there's a whole lot you can say. But there's no need for this to go to court. It's pretty obvious what happened."

"We. . . don't have to go to court?" James asked in disbelief. The news, as unbelievable as it was, had an immediate effect on him. His entire body relaxed of his tense posture and he nearly fell off of his stool. He grabbed the edge of the counter to hold himself upright. "Really? We don't have to go at all?" It was almost too good to be true.

Noah smiled at his reaction. "Yes. And the statements shouldn't be that hard. There won't be a hundred people watching you, that's for sure. I could probably even arrange for me to be the one that asks you the questions if that you make you more comfortable."

"Really?" Logan breathed. "That would be great." He smiled gratefully at Mrs. Knight as she set their sandwiches down in front of them. "Don't eat too fast." He cautioned his friends, sliding Carlos' plate away from him until he made sure they all heard him. "We haven't eaten since yesterday. Take your time."

Carlos groaned in impatience but obeyed Logan's instructions. "So when do we have to do this whole statement thing?" He asked.

Officer Hendricks shrugged. "I'm not really sure about that." He grinned when Kendall rolled his eyes. "I know. Tell me about it. Everything is kind of last minute isn't it?"

Kendall ducked James' elbow nudge and nodded, glad that the kind officer understood his frustration.

Noah continued. "I do know that it'll be sometime this week if that clears anything up. Since you were all primary witnesses to begin with, especially James and Logan, you'll probably be among the first."

"Well, I think I can handle that." James sighed and took a sip of water. "It sounds a lot easier."

"We'll make it as easy as possible for you." Noah promised as he stood up. "I should be getting back to the station now though." He tipped his cap respectfully to the women and shook hands with all of the boys. "Just relax and take it easy this week all right? Try not to think about your statements. It'll be a piece of cake compared to witnessing in court, that I can promise you."

"I'm pretty sure anything is easier than witnessing in court." Logan said wryly. "It's not something I want to do again anytime soon."

"I'm with you there, bud." James agreed. He pushed his empty plate away and shook his head when Mrs. Knight offered to make him another sandwich. "Thanks for everything, Officer Hendricks."

The officer smiled and nodded. "It was my pleasure. I'll see you boys around."

When he left the room was quiet for a while. Then Logan spoke up. "You know, this whole thing has been really hard but we met some great people, didn't we? Steve Rodgers, Officer Hendricks, Mr. Lewis. . . they're all been awesome to all of us."

"Yeah well," Kendall rested his chin in his hands. "Maybe that was us getting a sort of break. You're right, Logan. We could have gotten a lawyer who was a jerk and only cared about getting paid. But we got Ron and he probably saved James' life. And then we've had Officer Hendricks through most of this mess and he's always made us feel more relaxed than anyone else could."

"And he saved _my_ life in the courtroom." Logan reminded him.

Kendall nodded quickly. "And the of course, there's Steve."

"Mr. Rodgers!" Carlos added cheerfully.

"He really saved my life." Logan said seriously. "More than once. I mean-" His words caught in his throat and his voice dropped to a whisper. "I can promise you that I haven't wanted to. . . kill myself since my dad left but that doesn't mean things have been easy for me to deal with. Steve helped me with a lot of that."

"They're all heroes." Carlos said firmly.

Logan nodded looking thoughtful. "I've been thinking about something. It's okay if you guys don't really agree with me but I just wanted to put the idea out."

"What is it, Logie?" Kendall asked.

"I know it didn't work out well at all the first time." Logan began slowly. "But I think we should give school another try. I mean, I like being home schooled and all that but I don't think we can ever really move on if we don't go back. A lot of the other kids are back, why can't we?" He looked up at his friends. "What do you think?"

**A/N. And then there was one. I'm sorry. That was a little cliffhanger wasn't it? The second-to-last chapter, I just could not resist. Anyway, I hope you liked this. If you did, please review? Feedback is always appreciated. Oh man. One more chapter and I can post 'Head On Collision'. Yes. But seriously, review this chapter? Thanks! And Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! Have a wonderful day tomorrow!**


	30. Hero

**A/N. I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving! Thanks for all of your support throughout this story. Here is the last chapter! Next up is 'Head On Collision'! Whoo-hoo! I don't own anything.**

"_No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in, but we feel like we do when we make fun of him. 'Cause you want to belong, do you go along, 'cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong? It's not like you hate him or want him to die, but maybe he goes home and thinks suicide, or he comes back to school with a gun at his side. Any kindness from you might have saved his life. Heroes are made when you make a choice." - 'Hero' by Superchick._

"James, are you almost ready?"

James stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. His hair was neatly combed but nowhere near the state he used to have it in. He was dressed in a simple T-shirt and jeans. Was he ready? No. But not because he wasn't combed and dressed to perfection. Still, James sighed and opened the door, jumping slightly when he saw that all three of his best friends were waiting for him.

Logan looked him over in concern before speaking again. "It'll be okay, James." He spoke with such genuine confidence that it was impossible for James not to believe him and relax a little.

"Yeah, I'm ready." James nodded. "Just let me grab my jacket." He entered his room and pulled the lightweight rain jacket from the back of his desk chair and returned to his friends. "It's still raining, right?" When they had woken up earlier that morning, a light mist had been falling.

"It's raining even harder now." Carlos pointed to the window where the fall of rain had indeed increased to a steady downpour.

"Are you boys sure you want to do this?" Mrs. Knight walked up to them, concern written all over her motherly face. "You know things didn't go so well the first time."

Despite the fact that he was slightly embarrassed by the memory of his breakdown, James appreciated how blunt Kendall's mother was with the situation. He nodded along with his friends. "We're sure." He couldn't explain why he felt so completely calm all of the sudden. The situation should have terrified him. Maybe it was the fact that Logan looked more confident than he had in weeks. His demeanor, so much like the old Logan, seemed to have a calming effect on the rest of them.

Mrs. Knight nodded, a mixture of pride and uncertainty on her face. "All right then. Call me if you need me though. The home school thing _was_ going really well, remember?"

Again, all four boys nodded. "Thanks, Mom." Kendall leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. "We'll call around lunch time just to check in with you, okay?"

James smiled at his older friend's statement. Typical Kendall behavior, making sure everyone was as happy as possible. He pulled his rain jacket on and lifted the hood over his head. "Okay. It's not getting any drier out there and we'll miss the bus if we don't hurry."

"James is right." Logan swung his backpack over one shoulder and nodded. "We'd better head out." He turned to say goodbye to Mrs. Knight but was caught up in a hug and couldn't stop the wide smile the spread across his face. "See you, Mom."

His words caught even himself off guard and stopped everyone else in their tracks. He felt his cheeks redden at the attention but no one seemed to notice his embarrassment, or if they did, they didn't care. But he didn't even want to take the words back. Mrs. Knight _was_ his mother, both officially and unofficially if that even made sense. Still, their leaving was delayed a little bit more when he was embraced once again, this time even more so.

"Logan, you have _no_ idea how much it means to me to hear you say that." She whispered in his ear as a few tears ran down her face.

Logan had to blink away his own tears and it was a little difficult to do. But he cleared his throat and smiled again. "Well, it's true." He said softly. Then he pulled gently away and after hesitating briefly, mimicked Kendall's action and dropped a quick kiss on his adoptive mother's cheek. "Thanks for everything."

The boys left the apartment, quietly and out into the lobby where they paused to make sure their rain jackets were secure. Logan dropped his backpack to the floor and winced slightly as he straightened up. Before he could explain, Carlos spoke.

"It's your shoulder, isn't it?" He asked sadly.

Logan nodded because there was no use in denying what they already knew. "My backpack is a little heavy." He said lamely. "I mean, it's getting better every day and it doesn't hurt as much but-" He stopped when Kendall bent down and grasped the heavy pack in one hand and lifted it easily. "Kendall, don't-"

"Let me help you, Logan." Kendall interrupted. "Let _us_ help you until you can do it without hurting you." He grinned when Logan still looked unsure. "Besides, what are big brothers for?" He had meant the question to be light but his voice shook slightly with emotion.

It worked though. Logan nodded gratefully. "Thanks, guys." He wasn't just thanking them for their help that particular day and they all knew it.

Carlos wrapped an arm gently across Logan's shoulders. "Let's go." He said cheerfully. The rain outside and the fact that they were returning to school to give it yet another try couldn't bring him down from his state of happiness and contentment. He had his friends back.

Kendall's confidence had returned and he was once again their leader, ready to protect them when needed, but also willing to back off and let them handle certain things on their own. James stopped looking over his shoulder whenever they were in public, the fear gone from his face. And even though Logan was still seeing Steve, the sessions had decreased from three times a week to once a week and it was obvious that he was getting better everyday. Carlos' infectious good humor had come back and he could relax now that everything was getting better. They could be happy again.

"I hate rain." James complained as they stood out on the street corner. He cringed and pulled his hood lower.

Logan laughed. "I can only imagine what it's doing to your hair right now." He said with a straight face.

"Don't remind me." James groaned but he grinned when Logan laughed again. "Oh well." He said good-naturedly. "I can always wash it when we get home today."

Just then the bus pulled up and Logan could hold back a sigh. "I hate the bus."

"We know." James and Kendall and Carlos said at the same time. "But we don't blame you." Carlos added as he followed his friends up the small set of steps into the bus.

The last time they had returned to school, Mrs. Knight had driven them. This time they were going all-out and doing everything they way they used to. So they couldn't help but be surprised when the full bus was completely silent. A handful of kids greeted the boys quietly and talked amongst themselves but for the most part, the ride to school was done in nearly complete silence. The jocks kept to themselves and didn't even look the way of the kids who used to be bullied. Everyone else stared out the window and waited for the ride to be over.

The silence let up a little bit when they pulled up to the school and walked into the crowd of students. Kendall, James, and Carlos walked Logan to his locker and helped him place his books inside before forcing themselves away. Logan watched them leave until they were out of sight then turned his attention to extracting his Science textbook from the bottom of the locker where it ended up thanks to his helpful friends. He rolled his eyes but laughed and after double checking to make sure his locker was properly locked, he left for class.

* * *

"So?" Logan prompted when he and James were seated at an empty table in the lunchroom. "How did the morning go?"

James' eyes wandered around the room before he answered. "Okay, I guess. But you know, the first day we came back went fine too until I had study hall." He shivered at the thought. "That's where I go after here today."

"Gee, what a coincidence." Logan said lightly. "So do I."

His words caught James' attention and he stared at Logan in disbelief. "What did you say?"

Logan grinned. "I said that I have study hall after lunch today too."

"But. . .how?"

"I talked with the principal a couple of days ago. I was able to get us all the same study hall. Granted, it's the last one I'd pick but at least we'll be together."

"All of us?" James felt like a parrot repeating whatever Logan said. Either a parrot or someone hard of hearing.

Logan nodded. "Carlos and Kendall are going to be with us too. We won't have to be alone."

As wonderful as the news was, James still couldn't fully process it. "Really?"

"Yes." Logan said simply. "Really. I thought it might make things a little easier."

"But what about your classes?" James asked.

"We just switched things around a little bit. It really wasn't that hard." Logan smiled when James' face finally lit up with realization. "So do you believe me now?"

James stammered for a proper response. "I. . of course I believe you. I always believed you. It just. . .wow." He shook his head, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief wash over him. "Thanks, Logan."

At first Logan didn't answer. He suddenly seemed to be lost in thought. Then when James repeated his name he jerked back to the present. "Anytime, man." He smiled but he still seemed distracted.

James frowned at the sudden change in his friend's demeanor. "Is everything okay, Logie?"

The nickname worked like it always did. Logan smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Everything's fine, James."

"Then what-"

Before James could finish asking his question, Logan grabbed his lunch tray and stood up, motioning for James to do the same. "Come on. We're moving."

Instead of questioning, his friend's actions, James followed him obediently to a table that was nearly empty. There was only one kid there, a small, geeky looking junior. He looked up when James and Logan approached. "Hey." He said shyly.

"Hi." Logan greeted him. "I'm Logan Mitchell." He gestured to James. "This is my friend, James Diamond."

"I'm Jordan Andrews." He shut the calculus book in front of him. "You're from Big Time Rush, right? My little sister Maddie is a big fan."

"How old is Maddie?" James asked.

A smile did away with the remaining tension in Jordan's face. "She's nine." He nodded to Logan. "You're her favorite. She's been battling with leukemia since she was seven and when you were sick last year it gave her something to identify with."

Logan swallowed the lump in his throat. "I'm really sorry, Jordan." He said softly. "It's really hard."

James nodded in agreement but he couldn't speak. He was amazed at how connected he suddenly felt with a kid he had never spoken to and he regretted never even taking notice of Jordan until today. How many kids were like, Jordan, either bullied or ignored until something happened? Until they snapped and either tried to take revenge or gave up on their own lives? Because so many others sat by and watched while these kids were bullied because they didn't want to get involved themselves. Because didn't want to bother with the kids that no one else talked to. But if they didn't talk to them then who would? If they didn't reach out then who would?

"James!"

James snapped out of his deep inner thoughts and smiled apologetically when he saw Logan and Jordan staring at him. "What's up?" He asked causally.

"I was just telling Jordan that he should bring Maddie by the Palm Woods one of these days and we could show her around."

"That's a great idea, Logan." James said, suddenly enthusiastic by the idea. "We'd love to meet her."

Jordan grinned back. "She'd love to meet you guys. You're her heroes."

"Sounds like a plan then." Logan took the pen that was resting on top of Jordan's textbook and wrote something down on his clean napkin. "Here's my cell phone number. Give us a call when she's feeling up to it."

The ball rang and all three boys jumped. Jordan carefully folded the napkin and slid it in the pages of his book. "Thanks." He said gratefully. "It was nice meeting you. I have to get to study hall now."

"You have study hall?" James asked.

Jordan nodded but didn't speak.

"We have study hall too." James mentally kicked himself for never noticing Jordan before. "Why don't you come with us? You can meet Carlos and Kendall then too."

"Really?" Jordan asked hopefully.

"Of course." Logan exchanged grins with James. "Let's go."

The walk to the study hall room was quiet, each boy lost in his own thoughts. James' steps slowed slightly as they got closer but Logan and even Jordan never stopped once so he kept going. He relaxed a little when he saw that Kendall and Carlos were already waiting for them with another boy at their table.

"Hey, guys!" Carlos greeted them eagerly. "This is Mike Roberts. Kendall and I met him in our English class."

Mike pushed a thick pair of glasses further up his nose only to have them slide back down. He smiled at James and Logan and Jordan. "Hi."

"Hi, Mike." Logan grinned at Kendall and Carlos. "While we're still in the middle of introductions, this is our new friend, Jordan Andrews."

The six boys settled into a quiet conversation until the teacher entered. Then they fell into silence as they concentrated on their school work. James smiled as Logan helped him from on side and Jordan helped him from the other side. He could see that Mike was multitasking and helping both Carlos and Kendall. _This hasn't been a bad day at all._ He thought to himself. He had his old friends back and he had even made new friends. Everything was right.

**A/N. The end of another story! Whoo-hoo! Wow. So thank you once again for all of the support while I was writing this story. I hope you all enjoyed reading it and more than that, I hope you can take something from it because in the end, it's more than a story. Thanks again! 'Head On Collision' will be posted by December 1st. Until then, carpe diem! **


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